Last night we had a lock-in at my church (we are really really liberal and accepting) which is where my best friends are, it's really the only place where I feel like I fit in. I was sitting on the swings with one of my friends just talking and the subject of agreeing to date guys you're friends with but don't really like like came up. I had one of those this past fall who is also in youth group (this was before I realized I was gay). And she asked me straight up, "are you gay?" I said no. "are you bi?" I said no. Fuck. I mean I am really close to this friend but I just don't feel comfortable coming out to her yet. I try to avoid having to actively deny being gay/ proclaim my "straightness" and just let people assume what they want. Part of me is mad I said no or thinks that I should have at least said I was questioning or something, but I'm just not comfortable with that yet. I guess I just don't want to lose control of my coming out process before I feel ready for something to go wrong and everyone suddenly knows. Still, I hate lying. I hate lying when I sort of want to be out and I just know that it is not a good idea right now and I don't feel like dealing with the repercussions. It just really sucks and it is making me want nothing more than to be straight and not have to feel that flighty lead stomached feeling of hearing the word "gay" associated with my name, out of my own mouth or someone else's. How do I deal with this anyway?
That's deffinately easier said than done. I've told quite a few people and I honestly believe if someone were to confront me in that manner about my sexuality, I'd have to say no too.
I think you need to come out to people when you're ready - and if you had been ready you'd have said yes. So don't feel bad. And don't worry that when you do come out to that person that they'll hate you for lying. It was a tough spot they put you in, and they'll understand. They'll just be happy that you chose to tell them when you were ready.
Oh believe me, I know. But you have to start somewhere. I think this person probably already suspects something, and by asking you she's saying "Hey, its ok, I understand". You usually don't get opportunities like this.
Hi there! Don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay if you haven't told her. You have to be ready and have that feeling that the right time has come to let her know. As Jim said, also don't worry about what she (or any other friend for that matter) will think. They'll understand.
The question was brought on by me mentioning something about how my friend convinced a guy she was gay so he wouldn't ask her out. And yeah, I know it was an opportunity that I won't get many times. It's not that I would mind her knowing, it's that I know that while we are close and we can talk about a lot of personal stuff (we have had similar issues with depression, etc.) I am not completely confident in her ability to be *totally* secretive and I'm just not ready for more than one or two people to know yet.
It's easy to say tell the truth when ur out to everyone but don't come out to anyone unless ur ready to and u know they're going to keep it secret I find most people will keep things like that a secret unless they are really really bitchy lol
Hi there! I think you really needn't worry about having missed an opportunity. I don't think you have. Opportunities come and go. In fact, you can even create these opportunities yourself once you are ready. The most important thing is that you go according to what you think is right for you. Not telling someone (even a friend) when asked is perfectly alright. Remember that the most important thing is (and as you have said) that you feel that you are ready for others to know. As you have doubts as to how much you can trust her on not telling others, I think you have done the right thing.
