I am extremely lucky in a lot of ways. I've never had a problem being out before. My family is accepting, my friends couldn't care less, and I typically don't hesitate to cite my girlfriend if it comes up in conversation. However, I am increasingly experiencing torn emotions at work. I am a social service worker with refugee families from around the world. My clients come from variegated, ancient cultures and often rigid belief systems. I have learned bits of their languages, I'm more comfortable with them than with most Americans, and I deeply respect them. These people are my work and my passion, and almost all of them would discriminate against me if they knew I was gay. This truth is particularly hurtful as I have built up a strong reputation with many of the communities. Although I do not consider myself “closeted,” my work with international populations poses a challenge and a disconnect between these two pieces of myself. I don't believe there is any reason why the people I serve should know I am gay, or numerous other bits of personal information about me, but psychologically, this is taking its toll. I'm wondering if anyone else has a similar experience, or has any insight, of knows of someone in a similar situation. I'm less looking for a solution than for camaraderie. Thank you in advance to any and all. ~redmond
I relate to some of this. In my case, when I say I "work with" many immigrants, I mean that my peer in the desk next to mine might be from Africa or Asia, and , yes, many of them have very conservative cultural and religious beliefs. I've been reluctant to be out at work because I'm worried about it causing tension with my coworkers. At the same time, there are some conservative people, both immigrant and American-born, who I generally get along with, but fear would think differently of me if they knew. I feel guilty about it sometimes, like I'm a fraud. I also fear that this, along with my general shyness, has given me a reputation for being somewhat aloof in the office. I don't have a good solution to this, but I do understand the toll it takes day after day.
I have had the same fears working in a scientific research lab, where there is a high proportion of international students and researchers. Luckily, scientists care about science more than discussing personal lives, but when it does get personal, I try to avoid the subject. I'm not sure I have an answer, but I do know that people can change once they get to know you.
I don't think it's necessary at all to come out to your clients or co-workers unless they ask specifically. If they're curious, they'll ask. If you have to be personal, I would just casually bring it up. I come from a refugee family where homosexuality is unheard of so I understand how judgmental they can be. In the end, you're there to do a job. You have to decide if you, the social worker, would like to take the chance on making your clients potentially uncomfortable or having them accept you as you are. Best of luck.
My workplace isn't particularly multicultural (unless being majority Hispanic is multicultural). But I do have similar reservations. My co-workers can be pretty conservatives and tend to joke about the few out workers we do have. Not in a necessarily mean way, but enough that I wouldn't want to be the subject of those jokes. So I'm not out to them. I rationalize that it is simply none of their business, but at the end of the day, is it that, or am I just afraid?
Maybe try to think of it this way: They probably have some practices which you would find incomprehensible but as they don't come into play when dealing with them, you haven't even considered what they might be. So, because having a romantic relationship with you wouldn't even occur to them, I'm guessing, your sexuality doesn't factor into their dealings with you. It's your private life, right? They don't know your religious leanings, do they? If the topic of relationships comes up, and you're in one, I'd use the term "mate" or "partner". Those are sufficiently ambiguous that you're not lying or revealing too much. I don't know about you but even if I was with a man, I wouldn't be interested in sharing details from my private life with clients.
