I am in my 20's. I have never dated neither a male or female. I have been thinking about this throughout my whole life. I am starting to come to terms that I may be gay. I say this because I do not get turned on by girls and much prefer looking at men's bodies... Although when thinking of actually being with a man, I feel like I would not like it and can't even imagine myself in that situation... Since my teenage years my confidence has gone very downhill. I now have social anxiety and fear talking to other people. This is mainly to the fact that I was bullied. I was bullied because of being overweight, for the fact that me and my parents are immigrants, and also being called gay. I always took these to heart and these comments have turned me into what I am today, a person with no self confidence. I am still overweight, which I hate. I have a voice that I hate, as it does sound a bit gay. I find that I am an uninteresting person, I can't socialise with people, I never know what to say. I have recently moved to a small place where I have lived previously when I was younger and started working, and find myself constantly nervous, I hate talking to people. I fear the other men at work, because I don't know what to say and talk about, it don't like sports and don't like talking about women. I've never had male friends because of this. All my friends at school and university were females, I just feel I can get on better with them and don't feel so pressured/judged. My life is a misery as I always think about what other people will think of me. I hate answering phone calls because the other person may think that I am gay because of my voice. I don't go to he gym because I am not a strong person and other men may make fun of me. I don't run outside so that's am not seen by anyone. I could go on and on. But basically I feel like i have to find a way to accept myself, gain confidence and be myself. I think this, but am not able to put it into practice.
ricky 999 hello and welcome to EC , its OK to be confused I too have trouble talking to people and I don't have but 2 or 3 friends that's OK to As far as the overweight thing who cares I am fat ! To tell you the truth I just realized in the last few weeks that there are a lot of people men and women that are chubby chasers I always thought people were just staring and making fun of me and no I am thinking that maybe there were not . If you believe in your self and say I can do anything I want you will get more confidence and start to feel great . Sorry I will get off the soap box lol . You will come to terms with your sexuality when you are ready to don't try to rush things I know you will do great !!! So if you ever need to talk just let me know OK
Why are you talking about me?! Do you know me? Jokes aside, we're almost in the EXACT same position and situation right now. I've also just recently began accepting that I am gay. To be honest, I've always been looking at other men but always denied myself and told myself it was just a "phase". The truth is, I always knew, I just didn't want to accept it. Because of this denial, it caused me to keep faking how I really felt and hid my feelings. I guess this took it's toll on my mental state and I kept getting more and more shy, reserved and shameful. Doesn't help that I was bullied in lower school because of my size either. In my situation it was because I was smaller than the rest and Asian. All of these things accumulated and I began doubting myself and even started hating myself. It all became a vicious circle and I became more and more depressed each day. I had no friends to talk to since I was so shy and avoided everyone nor could I tell my family about my feelings since I was gay. Unlike you I've been avoiding every social interaction because of the fear that they'll find out I'm shy, lonely or gay. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore so I contacted the school nurse and have since then been in therapy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, I guess I just really wanted a change. Just like you want too, I'm sure of it. Since then I've learned a lot about myself, for example I'm introverted, I'm intellectual and that I'm suffering from low self-esteem. But the most important thing I've gained from the sessions are the fact that I've somewhat accepted my sexuality. However, that does NOT mean I'm ready to come out yet! :eusa_doh: What I'm trying to tell you is that you might be just like me. You're shy/a loner which means you're not really that good at social interactions, you're an intellectual which makes you over-think and over-analyze everything, only making it more complicated, and you suffer from low self-esteem which makes you hate yourself and look down on yourself in every way. Pehaps what you really need right now is someone to talk to. Someone that you can pour your heart out to and will not judge you in any way. Try finding a counselor, therapist or join a LGBT group. They are the perfect listeners and most likely to understand you. Of course, this may not be the perfect way to help you, since I'm only speaking from my own experiences. Just know that as long as you look for help, there will be help for you. Just like you've desperately taken your time to contact us, we will reply and help you in any way possible. Even if you're at your lowest point right now, just remember that as long as you never stop looking for a change, anything is a possibility. Drag yourself out of your bed and keep looking at the floor as you walk, as long as you keep going forward. And if things get too much, just come back here and pour your heart out because we will always be here and listen!
Hank you both for your replies. It really helps to read about other peoples experiences. I know I should think better of myself but it is just so hard/impossible. I don't know how to not let other peoples thoughts get to me. It is a constant in my mind that limits my life so much.
Hey ricky999, welcome to EC! There was a very interesting study done recently with female anorexics. Turns out they would enter through a doorway sideways because they had this conception in their mind that they were bigger than the width of the door. Body image is a powerful thing, it affects how we perceive ourselves. Try this: look in the mirror and describe in detail, speaking out loud, your body to yourself, however, avoid pejoratives, describe your belly, your arms your legs in neutral terms. For example, this part is rounder or shorter or taller, etc. In addition, instead of using "I am" talk about yourself in the third person, so: "[your name] has clear skin, here, and there, etc." The goal is for you to get an accurate picture in your mind of what your body really is like, second, you may find things you actually like about your body...and finally, liking/loving yourself is the first requirement to having loving relationships.
Don't worry! I've been in therapy for almost a year now and I still can't accept myself and love myself. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and the only thing I can see is ugliness and depression. You really can't start loving yourself just suddenly. It takes effort and time, which some of us don't have. However, because of the therapy I HAVE learned a few things about myself that I've become proud of. Although not all of those things may be positive, at least it's something that makes me feel unique. For example, the fact that I'm an Intellectual makes me so observant of my surroundings. I can usually tell you every detail of a movie or vaguely feel what other people's feeling. Sadly enough, being an intellectual makes me over-think and over-analyze everything. So it may not always be a good thing. The thing is, you said you want to practice being confident, accept yourself and just be who you are. But you can't do that unless you start opening youself up. Everyone need a little bit of alone time, but sometimes you need someone else that you can discuss your thoughts and feelings with. So I'll once again tell you to find someone you can speak with. May it be a parent, therapist or online friends. It doesn't matter who. You just need someone that you can open up to. Opening up will relieve the stress and make your mind much calmer. A calm mind can much easier push away negative thoughts than a stressed mind. Don't think so much about your situation and your future now. Right now you should focus on finding positive support and help. Fuck everything else!
Hey Ricky, I think I may have some advice/words you would love to hear. Our backgrounds are insanely similar, from being sports disinterested, I do have one slight advantage, I absolutely loved theatre, so I was able to bullshit away the social anxiety (it was there, but no one could tell but me). Anyway, on the confidence building, as someone who at his heaviest, was over 150lbs of my ideal body weight, and have collapsed that number drastically...the confidence you gain is insane. Are you ready for this? I lost 60lbs in 3 months without ever going to the gym or going outside. I did some simple body weight circuits, and movement in place cardio for my exercises. The drastic changes were diet, but after two weeks they weren't bad, and have become my norm for eating. *I can't stand processed sugar now, and it helps when you are doing this to build a mentality of "It tastes good for a few seconds, but looking and feeling good lasts as long as you strive for it". I would be happy to go more in depth with the exercises and diet needs with you if you would like. This is coming from someone that lives in a town of 4000 people and eating options are slim as is, so please, hit me up if you would like, would be happy to help!
Thank you GewfyGlenn for your post. Please do share your exercises and diet. I would like to give that a go.
Posted it on your wall, feel free to ask me any questions you may have (I am no expert, but I am certainly happy to share my personal experiences)
Thank you. Will try to try this out. Would love to just learn to like me the way I am and have some self respect...
Hey Ricky From what I have read you have been given some great advice by different ppl who know how you feel and you should definitely listen to them. Trust me things could be a lot worse, you could go down the route I chose many years ago to repress how I felt for other guys by forcing myself into relationships with women to feel normal and accepted. When this didn't work I had nobody to turn too as friends and fam are not what I'd describe as understanding or accepting I'd turn to drink to nullify the pain (and I still do) as i just force myself to carry on living to conform to society. Xx
