I'm hoping a few people will listen to a rant, and maybe give me some much needed advice! My story is pretty typical. I knew I was gay since I was 18, and have been with my partner (husband for practical purposes at this point) for more than 7 years (known him for over 12). We've been through a lot, but have settled into a very happy relationship. He's in his early 30's and I'm in my late 30's. Both of us are in the process of coming out, and it has been an incredibly slow and painful process for both of us, certainly our fault to some extent. I first came out to one of my best friends three years ago, and after a two year gap, told another close friend last year. These are the only two people I have approached. We recently moved to a new city and new jobs, and I promised myself to not hide my orientation. So far so good. Every one of my co-workers who has asked directly over the past year (two so far) I have had the guts to tell. My partner and I have finally made a couple friends who know as well, a first for us. I can count 10 people that know I am gay, although there are probably more. All that positive stuff being said, I am VERY aware of my actively trying not to tell people, and being found out in conversation is a very stressful and real situation for me every day. I manage a significant group of people, and none of them know. Somehow I feel I would lose their respect if they knew, they would think I'm somehow weird, or it would make my interactions as their supervisor kind of awkward. Peers in my large workplace tend to be men, most with families and traditional lives, and I think if they knew it could be detrimental to my career. I think many assume I am single or perhaps suspect I am gay; certainly when I am invited to come to events (over for dinner, BBQ, out for a beer, etc.), they assume I will come alone. I guess my question is, does anyone have experience or suggestions from similar events in their past? Am I being TOO private with my private life? I don't want to make a big announcement or anything, that would just be awkward for all. What freaks me out the most is that I have spent a great deal of time getting to where I am in my professional career, I am very busy with the details of that work and keeping my partner happy, and I don't want to throw a big wrench into everything. Of course it is also difficult to lead somewhat parallel lives where the life of my partner is not integrated into all things that hetero couples would normally do together (as I'm sure many here know). The whole situation is incredibly stressful for me, and leads me to generally be exhausted and frankly sad much of the time. Any advice would be very very much appreciated. Coming out to my family is another issue altogether. I feel very immature for not having told my family at this point, but one thing at a time.
From my experiences with gossip at work ... if you've told some people there already, it's probably not a secret anymore. Where I work most people just put a picture of themselves with their partner on their desk, or mention their partner when the subject comes up. Just like a heterosexual couple would do. I've only known one person who made a special announcement about it... he was a manager, and he only said something because he invited his department to a barbeque at his home, and didn't want anyone to be surprised that his boyfriend lived with him. I live in a fairly liberal area, though, so your results may vary.
Hi FarOut I am 49 and have been with my partner for 26 years and in civil partnership for 6 (since the law changed). We can convert this to a marriage from December this year. To cut a long story short, being in a very happy relationship I haven't been involved in the gay arena for years and it was only when I watched a video on YouTube (coming out letter to my Mom) that I had a bit of a shock! I hadn't ralised how much the world had changed since I came out to my parents when I was 20. I then found this site and for the first time remembered what I went through growing up with none of the support that is available with the internet. I then wrote a letter to my parents last February explaining what I had gone through. They had no idea, and told me that they could only read my letter one paragraph at a time! It was a tearful few months and I am now just about over it. What I am trying to say to you is that you must first be completely comfortable with who you are and to love yourself for who you are. I have only just done that myself. Once you do that you will have no problem coming out to others because you won't care! I am going to see the film Pride next week. Possibly with my parents! I'm a bit worried because it is set in 1983/4/5. I came out aged 18 to a friend, and came out to my parents in 1985. Watching the trailers I am the same age as the character Joe. I remember the miners strike, the way the press treated us, and a friend who died of aids at that time. I just hope I don't blubber too much! I noticed in the trailer that the newspaper that is help up is called 'The Post'. The worst offender was The Sun. It was a Murdock newspaper. Murdoch also owns Fox who funnily enough made the film Pride! Sorry for my rant, but please love yourself (and your partner!) and nothing else matters.
Hey FarOut, welcome to EC! It must be exhausting keeping such a secret for so long. As doinitagain said above, you still need to be comfortable with who you are. There is only one way, and that is to be open about who you are. You are afraid of losing opportunities but you are discounting the positives that can come from this as well. It is incredible how, without saying a word and just having the right attitude (call it swagger or standing tall), that being open and unashamed (shame definitely affects your body language) makes coming out easier. At work, it is no one's business who you sleep with, but it is also no one's right to intimidate you so thoroughly that you cannot bring your significant other to work-related social events. I would go so far as to say that all of us LGBT folk have an opportunity to make life easier for each other, if we are open, others will feel less alone being open as well. You may indeed be able, in your current position at work, to set an example...there may be someone else in your milieu who is closeted without your knowledge. So people will talk...you're in NYC, I've heard that there are quite a few openly gay people out there...
Hi FarOut While I agree with everything that people above have said, I thought I'd offer a different perspective. I manage an office and am not out at work. At times I have as many as 80 people under me. (Not in a kinky way ) I find it easier to not be out at work. When you have that size of a group you can guarantee that at least some are going to be bigoted and hateful. How are you supposed to be someone's boss when they don't respect you? I keep my work and private life completely separate. I'd go insane if I didn't. We don't really have "work functions" so I don't have to worry about bringing a date to one but even if we did, I'm not sure I'd want to. These are people you work with, not your friends. Who you live with and sleep with are not their business. I understand that you are worried about "slipping" and saying something to out yourself. I worry about that everyday, and not just at work. If you're partner is understanding and supportive of you not coming out at work, then I wouldn't. Yes, that means that you can't go to the company BBQ together, but that's a small sacrifice to make to save your career and your sanity. On another note, I'm not sure where you're from, but here, it's not illegal to fire someone based on their sexuality unless your company has a specific policy against it.
OOPs I misread the OP's "new city" as NYC :icon_redf Yes indeed, if the OP is in a place that does not guarantee that you can't be fired for being gay, it is another matter entirely. The OP does suffer anxiety as a result of being closeted at work, this is no way to live...it is an injustice that his SO can't join him at company functions, but it is a matter of company policy and attitude that may make a difference.
