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friend won't come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by runswithbulls, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. runswithbulls

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    For my question without my story read the second paragraph. Ok so here's my story. I'm 21 and have a 16 year old friend. He gonna be 17 in a few weeks. I am a heterosexual but know gays bis and could care less about their orientation. Firm believer in people doing what they want if it's not hurting anyone. I love this kid he is like a lil bro I never had. Met him a long time ago and he looked up to me. As we got older and innocence faded we were very like minded thinkers. I Have been thinking he might be bi. He has accused me of being gay cuz I don't have a girl. I'm 21 and have 2 jobs and 2 businesses I'm starting. At first I that it was the usual banter and he was just calling me gay and I ignored it but as time went on I realized he firmly believed it. Some of his family thought he'd turn out to be gay when he was younger. He talks about girls a lot but every once in a while he acts gay, talks about gay guys, and mentions gay things. I still thought he was straight til one day I got so annoyed of him calling me gay I thought it threw and thought maybe he is gay or bi and wants me to be that's why he says that. So I said that to him and asked if he says gay but he denied it. Told him how much I wouldn't care and it wouldn't change anything and how I have other gay friends. He still denied it. Then I thought maybe he is scared or wants me to say I'm gay first. I hear bout people keeping it in til 30s. We are currently best friends and chill a lot. He has a girlfriend which I use that word lightly. He is a virgin and wants to do her but I think it's a cover up or he wants to see if he is gay. He's seen me get with chicks so if I why he thinks I'm gay.

    How do I know if he is gay or not? Any tactics to finding out? I've been tempted to say I'm gay to see if he does but I don't wanna lie to him and if he holds off I don't want him thinking I'm gay. Idk any ideas anyone. What should I say/do. Like I said i don't care what he is so I wasn't gonna push anything but he getting annoying and I want him to know he can talk to me bout anything. But I think he already knows that cuz he's told me a lot. Help please. Thanks everyone!
     
  2. runswithbulls

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    please help guys. also have an update for you. Last night we got drunk he got more drunk then me. He was mad cuz I didnt want to drive 30 mins to pick up a girl for him so he could bring her back and sleep with her. I had been drinking and didnt want to drive I told him but he said it was cuz I was gay. He kept yelling at me to say it and told me to look into his eyes and tell the truth. said I was straight but he got madder and he was like 2 inches from my face when he was talking to me and would not let me break eye contact or he would get mad and he was like siting on my leg. the whole time I was thinking he wanted me to say I was gay then hed try to kiss me. I dont like being close to people like that but he was drunk and my best friend so i didnt get pissed at him but it was still uncomfortable So after about 30-45 mins of him talking to me like this I got annoyed, wanted it to end, and thought if i said it maybe hed come out to me. So I told him I was just to see if he then would come out but he didnt he just said ok and that he was fine with it. I told him I just said it to get him out of my face but im wondering if I would have stuck with it if the next day or week hed come out. IDK what to do guys. Maybe he is straight and all this is just pointless talking. So again I ask, anyone know how to find out? or what to do to see if he is gay/bi?
     
  3. Quem

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    Hello runswithbulls, my question is, why do you want to know it? If he's ready to come out, he will do that. Why would you care? Do you want to start a relationship with him? Do you feel like it could work out? If you're just curious, leave him alone. His orientation is not much of your business.
     
  4. lukeluvznicki13

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    Do you have proof that he may be gay/bi?

    I would just wait and leave it. He must be comfortable and ready to come out (even if he is gay/bi).
     
  5. wontwalkblindly

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    If he's never said that he's gay, then you shouldn't assume that he is.
    If he's gay or bi and wants you to know, he will tell you on his own time.
    Do Not Force Someone Out Of The Closet.
     
  6. wardrobeescaper

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    Hey runswithbulls, why are you getting drunk with a 16 year old anyway?. There is a lot of different in maturity between a 16 year old and 21 year old. How old was he when you first befriended him? Are you lonely and do you have many friends your own age that you consider close? Is he missing a male figure in his life?
     
  7. Celatus

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    And dude don't be ashamed if you're in the closet or anything. As for him, let him decide for himself. I mean YOU joined this forum for a reason, right.
     
  8. runswithbulls

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    Like I said I don't need to know and could care less but my main reason is cuz he is my best friend and I want him to realize he can talk to me bout anything and can trust me with anything. He should already know that though cuz of our history. Also he has had some suicidal tendencies and if this is contributing to it I'd love for him to get it off his chest and maybe that will help with his depression. As for proof no or I would have confronted him with it and asked. Just speculation cuz of his actions and obsessions of wanting me to say I'm gay. And I'm always trying to help him through life cuz we are a lot alike and I went through a lot of what he is going through. If he is gay/bi that would help me help him better that's also why I want to know.

    ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2014 at 09:13 AM ----------

    I'm from a small town and you can't be too picky with age we were friends probably 5 years ago. Not many skaters in this town and no matter the age skaters hang with skaters and no neither of us really have friends. He has an stakeholder a dad just like me.

    ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2014 at 09:14 AM ----------

    Asshole for a dad*

    ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2014 at 09:22 AM ----------

    I believe in having good friends not close age friends. My former closest friend was like 9 years older than me. But when he got hitched they moved away
     
  9. runswithbulls

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    I guess I'm on my own, I'll do what I think I should do. After all I know him best anyway.
     
  10. JREChi

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    Hey Runsw/Bulls, this is a very tricky subject and one that should be tread lightly.
    For the most part the previous posters are correct, don't force the issue too much or you could really damage his psyche. With his history of suicidal thoughts you can't push too hard.
    Do you know why he is so curious as to your sexuality?
    Do you know if he may have been sexually abused?
    he may be fearful of having a close relationship with older males and is trying to protect himself (in his mind). I'm not accusing you of that type of behavior at all.
    Im just spit balling a few reasons that would come to mind as to why he seems so alimentary about your sexuality.
     
  11. Blossom85

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    I agree with the others in that you should not force him to come out before he is ready, although if he truly believes you are, it seems he is doing the exact same thing, trying to force an answer out of you.. I am wondering if he is perhaps attracted to you and maybe feels confused by your close friendship.. Maybe he is mis-reading the signs and interpreting it as you being interested in him.. I would understand how frustrating it would be for him to be in your face about your own sexuality but not coming clean about himself..

    I think it is something that you need to talk to him about.. Don't come right out and ask him, but perhaps ask why it matters so much to him if you are gay or not.. There has to be a reason as to why he is being so persistent in knowing your sexual orientation and an even bigger reason as to why he thinks you are denying it or lying to him about it.. You need to have a frank discussion with him about it and get it all out in the open.. Otherwise if he keeps acting this way, you will resent him and he might resent you if he feels you are continuing to lie.. I'm not saying you aren't being honest when you say you are straight, but there needs to be a reason why he keeps asking you, especially if he is interested in you.. That is the only reason why I would think he would be asking you, especially if his reaction was a positive one when you did tell him you were.
     
  12. shinji

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    To be perfectly honest… after reading your posts two whole times, it sounds to me that your friend is deeply in the closet as bisexual/gay (I’d guess, family issues are keeping him locked in, also the small town) and you are bi-curious.

    Regardless if that is the case, I’d just stop denying the accusations of “being gay” that your friend throws at you. Don’t say “yeah I am”, just don’t deny them. Say something like “yeah, sure, whatever floats your boat” or whatever... Don’t make a big deal out of it (because it’s not…). Or you can joke about it like – “yeah, want to be my boyfriend”?

    You’re the first “straight” guy I see on these forums, was not something I expected to see.
     
  13. runswithbulls

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    We have a very open and understanding friendship. People will hear us talk to each other and think we are being mean to each other but we both like being up front and honest and neither of us get mad no matter how critical one of us are. Having said that, I have asked him straight up if he is gay and he said no he likes boobies and vagina(he is a virgin) and he said he like hetero pornography. He also mentioned he wants to loose his virginity to be sure he is not gay. I said oh so you might be? He said no he didn't mean it that way he meant so like he can say he sleeps with girls. I am trying to help him with this chick and maybe the sooner the better so he does know? Also he talks about anal with girls and most hetero virgins are not focused on that. The only heterosexuals that want to do anal are ones that want to try something new at least from what I've seen. He said his dad wouldn't approve gay people but idk why he still wouldn't wannar tell. I highly doubt he was ever sexually abused but iI wouldntwouldn't say no 100% to not being physically abused. We had another discussion which might clear or confuse things for you guys. He said he wants to know cuz I should be able to tell him and he thinks I am and here is why. Apparently he woke up numerous times to me cuddling/feeling him. I will admit I woke up once by him and moved away and another friend said I did it once to him. So I'm not saying he is lying and it's possible I could have done thisin my sleep but what confuses me is I asked him why he wouldn't have woken me up then and been like wtf. He said sometimes he tried but apparently not hard enough, other times he pushed me away, and most of the times is because he thinks I'm gay and it makes me happy to cuddle with a dude. So if that truly happens I don't know any hetero that would cuddle with someone who is gay just to make them happy. Not saying it's not possible I am very open minded and anything is possible but rare imo. I told him he had to be at least bit curious if that story were true but he said he is straight and just wanted me to be Hhappy. And yeah I was talking to a parent to a gay child and said they used this site and recommended it.
     
  14. runswithbulls

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    Anyone else wanna help me? He is coming over again this weekend
     
  15. Blossom85

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    I think everyone has given you good and sound advice.. It is your choice to accept that and take the advice or not.. Please don't force the issue with him.. If he is.. He will come out when he is ready to. You should never force someone to come out before they are ready to.. He may resent you later on.. And seriously, why are you taking such a big interest in if he is or isn't? You say you wanna help him, but help him how exactly.. How is coming out before he is ready going to help him? It might make it worse especially if you say his dad won't approve of his being gay.
     
  16. runswithbulls

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    Because if he needs to talk to someone about it or really wants a guy not a girl then I'd help him make that happen. Just hope he knows I wouldn't be disappointed in him and he doesn't need to impress me with a hot girl. If he likes guys fine this will be a safe place for him to bring a guy friend. I guess I'll just do what the one guy said and jokingly say what he said. I just want him to live his life and have good time while he is young. I won't push it like he does with me but I just hope it's not something he bottles up and ends up killing himself over. That's my main concern.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2014 at 04:28 PM ----------

    I'll try my best to have him bring that chick since that seems to be what he's focussed on.
     
  17. Blossom85

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    If he wants to talk to someone about it, I am sure he will when he is comfortable to.. It might be you, it might be someone else he wants to talk to.. How do you know he isn't already talking to someone about it? You don't know.. And if he isn't.. Give him time, when he is ready.. I would feel utterly betrayed and humiliated if someone made me talk about a difficult subject that I wasn't ready to talk about. All you can do is be there for him as a friend.. Maybe he likes that when he is hanging out with you, he can focus on other things and if you push him, he will feel like he can't hang with you anymore cause it's not a comfortable place to be.. I can understand you being concerned for his mental well being.. But if you force the issue.. It might make those emotions come to the surface and make him feel depressed and even worse.. I think you are thinking in terms of you.. What can you do so you know you are doing everything you can.. Sometimes you can't help someone unless they ask for help. So just concentrate on being a good friend and just hanging with him. You are well meaning, but sometimes well meaning friends can go too far and help too much if you know what I mean, without even realizing what they are doing.
     
  18. runswithbulls

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    Yeah I fully know what you mean nd thanks for the advice. I'll have him bring his chick friend nd see how that goes. Hopefully it is what he wants nd he isn't just trying to be "normal"(if there's such a thing haha)
     
  19. Blossom85

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    Your very welcome, I'm here if you need to talk or anything.
     
  20. runswithbulls

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    ok so I did something stupid on my part I think. I told him I am bi-curious one night. he said "cool, idc. I still wanna be your friend" that was the whole convo. I was hoping but not expecting him to come out right there. So friday came and he was suppose to bring his girl but couldnt find a ride. Tonight he asked if he could but I was working late and had to work early so I said not tonight. He said please and said hed do anything and said hed suck my dick(he brought it up). I said ok and id come get him. he said he actually couldnt do that. then later he said fine i will. but i said no cuz your straight. Im not letting my straight best friend suck my dick. I was like unless you bi? then you can. he said he wasnt so i said i dont know any straight guys that would suck dick(unless its a ton of money maybe). he said he desperate for pussy. The way he was talking I think I was mistaken on him being gay/bi but its still possible. The only reason he brought up sucking my dick i feel is cuz i told him i was bi. So do i wait longer? I dont wanna dig a deeper hole than the one I already have that i shouldnt have. I hope he doesnt hate me when I tell him I lied and I feel like he is not gunna believe me if I wait any longer. Should have never messed with it(im just too good at messing things up). If i get no reply in a few days Im gunna tell him the truth. or should I ride it out longer?

    ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2014 at 06:35 PM ----------

    oh yeah i cuddle with him hard to make him wake up so that I could get on the subject of being bi. So yeah I sold it pretty good. he woke up, then as I went back to my bed I told him that I was bi. I just felt if I just said it my voice would crack or something and hed wonder if I was lying to get him come out.