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Prime time to come out to dad?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by falcenav, Oct 1, 2014.

  1. falcenav

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    My (assumed) homophobic father recently had to cover a guy at work because the guy's son comitted suicide.

    Now, I'm a pretty awesome son to him. I'm athletic, I take difficult classes and get A's, I'm not rebellious, and I don't do drugs/have sex etc. (I'm straight???)

    I feel like he has thought "What if my son killed himself and I lose him" because of the suicide. If I came out, would he realize that "hey, he has so many great qualities and if I reject him he might kill himself"?

    Also, I think he is homophobic. I haven't heard him say anything a about homosexuality in a loooong time. He may have become a bit more open to LGBT. Also, all the times he said something homophobic in the past it was about the femininity of the stereotype. If his issue is with the femininity and not the fact that I'm kissing a guy, I don't have to worry as much.

    He randomly made me cookies the other day too (before the suicide). I came home from school and he wrote a note with the cookies saying "(name), you are a wonderful son! love, dad." So, would stuff like that stop if I came out or would he love me and accept me? That's my issue. I have a really good standing with my dad and I don't want to come out and destroy it. But I don't know how he'd respond. He has two other sons that are presumed straight and can carry on the family line, by the way.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    As a parent, I can assure you that what you think he is thinking is exactly what he is thinking.

    It's the admittedly morbid part of being a parent: thinking of all the ways I could lose them.

    He obviously loves you very much, the cookie gesture was beautiful. No one can tell what his reaction will be, but you are the owner of your life. If you live your life to live up to what others may think of you, or to maintain your standing with a parent, there will be no end to your frustration. You will not be living with integrity.

    My advice is simple, but not necessarily easy: In order to come out to him, be the good person that you are! In other words, come out to him as the decent hard-working and moral man that you are, with conviction and assuredness. I suspect (but of course, cannot guarantee) that he will admire you even more for your courage and your honesty. If he acts the way he should, you will become even closer to him, because you will be able to be yourself with him, fully and completely.
     
  3. Leader233

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    Never assume some one is homophobic. I once knew a girl who was afraid her Mom was homophobic and I knew her Mom was Bi.
     
  4. Yossarian

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    This is a tough one based only on what you said, but I think you dad is reaching out to you because he is sensing that you are different from his other sons, and he wants to reassure you that he loves you and accepts you and is proud of you just as you are to him. The recent suicide may have him thinking that you need assurances of how much he cares about you. It is hard to imagine that he would be feeling this way and simultaneously be so shallow as to reject you if you come out to him, if his only concern is that you would be feminine if you come out, which is, of course, nonsense; you are you just as he sees you now. Whether you are ready now to come out is something only you can decide, but it wouldn't be a bad idea when you do decide, if you are also able to reassure him that nothing is going to change about your behavior because of what you tell him, and that you have accepted your orientation, and are not about to kill yourself just because you feel more comfortable living with another man than a woman.
     
  5. BenjiChr

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    It's difficult to say what your father might think of the topic, and I think it especially depends on how good of a relationship you have. The fact that he may be thinking about what life would be like if he lost you, might just make him (if he was homophobic) more open to the concept. It's a tough call to have to make, though. I always thought my dad would be supportive of my choices in life, but he and I have had quite a strained relationship since I came out almost two years ago. He is warming up, however (my mother is, too, even though she took it a lot harder than he did). So even though he may have his issues with the concept at first, he may very well warm up to you again. As long as you do a good job on explaining your own feelings, and tell him that nothing has changed, I think you'll be fine. There is no way to tell for certain until you have burst the bubble.
    I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! Good luck! :slight_smile: