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Need Urgent advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Velgan, Sep 22, 2014.

  1. Velgan

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    Hello everyone and thank you for establishing this forum,

    First of all, I will tell you abit about me and my context. I am 21, just came out of college, entered my masters and joined one of the big 4 as an auditor, a dream job in my field at my age. I have always been very successful at everything. I also go to the gym and love training dogs. I am fine with my sexual orientation and have accepted it for years.
    Regarding my family, I am very different from my father and he is a bigot. I have always been very close to my mother. 3 years ago she was diagnosed as being bipolar and we went through very dark periods. She was compulsively put in a mental hospital for 2 months. This was 2 years ago and a year ago she stopped taking meds and counseling which now leads to a severe mental depression, self destructive and suicidal. So things have not been easy... Regarding my bro, he has been like a father to me always, he is 9 years older and a soon to be father himself. I told him 5 months ago I was gay and he was very supportive. For now he is the only one that knows.
    I am masculine and a regular guy so no one knows or guesses my sexuality. Parents are out of the question considering the situation, I have no friends I could trust (without jeopardizing my profession) both in work and in college.
    Recently, I have developed a very strong bond with the captain of my dog training team. He is 40 and a father of two. I have been telling him my problems, the overwhelm workload I face everyday in one of the most demanding jobs there is + masters, sleeping barely anything and at the end of the day facing the problems with my mother. She says she will kill herself daily (and there is a possibility) and continuously blackmails me emotionally to stay with her. Besides I also told him I was tired to live in a lie... And I am. First, because everyone expects the best of me everyday. I am very social, always doing prime work and setting the example. No one thinks I have problems, no one asks how I feel, I end up taking take of everyone at my house and no one takes care of me.
    This Thursday he said he would not go to work to have lunch with me since he wanted to talk about this personally. If my sexuality comes up should I tell him? He is a very wise and reasonable guy as far as I know but I can t handle more problems right now. Pros? Cons? Ideas? I know him for half a year and he is one of the only people I trust. I admire him a lot. What should I do? Any more info just post here and I will answer! Thanks in advance for the answers.
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    In some respects you have already dropped a big hint by saying you are "tired to live in a lie". Although this comment doesn't necessarily relate to your sexuality, it does send out a clue to a person with reasonable awareness.

    If he is a wise and reasonable guy, as you described him, I would tell him. It sounds like you need someone to confide in as your cup is pretty much overflowing right now. He is not family and he is not connected to work either, so you are on safer ground with him and it would mean another person, besides your older brother knows too (I'm pleased your brother was good, by the way).

    If you need another outlet for everything you are going through, please do post on here.
     
  3. Velgan

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    Thank you for your answer!
    He is a great role model indeed but I guess I am afraid of bing exposed like that. I have always been private about my intimacy and actually have never had the courage to be with a guy. I live in a very macho oriented place, not that I care per se since I know I am right but still need to assess the consequences. I have indeed no one to talk to nowadays or time even. People expect me to be an unstoppable machine and I can't blame them considering that is how I present myself. Still, having no one capable of asking if I am ok, hurts. Everyone assumes I am 2 strong for problems.
    This person is a very educated fella, awesome father, great team leader. I am still used to getting disappointed which makes me extra cautious. I am sure also if I told him my secret would be safe. Risk wise, losing his friendship by any chance would still hurt me a lot especially considering how training dogs is my only therapy at the moment. The rest of the people in the team although nice guys are very conservative and would not take it well nor would I be ready to confide such info with so many people. No more posts??? Sleepy people! :grin:
     
  4. olides84

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    It sounds like he'll be a good supporting friend wherever your conversation goes, but I'm wondering - you really didn't say if you wanted to come out and talk about your sexuality. Is it that you want to date, you want to stop hiding, you want to vent, you want a confidant? You've got so much on your plate I can certainly understand why it's been on the backburner before. What's different now?
     
  5. Velgan

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    For now I just want to talk I think. And maybe see if it gets easy to be honest with someone besides my brother. Someone that would know what is going on. Since most of the time I cannot be myself it seems nice to be so with very selected people. Being able not to lie... The case of not having a gf comes up regularly considering I am also not ugly at all :grin: one less person to whom I would say: I have no time and I dot want any relationship now... Thanks for the question
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Hey Velgan, welcome to EC!

    It is very important that you find a confidant, someone you can trust. When you tell him, just mention that you are telling him this because you trust him and because you need to talk about it with someone. Dare to be vulnerable, confide that you need help and that the façade you have put up is starting to crack a little...most people respond very well to being needed in that way.

    I wish you the best of luck!