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An Empty Life

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RedZeppelin, Oct 5, 2014.

  1. RedZeppelin

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    So I'm a 21 years old guy, I live by myself, work a boring full time job, and, for the first time in my life, I'm starting to accept the face that I'm bisexual. And its killing me inside.

    Ive never told anyone, not even my best friend, who is probably the only friend I have. I go to work 5 or 6 days a week, and if I'm not at work, I shut myself in my apartment, waiting for something to happen, but nothing ever does. I rarely talk to my family, or anyone anymore, usually don't answer my phone.

    My urges toward other guys are in my mind more and more every day, but Iv'e never been able to act on them. Iv'e never slept with or even kissed another guy, even though its what I want more than anything else. But Ive read about people regretting random sexual encounters and hating themselves for it, so I don't want to get on a social website just to find a random hookup.

    I started feeling attracted toward other guys when I was about 13, and for a while I just used porn as my outlet for my gay urges. But I thought it was wrong more and more every time I did it. I didn't look at gay porn for several years, and just tried to keep my mind on girls. I lost my virginity to a girl(a pretty hot one too) when I was 18, and thought everything would be fine then, but the thoughts never really went away. I just pushed them away.

    Ive only slept with two women, and no guys, as I said before. I hid my urges away for 2 years, and wouldn't masturbate to gay porn, but about a year ago my gay desires started coming back, and I cant get them to go away anymore. They fill my mind day and night, but I feel like theres nothing I can do about it. I stopped trying to date girls, because even though I'm still attracted to girls too, its not what I want right now. I just want to open myself up to another guy.

    But I don't, cant, wont, I don't know anymore. I'm so tired of being alone, even though my isolation is self imposed. Day after day after day, it feels like one long, endless sob story. It makes me want to cry, but feel like I have less and less emotion, and almost care about nothing anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like this, and holding all of these secrets inside.

    I just want someone laying next to me in bed at night. I want someone I can tell anything too. I want to know what being in love feels like.
     
  2. Gravity

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    If you know it's self imposed, then looking for outlets and people to meet is going to be important for you - and coming to EC is a good first step. :slight_smile: I know the urge is to fix everything right away, but this is a good first step. So...welcome to the site!
     
  3. RedZeppelin

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    I know this is a broad question, but does anybody know a good way too meet guys without seeming like I just want casual sex?
     
  4. wolfy1

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    well, it depends. do you want a relationship, or a friendship?

    if you want a relationship then maybe try online dating. most people on there are probably serious about a relationship, and are not just looking for a one night stand or anything.

    as for a friendship.. well sadly i cant help you there. im still trying to figure that one out. maybe you can go to a pride festival or join a lgbt group? just a few thoughts.
     
  5. robotman

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    Wow... You feel alot like how I feel especially the parts I put in bold but we do have some differences, like my best friend is no longer talking to me for no reason, they just randomly stopped answering my texts or answering my calls and they haven't called/texted me in ages, also I am no longer working and finally I am gay not bisexual but apart from those things you feel pretty much like me.

    I don't know what to say to you apart from what I say to myself, just try and hope that something will eventually happen... I wish that I knew you in real life we would probably connect really well... If you ever want to talk please message me.
     
  6. mbanema

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    Wow. I could have written this myself.
     
  7. Gambit

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    Well, it would be important for you to go out and start meeting people, it's the only way. I know it's hard, I'm going through the same situation myself. I used to go out with friends, but then decided to stop hanging out with them because I was tired of pretending to be straight, liking girls, making up stories of why I'm single, etc. So, more than a couple of years now I have isolated myself from society. A few months back, I decided I wanted to get out of that lonely, depressing situation. At first, like you, I just sat in my apartment waiting for something to happen, something that would break the monotony. Nothing happened. It's a vicious cycle, I don't go out because I have no friends, I have no friends because I don't go out. I then realized that it depends up on me to break this pattern. First, I noted to meet new people, people who will not know me and with whom I could be truly honest from the start. Luckily, thanks to the internet, it's easier than ever to start meeting people. There is a very popular website (not a dating site), that would help you find groups and clubs in your area of pretty much anything. They have LGBT clubs too. They are great for meeting both straight and LGBT people. Message me if you want their link, I'm not sure if it's permitted to post such things here. Secondly, dating sites are okay too. Not every guy in there is after a hook up. Just make it clear when you make your profile that you are interested in friendship or a relationship. Finally, your town/city may have an LGBT center. Personally I haven't been to the one we have here where I live, but many people have told me it's a great way to get to meet other LGBT fellows.

    Good luck,
     
  8. RedZeppelin

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    well, thanks for all of your guys support, it really helps
     
  9. MisterTinkles

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    Well, from a psychology standpoint (and I am no "professional"), you have done this to yourself. There are PLENTY of things out there in the big world to keep you busy, including making friends.

    Who gives a shit if you are "bi"???? Huh? That has nothing to do with the person you ARE. That is just a sexual preference, which is nobody elses business but yours.

    Locking yourself away in your apartment isn't going to make you friends, or "get your face out there" in public, so everybody has a chance to meet you, talk to you, or bump into you.

    I too, have a boring job, and come home to a boring apartment, and an empty, boring life. But that is my CHOICE. If I blame anyone for it, I can only blame myself.

    Get you a hobby that requires you to go to a group outside of home and work. Get a volunteer position on your days off. Take a class in school to learn to do something....anything that you might be interested in. Get a part time job on your days off. Join some social groups that require you to be physically in a room with other people -- there are tons of different social groups out there -- museums, music, art, movies, books, anime, toons, scifi, pets, vehicles, etc.....

    Just getting out there and meeting people is hard enough. Locking yourself inside will just drive yourself crazy.

    There are clubs, social events, and organizations for "bisexual" people to join. You can make friends, talk to people, etc. Nobody says you HAVE to have sex with anyone. Dont feel obligated to anyone you dont think you wouldn't like to be with.

    That goes for anyone you meet anywhere.

    Get outside, walk a mall, ride a bike, take a long walk........just dont sit there.
     
  10. VanityInSanity

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    Seriously?
    And here I sit in front of my computer feeling like I'm the only one in the entire world who have these feelings and thoughts. It's almost like you're speaking for me too! :eek:
    However, in my case, I guess I've "always" known I liked guys and has been in denial my entire childhood. I guess these feelings have been unconsiously eating me inside as I've gotten more and more shy and depressed over the years. So unlike you I've never actually had a girlfriend...and barely any friends in that matter. I lock myself in the house and barely get any contact with the outside world. I think that just like you, I'm creating this endless circle of loneliness which only keeps eating me inside. I don't think it's even possible for me to get a job or study in my state, since I'm just so tired of everything.

    However, after all these years of denial and bottling up my feelings I eventually went to get help, and have since then gone to a therapist weekly. I guess because of that I've learned a lot of things about myself. For example, I found out I'm suffering from low self-esteem, I'm actually kind of intellectual and I'm over-analyzing everything. But most of all, I guess I've at some part of my mind accepted that I'm gay. However, that does not mean I'm ready to come out! Stupid, huh? :bang:

    What I'm saying is that perhaps you need someone to talk to, maybe a proffesional therapist or someone you think you can relate to. Because it seems to me that you have A LOT of things bottling up inside you, just like I had a year back.
    All this denial, secrets and longing you're feeling will keep building up until you can't take it anymore...and you'll burst (not in a good way).

    You know what? I would love to speak more with you since you seem so relatable to me, and (perhaps) also because I'm feeling lonely and want to feel love. But it's entirely up to you if you want to talk... and also because I don't have the confidence to add you myself. :icon_redf

    But just know that help will be there for you as long as you search for it, just like you've done today. So keep searching and struggle, because you will one day get the help you need and the love you so much longed for. Just like I'm doing right now! :thumbsup:
     
    #10 VanityInSanity, Oct 6, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2014
  11. oscarneedslove

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    this is exactly a summary of mylife :icon_sad:
     
  12. RedZeppelin

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    i would love to message some of you guys more, i just have to make 10 posts first. its very reassuring knowing there are so many people who can relate to me so much