Me and my sister just recently started talking again after years of not being on speaking terms. We stopped talking to each other like around mid-2007 over a stupid fight (it had nothing to do with my sexuality) and just last year around this time, after I came back from living in residence at university, she said she wanted to stop fighting and make amends. But I'm scared that she thinks she turned me gay because I remember one time last year before I went to school, we got into a fight and then she called me gay (I think she knows I'm gay) and in the heat of the moment I was like "well maybe If you didn't call me gay all these years then I wouldn't start believing it." I hope she doesn't ever remember that, but I'm scared she will. The thing is, I don't even know if she knows the real science behind being gay. She probably might think that her calling me gay, turned me gay. But obviously it didn't because before she even did that, I already knew I was. I know siblings poke fun at each other by calling each other gay (even though it's offensive in general) so I know that it's all innocent at times. How am I going to tell her that it is not her fault? I'm scared that she won't even give me enough time when I come out to explain that to her and she'll just overreact and shut me out as soon as I come out. I'm scared that she'll just hold the guilt in her for the rest of her life and not come to me to talk about it so I can tell her it's not her fault. I don't really know if she is really religious or just faking it to fit in so it's only safe to say she'll react negatively. Can anyone give me some advice
Honestly, I think you're just being irrational. She wont think that because, well, it's irrational. So yeah, don't worry about it.
Hi Driftr She wants to make amends. If you want to meet her have a talk. Forget about the gay thing. Get the relationship back on track first and then worry about 'coming out'!!
If she wants to apologize for this then you just have to accept her apology and then tell her how it wasn't her fault and you never blamed her because it's not anyone's fault. Never was. I think this is how "making up" works, no?
@ clay = agrees amd thank F someone thinks something here sounds irrational . ---------- Post added 3rd Oct 2014 at 05:49 PM ---------- And I gotta qualify that some too: I've called a ton F of dudes gay and , worse ( no, I'm not proud ). Now who's schmaxking for this one dudes D? Me, so ,ye, irrational man .
You can always provide her with information about being gay and what science and psychology has to say when you come out to her and in that way she has access to the information and wont feel responsible. This might help you feel better. Educating people is always a good idea, especially when you think they might make inaccurate assumptions.
Is your sister smart and intelligent? If so.. I think she will realize that it wouldn't be her words that made you gay.. I think you could be underestimating her to be a little honest, people say things in the heat of the moment, some things that shouldn't be said, but are not meant. If she doesn't possess a lot of common sense and she really does think that.. Maybe just a little talk, just apologizing for saying that and that you didn't mean what you said and that it is something you were born being that way.. But I think you are over thinking and over analyzing because you feel guilty you said it, so apologize if you feel it will give you peace, but really.. If she an intelligent woman, she will not really think that she made you gay. You could also be worried about the fact you outed yourself in an argument and what her reaction to you really being gay is, so that could be why you are over thinking it all as well.
Thank you guys so much for your replies. I know my worries seem irrational but my mom has said a lot of irrational things about gays in the past and my sister most likely has eaten it up. They both have common intelligence, I would say, but are not really rational thinkers in some areas. But then again there are people that are intelligent but believe in lots of irrational things. Since I’m pretty sure everyone in my family, except me, is uneducated about gays, I’m worried they might arrive at irrational conclusions including blaming themselves for my gayness or blaming it on my parents separation or whatever. I feel like I’m the only one that can give them the truth but I’m scared they will have little patience to hear any pro-gay science from me. They all are Christian after all, except me. I plan on moving out after university, but even then, I know my family will still try to contact me and as the years go by, they’re going to notice that I haven’t brought a girl over , or even talked about a girl I like. At this point, I’m just planning to just accept that they may arrive at irrational conclusions and blame themselves for my being gay. It just kills me of the possibility that anything could go wrong, like they may be so overcome with guilt that they’ll take their life or something. Maybe I’m overreacting. I hope I am. But irrational people could arrive at irrational conclusion and that’s what scares me.
Unless your sister has some sort of serious disorder(if she does I send my condolences), there is pretty much no way she believes you can turn people gay by calling them that. I've never heard any anti-gay person say that's possible before, and it sounds even crazier than most of the stuff they say to me.
Yea. I see where you all are coming from & I'm so thankful for your replies. I'm so sorry that this is long but I have a whole lot to say. The thing that always bothers me is that in the past when my sister would call me gay, I know it was all in humor, but she would get in trouble by my mom. My mom would even hit her and say something along the lines of "Don't you dare say that to him, he might take it to heart and start believing it." So I'm scared that she thinks that she caused Here's another thing. My sister used to be such an impatient tutor to my little sister. She would yell impatiently at wrong answers, calling her stupid and even outright beating her when she got answers wrong in her homework. My mom has attributed all of that to my little sisters low marks and her need for a tutor in school saying "You've called her stupid so much and now she took it to heart and believed it," so there's a pattern that I'm scared is going to repeat. I'm scared if I come out, my mom will even blame my sister and she's feel so guilty that she'll do something to herself (I don't want to say the "S" word). My mom is right a little. I know that constantly telling someone something can influence them, but that NOT how it works with sexuality and I don't want her to take it that way. I don't even blame my sister for calling me gay because when I was little, I would do a lot of feminine things - I preferred playing with barbies sometimes and I hanged out with a lot of girls, not to mention, I put one of her dresses on just for fun. I'm not transgendered though nor am I a cross-dresser BTW (I was just curious to see how wearing a dress felt like. I no longer have a burning desire to). Although I know gender identity and sexuality have nothing to do with each other, the stereotype of gays (even though it's a myth) is that they're feminine, so she was only putting two-and-two together. She was just stating her observation. Don't get me wrong, my sister seems like an intelligent person at times, but I can't tell how much she knows about the science of being gay. I can't go and search it for her on google. She has to do it herself but that doesn't have anything to do with her anyway, so I doubt that she has even searched (deeply, if at all) on the science of being gay. There are intelligent people out there who still believe all the gay stereotypes and still dismiss any research on the cause of homosexuality as pseudoscience (my mom included). I really want to tell her that it is not her fault. I've been planning it in my head on how I'm going to lead up to the official coming out. I first, plan to do it all over the phone (so there is no surprise attack because my sister can be physical at times and has low patience). The first thing I plan to say is "I have something to tell you," and then right after that tell her it's not her fault, which she would then reply "It's not my fault about what?" before I officially come out but I'm scared that after hearing "gay" that will set off an alarm in her and she'll yell and hang up before hearing the rest of what I have to say which is telling her about the science of being gay and how religious people misinterpret the bible on being gay. Sometimes, I think she is anti-gay and religious and other times she seems like an agnostic who cares about gays deep down and her whole religiousness is just a front. She has questioned a lot of religious concepts, just like I have not to mention she watches A LOT of MTV & E! so she sees a lot of gays on TV. She even would watch Pretty Little Liars a lot which has a lesbian character in it. She even used to go out of her way to watch 1 Girl 5 Gays, which a homophobe wouldn't stand for 5 seconds. I feel like she sees how harmless we are and she sympathizes, but she is still wrestling with the anti-gay brainwashing of religion. I don't even know if she is serious about the Christanity thing. I was concerned at first because she was baptized by an anti-gay pastor who had a totally anti-gay sermon, but she STILL watches these shows and doesn't even go to church often after she got baptized and listens to "secular" music. Either way, I know that my being gay shouldn't even be a surprise to her. She caught me downloading gay porn videos on Limewire before when I didn't have a password on my file. I lied out of fear and said that someone was sending me it by accident, but I don't know if she believed me. She was surprisingly calm and said she won't tell my parents that I have gay porn on my file but that she never wanted to see that again. It's been six years after that incident but she does still talk to me and seems like she wants to start a conversation with me every now and then. I sometimes question whether my mom knows I'm gay. Before I went to live in campus, my mom gave me a whole speech on how being gay is a sin. I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD HER YET that I'm gay. But out of fear, I pretended to be disgusted and offended that she was telling me all this like I was gay. I don't even know if I should come out anymore. I want to educate my sister on this topic SO BAD, it hurts but I don't know what her reaction will be. What if she tells my parents and they kick me out and cut financial support from me? I've only just begun university so I can't afford to have no support now. I don't know if I'm gonna have to wait but waiting is killing me inside. I even worry sometimes that they're going to figure it out anyway before I'm financially independant because I haven't brought a girlfriend home and I'm 21 and I don't plan on bringing one home anytime soon. Can anyone offer any advice?
