I recently told a couple of trusted friends I think I may be a lesbian. Now I am regretting it, not because I've changed my mind, I am just afraid of being wrong. I just wish I could be more comfortable telling people!! I've had 7 or so relationships with women.. that should be enough for me to get past the "questioning" stage.. but the thought of being anywhere else scares me. I'm 38, I have been struggling with this over 20 years. I've always known I like women but still having problems accepting that about myself. I have spent more energy than I want to admit trying to convince myself to be straight, and I don't know where to start with trying to learn to accept myself. All I've learned so far is dating a guy, or joining a somewhat anti-gay church, isn't going to change me (embarrassed to say I've tried both) and I am starting to realize the only way is to learn to accept myself..
While our situations are a bit different (I never tried to make myself straight), I know how you feel. It took me 10 years to accept myself for who I am. Now, I'm working on coming out to people and it's terrifying. I think it's safe to say that if you've been in 7 relationships with women, that the straight ship has sailed without you. Are you attracted to men at all? Here's the thing though...you don't have to label yourself unless you want to. And this is something that gets done on your timeline, no one elses. Are you just using the word "questioning" to keep from having to come out? Even if you admit to yourself that you're gay, you don't have to admit it to anyone else until you're ready. Accepting yourself as a lesbian doesn't mean anything else in your life has to change. Go look in the mirror and tell yourself "I like girls, and I'm okay with that." Go. Do it now. I'll wait. It's not your fault that girls are so hot The first person you have to come out to is yourself. That's the first step in accepting yourself. If you've been in relationships with women, this might not work for you but there are a few things that helped me be more comfortable. I needed and still need to know that there are people like me and I need to be able to connect with them. It makes me feel less alone and less like a freak. I talked to a lot of lesbians online. I read a lot of books with lesbian characters as well as movies/tv shows. If you want some recommendations, I have a list as long as my arm. The thing that really flipped my switch was going to Pride last year. I went by myself, but it's one of the best days I've had in a long time. The most important thing is to realize that you're not alone, because you're not. If you want to chat, feel free to message me.
You need to admit to yourself that you are a lesbian, perhaps say it in the mirror. It may be worth reading into sexuality more and understanding that it cannot be changed or cured by dating guys. I found using this website helped get me out of denial as I was openly discussing the issue of sexuality (even if it is with strangers), so perhaps giving and seeking advice would be helpful.
"Identity is a process, not an endpoint." Even if you identify as a lesbian now, and come out to some people, it's okay if later you decide you're bi or queer or something else. Sexuality is a fluid thing.
RainbowSocks, you are right a bout so many things.. and I'd love to hear about books if you have recommendations!
I think that you should be comfortable with yourself that you're *most likely* a lesbian. Say it to yourself. As if you were stating your race, gender, or nationality. It's okay. You haven't lied at all, as far as I'm concerned, and determining your sexuality is not an overnight process. It takes time . Take as much time as you need.
Bee the first thing that popped into my head for you is The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M Danforth. It kind of reminds me of your situation. It's a young adult fiction novel, but I think you'd enjoy it.
