Hey all. So I'm having some troubles with my boyfriend right now. This post will probably come out more as a stream of conscience type deal than an organized series of thoughts - so sorry in advance! So, my philosophy is that when you drink alcohol, you don't become a different person, you just succumb to impulses that you normally control when you're sober. Ie. If you don't desire to get into fights when you're sober, you're not going to do so when you're drunk, unless you have an impulse to do so when you're sober that you give into when you're drunk. So lately, I've been getting furiously angry with my boyfriend when I'm drunk, like everytime I drink. I yell, scream, cry, etc. at him. It's always very emotional, because when I'm drunk, I have a hard time conquering my emotions. In so far as that goes, it's hurting my ability to have fun when I'm out with others. My reason in mentioning this is that I've realized that the problems in my relationship are just on a level of two people, my boyfriend and I, it's actually hurting my ability to maintain and develop relationships with others when I'm constantly angry or sad when I'm drunk / sober. I'm having a hard time figuring out why I get so mad at him when I'm drunk or sober. Part of it, I think, is that we're just different people. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. He keeps his bottled up. I tell him I love him when I feel like saying it. He only tells me so in response. I'm always the one to make the first move. The first to go in for the kiss, hug or hello. This summer we were a part, and I called him out on how he didn't call me in three days. Not a big deal, of course, but at the same time - if you have the time to do so, why not just call your boyfriend that you're supposed to be in love with? His response to me was that when he gets home from work people are always over so he doesn't have the time. That led me to just wonder: when do I become someone in his life that he makes the time for? We've been dating for 11 months. We both go to college together, but I'm a year older, so next year I'm graduating. He knows I'm applying to graduate schools, but never has bothered to ask me where I want to go of the schools I'm applying to. that just makes me think he doesn't care where our relationship is going to be in a year. If it doesn't matter to him that I could be in California while he's still on the east coast that's scary. I've tried talking to him about how he makes me feel. How I feel like he's not putting the effort in keeping the passion and love of the relationship going. The result always seems to be the same, we come to some sort of agreement and nothing changes. I go on being emotional, and he goes on being distant. He also normally thinks I'm just being too clingy, sensitive, or insane. In that sense, I always feel like whenever I talk to him - he's not really listening to me. He thinks I'm just being a psycho and I need to get over it and change. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like talking to him isn't working. Being so sad doesn't apparently affect him. I just don't know where to go from here. Is it me? Am I just being too sensitive and aware of these issues? or is it him? does he need to change? I just really don't know how to go about this at all. Things are so one sided here, and I just feel like he doesn't care, and I don't now how to find out if that's just him being his quiet, reserved self, or he actually doesn't care about me, or this relationship. I'm not really sure what response I'm expecting or want from others, but I just had a little bit to say and thought I would say it here since I have so few resources in my life to talk to about these things.
Two things. First off, you're falling into a common trap. The feeling that "as it is for me, so it is for everyone". That your level of showing affection is the "correct" level, and anyone who deviates from it is doing it wrong. So if someone say "I love you" more, he's "creepy", but if someone says it a lot less, he's "distant". You tell him you love him a lot, and he doesn't - thus he's an unfeeling bastard. Well, no, not necessarily. That's just not how he operates. He's just a lot calmer, a lot less effusive with his emotions. I know this first-hand, because that's how I am. My nickname is "the robot". I just don't get very emotional, even when one would think the situation would dictate it. I could say "I love you" a lot more, but it would be rote. I'd be saying it the same way I used to say the pledge of alleigance at school - saying it because somebody thought I should be saying it. There'd be no meaning, no feeling behind those words. When you want your boyfriend to say "I love you", wouldn't you rather he meant it? Rather than just saying it because he felt you wanted to hear it, and he didn't want to make you mad? This is how he is. He can change a bit, but he's not going to suddenly melt and be gooey for you. That's not how he's wired. That doesn't mean he doesn't truly care for you - he (most likely) does. But he can either force himself to fake-act-lovey-dovey, or he can just sort of do it his own way. It'll be up to you whether or not you can handle someone who is very reserved. Second, stop drinking so much. (If your theory is true that "people do when drunk what they really want to do when sober", then apparently my friend from high school really wanted to drive into a tree, and it took alcohol to enable him to live out this wish.) Drinking isn't a liberator - it's a depressant. You know, which starts with the word "depress". You're not freeing your emotions by drinking - you're simply become an asshole. Quit it. You don't have to be drunk, or even drinking, to have fun when you're out with your friends. Lex
Hi there! I agree with Lex and he has already given you a few things to think about. Remember a relationship is between two people who might approach that relationship differently and let the other know in different ways of how one feels about the other. Is there something wrong with it? No. It does sound like that he is a very reserved person. But as Lex indicated, yes he can perhaps change ab it as well but you have to decide for yourself, am I okay with having a reserved boyfriend? I am sure he loves you and cares about you but just in his own way. When you drink, you do become a different person. Period! It does not matter what impulses you have when you are sober. You think you can control things, but in reality you can't and your post gives examples of that. Imagine yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. When you "yell, scream, cry, etc. at him" what do you think is going through his mind? Is this a way to solve any of your problems with him? Is this a way to build a relationship that means something to the both of you? Keep in mind that everything is connected in a relationship. Your behavior towards him will affect his behavior towards you. Try to stop drinking. I agree with Lex, to have fun with your boyfriend and/or your friend, you do not have to drink. Alcohol has ruined relationships before. Work on your relationship with him. Not drinking might also help you to change a few things in your relationship. Try not to get angry. You know him better than we do. You know how he is wired. Try to involve him in the things you do more and see what happens. For example, when you apply to graduate schools show him the information that you have and ask him what do you think? See what he says and take it from there. Not to take sides here, but maybe he himself is scared a bit as well as to where your relationship might be heading but just does not know how to communicate his fears. I hope this helps a bit!
