I'm really terrified of coming out

Hi. Sorry if this is too lengthy, but I just have so much on my mind and I feel like I have so many details that will make my question more clearer that I don't know what to leave out or how to be concise about it.

But let me just say, I'm not saying that my family has done anything to make me gay. I just feel like they're going to think that they did something to make me gay (even though they're right wings and I never even knew that being gay was possible when I was growing up).

I’ve spent literally my whole childhood coming to terms with my sexuality. Now that I'm 21 and know I'm gay, I just want to accept myself and move on with my life but at the same time, I think I’m about to fall into depression just after I started accepting myself. It’s like I’m being held back again.

I think for the most part, I appear straight, but at the same time, I’ve never brought a girlfriend home or asked for any relationship advice. Even if I don’t come out as gay, I feel like my family might figure it out anyway (I think my sister already knows). I've been thinking about moving far away from my family but even if I move far, and as the years go by, I’m not bringing a wife & kids to family reunions, then my cover would be blown anyway at that point. I don’t know if I want to move far. I have such a strong attachment to my city (I live in Toronto).

But the thing I'm most scared about is that if my parents figures out I'm gay, one of them will probably blame it on the fact that they both seperated, which is far from the reason because even when they were together, there were signs that I had a gay attraction (having crushes on guys) and when they did seperate, I was 13, and that was too late in my childhood for it to really emotionally affect me. I still saw my dad a lot (he lives an hour away) and my dad actually was present in my childhood and actually felt like a dad.

I think my sister knows I’m gay because she caught me once downloading homoerotic content on the computer, using Limewire. I switched user and went out to find my sister logged on to my account, looking at the downloads in progress *faceplant* but I lied and said that some pervert was sending me the wrong downloads. I don’t know if she believed me but I’m pretty sure she didn’t because a few years back, the same friend of my sisters that I wanted to punch in the face pulled me aside one day when me, her and my sister were at the mall and asked me if I was gay. I obviously denied it and asked her where she would get such an idea. She told me her clue was catching me dancing in a “gay” way in my room once through the crack in my door. But I know that wasn’t the only clue she had. My sister and her friend always tell each other secrets and gossip about people so I figured my sister told her about that Limewire thing.


I know my sister probably knows I'm gay, but she probably doesn't want to believe it or hopes it was a phase. But I'm scared that she think (or will think) that she caused me to be gay because she used to put girls clothes and makeup on me for fun & laughs (I’m pretty sure she doesn't know that gender identity and sexuality are separate), but I know that was all in a playful spirit and obviously that is not what caused me to be gay (I was having gay thoughts even before she used to do that). Now I’m scared that she’s going to think that confused me or “triggered the gayness” in me and feel guilty her whole life (because I think she thinks it's a sin) about doing that if she ever remembers that (which I think she will). I'm scared she might turn to self-harm from all that guilt. I haven't really asked her but I think that my sister is starting to get as religious as my mom so she might equate being gay to being a sin.

I don't want to tell my sister now because I'm scared she has changed her mind about gays and will out me (I'm not financially independent yet). But when I do become financially independent, I will try to reassure her, and my parents that they had nothing to do with my sexuality, but another worry (yea I worry a lot lol) that comes to mind is if she (and my parents) will even give me enough time to reassure them of that.

I'm scared that whenever I do come out, their reaction will give me no time to explain myself and I will never get another shot to tell them. The reason why I'm saying this is because, I can't be sure if my family is going to totally shut me out forever after I come out or not, and my mom overreacts at everything (we don't even own a microwave because she's scared of the radiation myth), she is really strict and has reacted in the past physically to other revelations, like me having bad grades, so imagine if she hears that her own son is gay. If I could, I wouldn't reveal my sexuality to my family ever, but I think it's going to be obvious I'm gay if I'm 36 and haven't shown a wife & kids around yet and i DO NOT plan on suppressing my sexuality or trying reperative therapy. I heard it only makes things worse.

My family doesn't know better, even though we have the internet and we live in Canada, where the LGBT have rights and all, and where they have tons of resources to find out the true facts about how people end up being gay (although my mom, I think, has dismissed it as pseudoscience) and I don't know how to clarify any misconceptions and myths about being gay without coming across as gay. I might just out myself like that.

My sister has defended gays in the past though, and that was after she caught me downloading gay porn, but my mother or a family friend would always quickly shut her up and pull her back into the anti-gay mindset. I remember she brought up the point that homosexuality is common in the animal kingdom and her friend fired back at her saying “we’re not animals though.” I seriously wanted to punch her (my sister’s friend) for that because she was pulling my sister back into that anti-gay view that I was hoping she would gradually gravitate away from. She also once said that she doesn’t think that gay people choose to have difficult lives but then another family friend, who happened to visit us that day, was all like “gays lack willpower to turn straight” (so she was basically endorsing reparative therapy and/or suppressing sexuality). So now that my sister is baptized into the church (the church my mom is a part of only baptizes adults) and is starting to go to church more often, I’m pretty sure any pro-gay stance is gone for her.

I’m pretty sure they all still believe in every single stupid myth that is out there about gay people like "gays started HIV/AIDS, gays have to wear diapers etc."
I’m pretty sure that, if they don't shut me out right away, they’re going to ask me all the nitty gritty details like how I am going to have kids or if this means I’m going to have anal sex. My family already wants to know every single detail of my life.

I feel lucky that my parents immigrated to Canada, words will never express how lucky I am, but I know for sure if my parents ever found out I’m gay, they’re going to regret ever stepping foot outside their home country, which is a religious homophobe’s paradise, despite the corruption and the third-world status.

Is there anyone going through the same thing as me? Will I ever get over this? I just want this to leave my mind. I don’t want to feel guilty that my sexuality will stress my family out and blame themselves. I think I might have to speak with a counselor and not just any counselor, but one who has the same views and maybe even the same sexuality as me.
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