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Advice please... Gay Fugitive

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by blueberry, Sep 19, 2008.

  1. blueberry

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    I hope my reasoning does not offend anyone. I know that a lot of what I am about to get to is silly.. borderline crazy. But, I also know that there will be people here who will understand what I'm going through. Hoping for the best.

    Not sure where to start. I am a gay female, although not one that's easy to point out-- a gay guy at a gay bar (only been one time) once told me that I was definitely not gay. Despite his opinion, I'm pretty sure where I stand. In the closet? Yes... I did come out to a select few friends, who were cool about it, but some of them ended up telling others. Not everyone respects other people's privacy, right? Anyway, subsequent events made me retreat back into the closet. I'm not ashamed of the person I am, but after feeling the burn of having someone look at me as 'different' and be weirded out (for no good reason), I feel safer being in there. I'm not sure that treatment is something I could ever get used to. Does that make me a coward? yeah, probably.

    Now for the stranger part: I tend to collect male admirers wherever I go... and by "collect", I really don't mean collect -- this is by no means a hobby of mine. I must have been an ugly kid, because up until the end of highschool/beginning of college I had zero admirers. ZERO. Not one. Not even a kindergarten crush. And then it was like opening the flood gates (I'm ok... but no bombshell). I tried dating a few, but no dice. I definitely leave a trail of broken boys behind me, while building a reputation as a heartbreaker/player/picky-girl (which might work for a straight girl, but is very stressful for me). A few might have suspected, but I would just laugh it off. Coward? Yes.
    I now have a 6th sense for detecting when a guy likes me... and I often become intentionally mean to keep distance... which also makes me feel horrible. I've also stopped making guy friends, which is unfortunate.

    I apologize for going on about myself so much. I find this is the only place to talk about it. I have trust issues from what happened before, and I keep everything to myself now (creating a cloud of mystery, which guys are drawn to.. not what I need).

    I'm getting to an age where, if you seem like a catch, and you're not married, something must be "wrong" with you... and people WILL catch on. Before that happens, I feel like I need to run away to a new city. Why do I feel that the only way to live my life is to move and start fresh?...and, what if I start a new life and carry on the same way? I'll find that I need to leave again... continuously leaving everything and everyone behind. I don't know if I can live life like that, but I've come to the point where I'm almost prepared to try it. Strange, I know. But, I'm deathly afraid of coming out (or more appropriately, being 'found out'). I know that offends some people here. I'm only trying to be as honest as I can be. I really don't plan to come out, except maybe to gay strangers in the future. I even made a new anonymous email address to join this forum. Some weird paranoia. I am completely aware of how strange I've become when it comes to this kind of thing.

    I've never had a relationship, and I almost think that I never will. I'm almost afraid that I wouldn't trust the girl I was with because she might Out me if things went south.. OK, sort of joking about that one... but sort of not. There was a girl (she was straight, an acquaintance of my 1 gay friend) who wanted to experiment with me. She was attractive, but I was afraid. And, I'm starting to think I wouldn't even know what to do.
    What have I gotten myself into?? I should just become a nun.

    Sorry for the length.
    Thanks for reading to the end.
     
  2. Jim1454

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    I think the nun idea would have it's own challenges. Not something I'd recommend for you.

    First off - welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. Just hang around here and you'll hopefully get more comfortable in your own skin.

    I find it a little odd that you have gay friends and you likely don't treat them any differently than you'd treat a straight friend, yet you are convinced that you'd be treated differently if you were to come out.

    You might also be surprised how easy it is to keep different aspects of your life separate if you're not completely comfortable dealing with your orientation. What I mean is I'm not out at work, but I am with my friends. I'm not out to my extended family, but I am to my parents, sister and ex wife. I have a bf now, who I essentially live with, but my kids don't know I'm gay (yet) and I have them at my own place every other weekend.

    And I'm still the same person in all those different situations. And I'm treated the same way as I've always been treated in all those situations.

    I was in a position where I was married with two kids when I came to the conclusion that I was gay. Yikes. In my case, I felt like I needed to move away in order to come out - not in order to avoid coming out. I knew that to be truly happy I needed to be comfortable with myself, and to do that I needed to live my life as a gay man, yet I was terrified that I'd lose everything I had and be alienated by everyone I knew. And not because I was gay, but because I'd "lied" to everyone all these years. But I got over that. And everyone simply accepted this news graciously, and we all carried on. Not a single person questioned why I hadn't told them sooner - because they knew that I was just figuring this out for myself.

    So don't feel like you need to run away. And don't feel like you need to keep this part of you a secret from everyone for the rest of your life. In my opinion, you don't.

    At any rate, I'm glad you found Empty Closets. It certainly helped me when I was in the same place you are. I hope you find it as helpful as I did. Good luck!
     
  3. blueberry

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    Unfortunately that is what happened. You see, my gay friend was one of the ones that told other people (at work, no less). Anyway, because my friend is very openly gay, then it seems like people are more comfortable with it. But, because I don't come off as gay, they would see me as hiding it from them, which makes them more suspicious of me.
    It's sort of like how you said you were afraid to be alienated not necessarily because you were gay, but because they would perceive you as having lied to them.

    That aside, I really appreciate your advice. I've tried to tell myself a lot of it before, but hearing it from someone else, who's gone through it all, puts it in a different light. You've definitely given me a lot of hope.

    I think I do need to get more comfortable in my own skin, and that will ultimately be what helps me down the line. That will take some time. I still need to deal with a lot of issues. It doesn't help that I live in Alberta... but, if I do move away in the future, I hope it is just that. Moving away instead of running away.
    And, Nun is definitely crossed off the list ;P

    Thanks
     
  4. sexyalex

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    hahahaaha :grin: wow. interesting story. Greetings, nice to have u here and let me reassure u that this is the place to let it all out darling....trust me :dry: i've seen "rants" here before this ain't one of em'.


    I kinda understand where ur comming from and what ur saying, because i have the same experience and its wild and its allot to handel...even for myself. But this isn't about me. Its about you. Girl, first of all u don't need to give up on finding the right one. Your young, your good... when the time comes the time will come; and it will seem hard trying to let urself out but it dosn't make u a coward. Just a human with feelings. Nonetheless I myself am confused by ur statements and so i can see ur confused a bit as well. Cuz even now i am not sure wether ur bi, gay or straight. But anyhow, if there is even just one friend, one person who u can confide in...then vent towards that person. The day will come when u feel bold enough to let it out to the world and live ur life free. People have their reasons why they don't want to let their sexuality out the closet but besides all that u need to seriously ask yourself "why am i keeping my feelings in?" Cuz things could be worst...a whole lot worse. Beleive me girl, i could go to prison if i ever come out of my shoebox(i don't consider myself in a closet) but we arn't getting any younger and we only got one life to live.
    and who knows, maybe the day you emancipate yourself is the day your gonna find a him or her who is really right for u.
    And stop talking to strangers, girl didn't your mamma ever tell you to not talk to strangers?! A stranger to you might be a snake under grass...and not so strange ether. Thats why they call it a small world. :dry: girl, think about it...your being a fugitive to yourself.

    And about that experment with ur friend; its all you. Your choice, you should knoe if ur comfortable going down with it yes or no. We don't all feel accomplished after doing any or anything, nether do we all feel like ginnie pigs ether.
    and its not my place to say but i don't see how that person is being a friend if they are allowing u to do that ether... cuz friends don't use their friends when they are in volnurable positions.


    (now a brief of my history) Remember i said i understand where ur comming from with this? Pretty much, its almost the same thing....maybe worse. All my life growing up, i had very little friends and the ones i did have, were pretty much people like myself. I would have my little group in prep school and we would gather(btw these are all females) and play with our Barbie dolls and it got so bad that my 5th grade teacher took my doll out my bag and showed it to the whole 5th and 6th grade student population and i was marked for the rest of my prep school days. One of those girls and i went to the same high school and she caught on quick. Right up to 4th form that girl even forgot i existed. I have....countlesss pages in my diary about her. How much she ignored me and how much i was jealous of her bf and how much i wanted her soo bad; and this is yeaaaaars after prep school and not even a "hi" we have said to each other. I got a bit "social" in my final year of high school and i started seeing the world for what it really is cuz i'm a shelterd kinda child, only child to be exact. And the few little friends i made, when we were writing down our career choice so the school sorts us on what A'lvl subjects we need for collage and i wrote down "Lawyer/supermodel" and my friends laughted.. omg u ugly oh boy ur soo ugly(talking about my nose the size of jupiter).

    Today, i dated 4 out of those 6 girls i was friends with in high school (and they were mostly hot cheerleaders cuz i was one too) and i only did it cuz i didn't want to be mean. But if i didn't do it, i would have never realised the real reason all my relationships never worked....i am gay. duhh! and I even think i told EC once about the time my F&B professor and I made out, now thats how far I have went. :shrug: and i still think of myself as an ugly ducklin. But u know what, that was wrong and we all have done wrong things in the past and whatever....but all i am saying is, idk why people are soo interested in me now cuz 2 years ago i was no one....literally. And i am just 16. Did i meantion that? :lol: i am in collage now but half the girls here think i am 19-20....and straight....just different. No matter how flamboyant i am. and trust me, ain't nobody more feminin than me. I'm as sterotypicaly gay as they get.
    So my reputation? its not player or heartbreaker or any of that stuff. :lol: my reputation is to date all the hot girls who their bf's pick on me and call me queer and yes; every one of those girls i went out and snogged with were all girls in relationships with other guys:slight_smile:dry: told u i had a bad past)
     
    #4 sexyalex, Sep 19, 2008
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2008
  5. blueberry

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    Thanks for the advice. Revenge through dating... very interesting.. actually I might have been a tiny bit guilty of that before too.. although I wouldn't say there was any serious 'snogging' involved.

    You're definitely right, though. I am being a fugitive to myself.

    Unfortunately, i only have one gay friend, who lives in another city, and all my friends here are straight, so I'm very weary about who I vent to. For now, Empty Closets seems to offer better advice than any of them could anyway.

    Thanks :slight_smile:

    By the way,
    I can't believe your teacher did that to you with the barbies! so not cool....