Hi, I'm not LGBTQ+ so I don't really know how to deal with a lesbian friend of mine, or whether I should even do anything in the first place. Basically, I've always known one of my really good friends is lesbian, but never said anything to respect her privacy. We're not best best friends, but definitely close enough for her to share something like that with me. However; I still completely understand that it must be hard and never got frustrated that she wouldn't tell me about it, until now. It's because she's gotten SO distant this past year. I'm usually the one putting most effort to keep in touch. Now, it could either be that she has outgrown me as a friend, regardless of her being lesbian... or, she assumes that I wouldn't be accepting and therefore doesn't feel like keeping up with the friendship because "what's the point". So I'm not really sure whether I need friendship or LGBTQ+ support advice, or a little bit of both. I only care this much because I really value our friendship (practically grew up with her) and don't want it to drift apart over something as simple as sexuality. We're both from a really religious and homophobic society, so I don't blame her for thinking I wouldn't be accepting. However, she's never tried to get my opinion on anything gay-related so I'm beginning to think she probably just genuinely doesn't care what I think. And she's come out to some of her friends whom I don't know, but we've known each other for much, much longer, so that hurts me too. I've obviously given this too much thought lol, and reached a point where I'm sick of it, so I made this account to ask. I just wish there was a way I could throw it out there that I love her for all that she is, without sounding like I know (wouldn't want her to feel "exposed"). So now I want to know from you all if there's something I'm not seeing? Should I do/say/ask anything, or accept that she doesn't want to be my friend (whether I know she's gay or not)? Thanks!
This is an incredibly hard position to be in for both of you. I can see three probable scenarios of what is going on here. Keep in mind this is just a thought and could be totally off base. Scenario 1: You said that you have known her for a very long time. Were you close at one time? Think back and try to remember. It could be that she developed feelings for you. Falling in love with someone who can not return your feelings in the same way can be unbearably painful, and if she is not out to you she may be distancing herself as a way to protect her heart. It also may be as you think; She may think that you won't accept her and is trying to cut ties. Scenario 2: People change and grow. Maybe she is growing far enough apart that she feels a need to move on. This may not have anything to do with you. It could be that she just wants to let go of the past. Scenario 3: It could be that you said or did something that hurt her without realizing it. If she felt you broke her trust, or that she can't trust you in general then she may want to keep away to protect herself. Being gay can be really scary. She may feel anxious and scared.
It really is hard! :bang: Scenario 1: I think she did have a tiny crush at one point actually, but it was for a little while and she's definitely not in love with me or anything like that right now Scenario 3: I've always been there for her, and thought it went without saying that she could trust me no matter what, but apparently not. I'll never fully understand why, but definitely looks like scenario 2, I just needed someone else to say it for me lol. I guess I'll just not put in too much effort anymore. Should have realized this earlier :| Okay thanks!
I agree with the previous poster. She may have developed feelings for you and is becoming distant for that exact reason. This could also be combined with the fact that she may think you may think poorly of her if she does come out to you. It is a difficult decision. She may also be trying to come to terms with it herself. Using myself as an example, I had a difficult time and became very distant with people I cared for simply because I was afraid of what they would say. In addition, I didn't want to come out to a person who was starting to become my friend because I assumed they may disown me and want nothing to do with me. Now, this friend knows and I actually found out she is bi. Now while she may know this little detail about me, I don't think she realizes another reason why I have distanced myself at times was specifically because I knew I would develop feelings for her. I kept my distance so much that I ended up getting a lecture from another friend because she saw how upset my crush was. Then I started talking to the girl I had feelings for again and it developed even more which I was trying to avoid. She started to want to talk about more personal things and in a way started to flirt with me and still does from time to time. I have a difficult time because I am trying to respect the fact that she is in a relationship, but also respect that she wants me in her life. It is incredibly difficult because I believe she knows I have feelings for her and at times I think she has feelings for me as well, but again she is in a relationship. Now where am I going with this? She cares and she may likely be trying to keep her heart safe by being distant. Well, my point is she may be great at hiding her romantic feelings for you by distancing herself assuming that they may go away-they likely won't for awhile. I am not saying she does have feelings for you, but you did say you think she did. Believe me if she did have feelings for you before I think deep down she may still have them. What sucks is trying to talk to her about this, because many people (like myself) keep our feelings to ourselves because we are afraid of rejection.
If you think she might be leery of your reaction if she did tell you, you might want to say something to show that you would be supportive. Maybe some comment showing your disgust at some homophobic thing in your local news. Unfortunately, doesn't sound like it would be too hard to find such a news story. Like: "This makes me so mad. How would they like it if people said that about Christians/Republicans? I just hope that if I had a gay friend, they'd never have to put up with this vile nonsense in person. I don't know how I could stand it if I was gay." Showing support and confirming you're (unfortunately) not gay. I hope you get a chance to talk to her again. It's not fun losing friends.
Unless you said something homophobic about gay people and gave her a reason to think you wouldn't accept her, I doubt that it's what's keeping her from telling you. Considering that she already told other people. Of course, you could always express support for lgbt rights, like bring up something lgbt related in conversation with her. If she still makes no effort to keep in touch, there's nothing you can do. It happens, people lose interest and it hurts the person who still cares about the friendship. Maybe you should start trying to make new friends.
