I know this sounds absurd to some of you, but since I finally admitted to myself that I'm gay in October/November 2005, my life's gone downhill. I failed my first year of junior college trying to get an associates, which put me on academic probation until the upcoming fall semester. During those two semesters, I contemplated suicide daily for two and a half months (after coming out to myself), and last January my parents tried setting me up with a girl who ended up being heterosexist and emotionally abusive, and also stalked me and repeatedly threatened me with assault. As a result of that abuse, I suffered a complete breakdown; developed an ulcer, and went half bald . . . not to mention the stress made me look like I was in my mid thirties, when I was actually only nineteen. [What's weird is, a year later, I now look like I'm in my mid 'teens . . . go figure . . . *shrugs* ] Last summer, I couldn't work because I was putting myself back together after what happened the previous spring, but I started looking for jobs once I got myself put back together again. However, things didn't start looking up. Seven months later, after submitting applications to nearly everywhere in town that sported a "now hiring" sign, not only do I still not have a job, I've never gotten as much as a callback for an interview. That sucks, since I have to be living on my own by December and have to save money for both a move to Florida and tuition at Ringling. [Okay, I've got two years save for Florida, but that's still daunting since I'm looking for my first payed job.] Considering my staunchly conservative upbringing and being in full-gospel churches for six years, I can't shake the feeling I'm being punished for being gay, even though I'm apatheistic and have always been fairly liberal concerning sex and sexuality. Intellecually, I know it was just a coincidence that those things happened right after I came out to myself, but it's hard to shake something I've always been raised to believe . . . even though it's potentially damaging. Is it as absurd to feel that way as I believe it is? Also, any advice about moving on from this - relatively benign and minor - form of internalized homophobia would be greatly appreciated. If you got through that without getting too confused, congratulations, and thanks for reading. + DonKarnage
Well, all I can say is that all the bad things have happened , just forget about them, you are not being punished because of your coming out, because they are not related, like your job And you have to be strong too, because you have to get over every little things, try to overcome them I'm so sorry about the setting up of your parents for you and that girl, you shouldn't let them do it to you again. Talk to them , amke them understand
Trust me, you arent the only person who feels that way. And although you are most likely right about all that stuff being a coincidence, it does make you feel like all this is happening because im gay. The best way to move on is to tell yourself exactly that, it was just a string of bad luck nothing to do with your sexuality. You also cant be punished if you havent done anything wrong, and in this case you havent. Plus you know you are gay, its what you choose to do with it, whether you want to just keep it a secret or act on it. Do what you feel is right for you
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1522 Check this out. Trust me I've been there. I have tried suicide before and I am probibly the last person in the world that should be offering advice. But here is my try. I have been on this web site for maybe 2 hours and the people here already have helped alot. I was very religious and I have actually left the church and I have seen no repercutions from strait up walking away form the religion. My thoughts would agree with spiky spice in that bad things happen to good people and in this world not everything happens for a reason.
You're not being punished. The Higher Power loves everyone of his children and certainly doesn't hate you for being who you are. I'm very sorry to hear the unfortunate circumstances in your life and I do hope things begin to look up soon. This is all coincidental and the higher power is not punishing you for liking men. Something amazing is going to come along and your suffering will be worth it. Look up =] You'll always see the blue of the sky, if you bother to look past the clouds.
I'm a firm believer in giving ourselves affirmations. Starting right now, start thinking of all your good qualities and write them down. Keep writing them down everyday. Say them over and over to yourself. You will feel better about yourself and more confident when you go apply for jobs. Your future employer will see that in you and hire you! Feel good about yourself and others will feel good about you.
I have no advice for you but just wanted to let you know that you most certainly are not alone in feeling how you feel. Keep your head up, and good luck!
I think of it like this... Did you chose to be gay? Of course not, nobody does, so how can God punish you for something you have no control over? If anything it's God who's made you this way, and I like to think it's for a reason. I'm not religious at all really, just my two cents
You say you've come out to yourself, but have you really accepted and gotten comfortable with the fact that you are gay? Acknowledging it is one thing and accepting it is another - at least that has been my experience. Things start to look up when you accept and get comfortable with who you are. If you have a negative image of yourself on the inside, then whether you know it or not you're projecting that on the outside. This could be what potential employers are picking up on. As Becky suggested, try to be positive about yourself. And try to be positive about being gay. Its hard, but it doesn't define you completely, and it isn't the end of the world. Good luck. Hope things start to look up for you.
Wow! Thank you for all the kind words, encouragement, support and advice - it's all very much appreciated.
I have kept homosexuality a secret from myself and everyone else for 29 yrs, (or maybe more like 20 yrs). Now that I have come out to just a few people, i know why i kept it a secret. No one wants me around as a lesbian, if i change, ok, they want me back, but as a lesbian, all they want me to do is convince me to change my mind, i know exactly how you feel, cause i feel the same way. And i feel all alone cause of where i live. Lately i cry every day cause i have a crush on someone i can't have and there is no one to talk to about my feelings. I feel ashamed for having these feelings about another woman. I also grew up in a christian environment and was taught gay people go to hell cause it is a sin, a horrible sin against god. Now i am an agnostic, these fears have followed me and I also am facing ridicule and rejection from everyone around me and i have no one to talk to. Feeling very lost. amanda
It can be hard, but before anything else, you are going to have to accept yourself. You do not have to choose between your faith and orientation: just find a lifestyle that fits YOU. Like you logically concluded, the unfortunate series of events that have plagued you are just coincidences. You are not being punished. You were made the way you are for a reason; you may just not know what it is yet. Be strong, we are all here for you.
I apologize for taking so long to update here, but the advice y'all offered has helped immensely! While my situation hasn't changed much, my attitude definately has - I better accept myself now than I did when I originally posted this thread; I'm more confident in general (albeit marginally so); I'm more comfortable with my sexuality, and no longer feel I'm being punished because of it. Thank you. Again, y'all really have helped a lot!
Amanda you have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sorry but these Christians who tell you that gay people go to hell are dead wrong! It is brainwashing. I've been there and seen what they do. What kind of God would make you a lesbian and then send you to hell for loving somebody of the same sex? I believe gays were sent to this world to teach us about unconditional love. Stop caring what all these so called Christians think about you. Live your life openly, authentically and proud of who you are. Don't let them get you down. You are not alone and you will find people who love you just as you are. The others weren't really your friends anyway.
