It's rather embarrassing to say this, but it's an issue that has been nagging at me. I'm getting to a point, were I want to come out, but I’m a virgin in near every sense of the term. I have never experienced sexual contact from anyone of any gender. Nothing beyond sexual tension during normal touching (hand-brushing, hugs, etc.). The closest I've come to an intimate emotional relationship was a long unofficial courtship with a guy I thought I liked, but didn't. My desires for other women (always one-sided) was/is very active, however. My issue is that I feel like I can’t come out unless I have some sexual/intimate experience with a woman to back it up. My desire to come out has less to do with finding a partner and more about being honest. Do you think I can come out as gay/lesbian without ever having had a partner? Should I wait until I do? Am I being silly worrying about this? I'm just looking for opinions.
You don't need to have experience to come out. I've never done anything and I've been out for 10 years
Agreed, you don't need to have experience to come out - you know who you are better than anyone else, and whether or not you have experience doesn't really matter - if you're ready to come out, then do it! Lots of people find it useful to come out prior to having experience, that way they don't feel the need to hide their relationship from the people around them.
Hey LittleDrifter =) I totally get where you're coming from, I'm pretty much the same in this regards, I guess. You can come out without having any experience if you want to. But I also understand the feeling of need to back it up. Kind of being able to proof that what one feels is justified and true. I also understand your notion of wanting to be honest. Whenever I'm asked about relationships or guys I kinda cringe, because I don't want to lie, but I'm not really offering any kind of explanation or correct them. But I hate when it's implied that I'm seeking to be with a guy. You're definitely not silly for worrying about this. And I don't know if you should wait until you gained some experience, can't answer that question for you. If you feel ready to do it, go for it. I can tell you my experience, maybe you can take something from it. I also have zero experience with either gender. Despite this I felt getting worse and worse for having to hide it all the time, even though I'm not sure about my actual sexual orientation, even so it feels pretty gay. I felt so bad sometimes, that I was at the verge of tears. I was terryfied of the idea of anyone assuming that I'm gay. The first time someone asked me to my face whether I'm gay, I felt physically ill. I was done for the day. But a little while later, I was incredibly reliefed that there was finally one person who I didn't have to hide from and who was cool with it. And that made me want to come out, even if it is only in tiny babysteps (I'm out to 3 people only), but I still have your kind of questions in the back of my mind. What if they ask me about experience, what if they want to know if I have a crush on someone in particular, what if they ask me about my type, what if they want to know how I know? I couldn't have answered any of those questions, and still pretty much can't. I'm feeling it, that's what it is. So when I finally decided to tell my best friend, I was afraid that it wouldn't go well, but she was just wonderful about it. And all those questions didn't matter. She didn't make me justify my feelings or made me proof that I'm gay. And I don't know, just being able to not pretend in front of someone is a huge relief. It just feels so much better to not lie or make belief. So as I said, I'm not really out to a lot of people. But this made me realize that I don't wanna hide. And even so I'm not really ready to come out to my family or all of my friends and wouldn't volunteer this information, I'm at a point where I would be honest if I was asked. So I would say, go at your own pace and do what you are comfortable with. If you want to come out, you can do it. If you only want to come out to a few people you trust most, that's allright, too. Hope this helps in some way =)
I guess being out is healthier for a relationship than hiding it. I'd rather not deal with the emotional train-wreck that is combining a new relationship and coming out simultaneously. There's also a "chicken and the egg" problem with waiting to be in a relationship before coming out: can't find a partner if I'm closeted, but won't un-closet without a partner! :eusa_doh: Nevertheless, it's good to hear that coming out when a virgin isn't a ridiculous scenario. ---------- Post added 20th Sep 2014 at 06:58 PM ---------- It's good to hear I'm not alone on this concern! (*hug*) Your story did help alleviate my fears. You made the first steps on coming out even though you aren't rock-solid about your orientation. I have always avoided relationship talk because it annoyed me, but I didn't believe I was gay. I just didn't have any interest in talking about guys (much to the dismay of my mother :lol. I get the most uncomfortable when I'm talking to a guy in a friendly way and everybody assumes I'm hitting on him. I just like talking to people! Now I spend my time wondering if a passing hot lady noticed how long I watched her. :lol: I almost hope somebody notices! I'm glad your friend was cool with it. That's one of the best feelings in the world. At the end of the day, we are the ones who have the authority on who we are. But it's as if that authority makes us think of the worst possible outcomes and fret about things we can't fix.
I felt the same way for a while. I've known I was bi since I was 17 but felt like a fake for having never been with a guy. I'd felt attraction and arousal, had several crushes, but I felt like if I admitted that I didn't have any experience, it would make my feelings illegitimate. I will say, don't do what I did. Don't force a situation you aren't ready for. Don't sleep with someone just to prove that your feelings are real. I did. I hurt myself by doing something I was uncomfortable with, and I probably hurt him by becoming standoffish afterward. It's funny. I used to lie to my friends about having different experiences, but when I finally did do it, I've only ever told one person.
People are coming out younger and younger nowadays, some at even eleven or twelve years old. Do you think they have much experience? No, but usually they don't need that kind of 'proof'. There are other ways to prove yourself as a lesbian, in case the need to prove it arises. I occasionally say things that remind people of my sexuality, and just that is enough to be believable, in fact. I just turned fifteen, and have never dated or had sex with anyone, but I and other people know I'm gay because of things I say and do that imply it.
You don't need to have had sex or even have been in a relationship to prove yourself to anybody, including yourself. If you know, you know.
Sometimes unsupportive people say "How can you tell if you are gay if you've never had sex?" And to that you should reply "How do you know YOU aren't gay if you've never had gay sex?" That should shut em up. But anyways, no you don't need sexual experience to know. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about.
Thanks for the support everyone. I get more worried about what other LGBT+ people would think about my lack of experience than straight folks. My worries are compounded by coming out in my 20s rather than as a teen (and getting "why didn't you realize sooner?" type questions). Now that I know at least some, if not most, LGBT+ people will not question my orientation based on my lack of experience, I feel alot better. I had this idea that there would be no point in coming out if I didn't have a partner. But, its getting tiresome hiding my feelings all the time even though I don't think I'm ready for a relationship just yet. I'd like to have fun being open about my orientation like YuriCore (great name ) was describing. If that helps to make my orientation clear to people, then I'm all for it!!
That's great you're happy with it! I think it will be easier to meet potential girlfriends if you're open about your sexuality.
Sometimes I feel that I wouldn't make myself straight even if I could and sometimes I get bouts of internalized homophobia. I happy with it for the most part, though. :icon_bigg I imagine it'd be much easier to find potential girlfriends if I'm out! I just need to get up the courage to tell my parents . . . :eusa_shif
Yeah, you don't have to worry about that. I even know some lesbians who find a total lack of experience to be a turn-on. There are always going to be different opinions in a group, and anyone who doubts your sexuality based on that isn't really worth your time.
I'm in the exact same situation, and I'm older! Virginity doesn't matter to me but finding the right person does. I came out when I knew I was gay, and now I am out, hopefully the right person will come along eventually. So don't worry, you can come out whenever you feel comfortable in doing so - but virginity doesn't matter at all! Xx
You definitely don't need experience with any gender before coming out. There will probably be people who ask about your experiences to try to invalidate your queer identity. -feel free to ignore them. They come from a place of ignorance. Good luck with coming out if and when you choose to do it.
I think I can live with my inexperience acting as a turn on. :icon_redf I guess that's what it really comes down to. I need to build up my own self-esteem/pride, rather than worrying so much about those who come "from a place of ignorance," as wontwalkblindly said. Easier said than done, but definitely doable. ---------- Post added 24th Sep 2014 at 01:37 AM ---------- I completely agree that finding the right person (or at least a good person) is more important than just just getting the deed done. That's basically the reason that I'm in a position to be asking this question. :lol: I hope living out will improve our chances!! ---------- Post added 24th Sep 2014 at 01:39 AM ---------- *sigh* It feels good to get all this out in the open.
