A Mess!

Okkk, so i'm going to try and type this story. It may be scrappy, but i just need to try and get it off my chest.

Alright so firstly, I guess I've been questioning my sexuality for years (I'm 23), as if there's been some underlying suspicion that I wasn't 100% straight, but never really gave it too much thought, I Guess I just wanted to be normal or fit in or whatever. But now a catastrophic chain of events has catapulted me into facing it head on, way before I am ready. But I'm going to explain the most recent one because that's whats on my mind right now.

Alright, I'm gonna try and make some sense happen now.
So it was my birthday on sunday, and with a friend we had a drink and then headed to meet some other friends, some of whom I've known for years and some are more like acquaintances. Before we got there (park bench heha) I said to my good friend something along the lines of "dude, for some reason I feel like I'm going to bring bad energy to the situation" this is mostly to do with I guess heavy social anxiety I face, especially with groups of people I don't really know. He said It's cool, don't worry, or we could go somewhere else. But we proceeded to go anyway.

Luckily when we got to this desolate bench in a dark field, everyone was literally leaving to drive to the burger shop which was great because it gave me some time to 'calm down' so we continued to talk about briefly about vibes etc.
Then someone neither of us knew (friend of a friend) approached and asked for a roll up which I obliged. Anyhow things weren't going to badly, (some mediocre conversations were taking place) (sorry this is a blurt of a story). After a short while the car with the others returned and everyone gathered round the bench to proceed with drinking, smoking etc. Now where to go from here? basically I've recently given up smoking weed because I suffer from panic attacks.
One of the acquaintances passed me a tiny rock of hash which i mindlessly proceeded to add to a cigarette. Now I guess this is where it all started because I think the vibe switched, and I started to think everyone was talking about me, a friend also offered me half a pill of mdma which again, birthday, can't refuse sort of mentality(dammit) took place.
So for a good while on this bench I was being incredibly awkward not saying a word, paranoid as hell listening to what everyone was saying but in a strange way as if every word applied to me. Two people even left I'm guessing just because I was ****ing up the vibe so bad.
Now basically the whole time I was thinking that they were talking about me being gay, (it was a painful half hour or more) even though they probably weren't even talking about me. And so eventually, the only words I could say were. "Boys, I think I'm gay".

time to cut a long story short

Basically the whole night (maybe five hours) I remained in this state of thinking people were talking about me and saying, "boys, I think I'm gay" and other I think i'm gay related sentences.

It was basically incredibly awkward and strange the whole night, there where about 6 of us there and the friend group extends to around thirty so i'm sure this story has spread far and wide, although somehow it doesn't bother me too much although it is extremely crippling when I think about it.
I spoke to my best friend who was there, the day after and he said that mostly, people really didn't care, and also that he doesn't think I'm gay, and that I was thinking about it too much, which obviously I was. I do actually think about it alot which makes me think I may have HOCD. I also spoke to another good friend who was there and he said pretty much the same thing, and he thinks people didn't really believe me, and also that it would blow over.

The fact is I worry about being gay everyday and it has crippled my social life, this was just the epic climax of all these repressed worries focused into one terrible nightmare of an experience.. (I was also scared that if i didn't say I was gay that something was going to kill me)(this is on mdma & weed) (i've also had that fear before but didn't act on it)

Sorry for the messed up nature of that story, my minds a bit of a mess right now.

*explicit*
I should add that I do have an underlying urge to perform fellatio on a dude, and when I was young, me and a friend did that once. I am also heavily attracted to women but my confidence is really shaky.

Basically everything's a mess and I don't know what to do, I don't know if I'm gay, bi, curious, but it riddles my mind every day and I don't know how to tackle it. I'm really sorry for the epic nature of this post but I had to get it out.
Should I try and see a psychiatrist or something? my minds pretty messed up..

 

Thanks for your response. I think you could be right there I may be bisexual. Feels like a strange thing to come to terms with though.