This woman....I really wonder what goes on in her head because I know darn well she bottles up a lot of unhealthy worries and won't tell anyone. Anyway, like my profile says, I've only come out to two people in my life. That being my best friend (who took it well) and my mom (who is giving me mixed signals.) To be honest, I'm so not ready to come out to my family yet. I mean, in years; I want to be off on my own by the time I come out. But, for some odd reason when I came to terms that I'm transgender, it was eating me up inside that I couldn't tell anyone. It was such a terrible feeling keeping it a secret. Like there was a giant hheavy stone sitting in my chest and it got so bad it was effecting my mood and thoughts. So I come out, and there's no going back. I'll tell you how I came out. We started getting in a ruitine of going to a local track to walk every afternoon and were on our way there. We were discussing that I needed to clean out my closet and get rid of clothes I don't want to get new clothes. While on the subject, I was trying to explain the style of clothes I want (boy clothes of course) but she just wouldn't grasp strictly boys clothes; after I described the type of clothes I want she would reply with something like, "You want tomboyish clothes-but also a little bit feminine." People feminine never came out of my mouth. We kind of argued about it. I stressed I didn't want ANY feminine detail in my clothes and she kept pressing on that there needed to be a little bit of feminine style in what I wear. I don't know what about this line I said to her that made her asked about my gender but it did. After getting frustrated with her pushing femininity on me I said, "But why would I wear feminine if I don't feel feminine." She paused a bit then asked me if I felt like a boy. In my mind I'm thinking 'oh boy, here we go' and blurted out 'yes'. By this time we were getting out of the car to the track and continued our conversation there. What confused me, is that after I told her I felt male, she didn't ask about my gender expression like I would've thought. She went straight to my sexuality. She said she was worried about who I'd partner with, that I'll attract lesbians and not boys, yada yada. I tried to explain the best I could to her but it's like it went over her head. I explained the difference between sexuality and gender, I tried telling her how I felt emotionally, I even tried pointing out the behavior I had as a kid. Even though I don't think that what ever you did as a kid nessisarilly justifies you at being trans, I was just trying to help my mom to make sense of what I was going through is indeed real and have always acted this way. But it all went over her head. She just brushed every hint I gave her off by trying to relate other examples of behavior that woman express to debunk what I was saying. She'd say, "Oh, I can see that." "I can relate to that." "Your grandmother never liked girly clothing." "Oh, I felt that way when I was young." *sigh* The following couple of days, we were distant. I found some print-outs she made from websites that gave information about GID and even some phone numbers on her bed when she was out. But never talked to me about it. That was the only information I know of that she got to educate herself. After that, she went back to her old routine. What worried me is that she will let worrisome thoughts consume her. She suspected I had Asperger's when I was 11 and STILL doesn't know hardly anything about it even though she tells me it worries her. She never got answers to her questions so the unknown scares her. This is the part where I regret telling her. I know she is such a stressed out person and a worry wuss that I hate to rock the boat when it comes to her emotions. I know it bothers her but hasn't talked about it in over a year. I hope it's not as bad as it seems. ---------- Post added 14th Sep 2014 at 09:23 PM ---------- I want to let ya'll know that this is more of a venting thread for me. So I'm not nessisarily expecting advice though is appreciated.
It's been my experience that parents live in their own little world when it comes to their children. They are the varsity team of denial. The more important question, I would think, is how are you doing with it all?
Yeah, I know. I can't help but worry about her, though. I figured she's just ignored the subject all together in hopes that me being trans is a phase that will pass through my mind with time as long as the subject isn't paid attention to. Me? I'm doing well so far. I mean, technically, the ball doesn't REALLY start rolling until I'm completely out to everyone.That's when I'm truly tested. But I'm not worried about myself, whatever happens, happens. I appreciate your reply, thank you.
