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(Not) coming out in a conservative region

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by oscarneedslove, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. oscarneedslove

    Full Member

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    Location:
    small town in a red county, US
    I live in a very conservative region middle of nowhere. I am guessing people will suggest me to move to a more liberal state this is not even an option for me. I am not a US citizen and I was born in an extremely homophobic country. I came to the US about 7 years ago to study and I earned a PhD degree here. I am currently on a work visa which only allows me to work for my current company and I am not even allowed to change jobs. Even if I was a citizen it would be really hard to find another job because there are only a handful of companies match my research experience. I am really scared of going back to the country I was born.
    Considering the fact that I have to live in this small conservative town for a very long time I am not sure how I will socialize with people or find a bf/partner and come out of closet. It is almost impossible to socialize with people when you have such a big part of yourself is hidden. People don't like such a huge dark side. They would like to see a wife, girlfriend or at least they would like to see you try finding a heterosexual relation. Some people offer hookups with their single friends. That means I need to stay away from people which cause deep and extreme loneliness. There is no LGBT related activity in the 100 miles radius. Extreme loneliness lead me to depression. All I need a supportive straight or LGBT friend but it is almost impossible to meet such person here. I feel like stuck and hopeless. :icon_sad:
     
  2. Anonymous777

    Anonymous777 Guest

    Don't care about what other people think, just do those things which make you happy. You could try to look for gay people near your town on the Internet. It might be difficult but not impossible. Keep trying!
     
  3. Feijoa

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    Location:
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    Hi Oscarneedslove,

    I've been in your shoes in having a tricky work status complicate things in the US. It plays a lot into so much, I don't think people realise to the extent it can affect the things we need to function on a personal level, so I do sympathise with those feelings of despair. As you can see from my profile location, I am also in a conservative part of the world, and whilst the "charade" of not being openly allowed to be, well, open, or find any sort of LGBT anything was bearable for the most part, I find I'm starting to notice that something is missing and there is a gap forming in who I am, and who people perceive me to be. I'm back in the closet so to speak, which is an odd ball of emotions alongside.

    So finding a place like Empty Closets (that isn't country proxy blocked) is a Godsend, and I hope you find some sanctuary here and stay around for as long as you need to. There is a nice mix of people from all over here and many have similar experiences, or can offer some great words of advice or comfort.

    I sympathise when you say hiding a big part of you makes it difficult to socialise, and it feels almost a necessity to hide away from people as you feel it is a dark overshadow into everything you do. Having the worry about how it will be perceived by others, or if it could affect your work is a real anxiety ball. And having to fend off people badgering you about "living the straight life dream" can get tiring pretty quickly.

    It looks like you have done some research on what is around you as far as LGBT or even a gay-friendly option. What about universities? Are there any universities with a LGBT group? It could be a start to reach out to them as they may be able to suggest other groups or even welcome you to visit to at least have some LGBT-friendly-safe support. What about your alma mater? Was there a group there? Do you recall anyone who is now alumni and you could now get in touch with?

    There's always the OTHER OTHER option of dating sites and apps where you make it absolutely clear what your intentions are for socialising. It's not ideal, and I wouldn't normally recommend it, but the Internet has no "borders" so to speak, and as a last resort it could be at least a means to have other like-minded people to talk to who may be in the same state, or region... or situation.

    I'm going to assume from you saying that you originate from a homophobic country that it is one of a handful well-known ones. That's your privacy, so don't feel obligated to say where, but are there any coalitions, organisations, or groups within the US that are inclusive of your home country? For example (without assuming anything, just the quickest one I could come up with based on my location), there are numerous Gay-Arab groups and communities, that are searchable online. Perhaps there is something relevant to you?

    Try not to despair over your situation, and don't lose hope - there is always a way. I suppose for what little comfort it can be, there could be someone else, or others hidden away in the closet in your county who are also looking (or have found even) a way to balance their personal and work life in a conservative region. Many do and have :slight_smile:
     
  4. oscarneedslove

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    Today some technicians and engineers, who work for me, questioned my personal life. They wanted to know if I was dating anyone or why I spent my weekends at the lab. I had to tell many different made up stories and that really makes me sick. I am planning to eat my lunch in my office and minimize my conversations with the technicians. But it is really hard. I was about to cry after that talk. I feel really lonely.:icon_sad:
     
  5. Anonymous777

    Anonymous777 Guest

    Sorry. It's difficult to deal with that. You have my support. Don't feel lonely. You have me, this website and the other members.

    If only I could be there for you...

    (*hug*)
     
  6. oscarneedslove

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    I don't know how to express my feelings but you are really so important for me. You are lovely caring and supportive to me all the time. you never get mad at me or judge me and i feel so much better each time I talk to you. (*hug*)
     
  7. Anonymous777

    Anonymous777 Guest

    Why would I get mad at you or judge you? I have no reasons to do so and it makes me feel so happy that I can help you as much as I can. (*hug*)
     
  8. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've read about your situation and all of the despairing thoughts you have been having and I want to say how sorry I am that you are having such a difficult time. You must feel very isolated and alone at times. While it's like this I would encourage you to keep coming here, talk to us about your situation and speak to us more generally about life, your hopes and dreams, even if they are currently limited by your situation. I'm sure you have seen how friendly people are on here and I feel confident it will help you if you connect with us more. Maybe you can tell us a little more about your work/research (assuming it's not confidential)?

    People ask personal questions out of curiousity, but I think it's easier to rebuff the qestions in your situation. Something like this.. you are a non US citizen, working hard to obtain your green card. Your work means a lot to you and you need to remain focused and dedicated to your project. Your work leaves little time and your non-citizen status makes the idea of a relationship with anyone awkward and complicated and it wouldn't be fair on them or you.

    That may not be entirely true, but it's certainly not a lie. I'm sure it would be a legitimate reason for a great many people in your situation. Of course, in the ideal world, you would be able to come out and be open with everyone, but nobody on this forum lives with their head in the clouds and we fully understand how difficult it can be when you are surrounded by conservative voices.

    Lean on us and try to tell us a bit more about you.. if you are comfortable with that. Remember, it's a safe place to be yourself.

    Have a hug! (*hug*)
     
    #8 PatrickUK, Oct 3, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2014