Well, its been a few months-Update!

Hi Guys:

Its been a few months since I posted I have learned quite a bit about myself. I joined front runners about 5 months and I have decided to no longer go any longer. I am 28 years old and while most of the guys area little older, usually between 40-45. That was never the problem. I know front runners is a gay running group, but what it became something that I didn't want it to be. For the most part, everything was always sexual talk, social gatherings were always with other gays. No straight people. And while I do comment at times who I think this cute, attractive, good looking etc. These men crossed the line. And while they were not "clicky(sp)"with me, they were to others. I got to be blunt and not trying to be mean, but a lot of misfits, and lost souls in my opinion. Even the few people who I did like said that at one time the group had 20-25, people. They were lucky is get 8 people on a Saturday and 5 on Tuesdays. They said most people HAD ENOUGH! And so did I

I have mentioned in the past I struggle quite a bit with OCD, and also BDD(body dysmorphic disorder). Its on the OCD spectrum. And being around them really increased my anxiety, and symptoms. My stuttering has always been a nervous one, but over the last few months it became crippling at times. I think at times while hanging with these guys I forgot what is important, and being "hot" or "handsome" is not the most important thing. It seems like none of these want to move past it or never will.

And while I kid and joke around about things. Sometimes some of the guys crossed the line with what is appropriate to the point of being creepy. There was one kind in particular who asked me on a weekly basis if I am wearing underwear or even at one of the cookouts, he asked me why my inner thighs are not tan. It was just strange. I think what also frightened me some was one of the guys in the group had full blown aids and he seemed to be pursuing me. I was never interested, but I think he was. He never told me, but a few guys in the group let me know and told me to be careful.

On some good notes. I am pretty much working close to full time now. I am working for a family who has a family who has a mildly autistic son, I am also doing babysitting on a regular basis for a few other famlies. I am also doing some home health care work and volunteering at animal shelter one day a week. Its not exactly where I want to be, but its better then what I was doing before, nothing.

And for my running I have accomplished quite a bit. I have done 10, some 5k and some 10ks races. I have placed first in my age bracket in 7. And have placed 3rd overall recently in a 10k and a 5k. My 10k was 39:37. And my 5k was 18:07. So 9/10 I am doing a half marathon this weekend. A little nervous.

I am in therapy and take medication, nothing seems to be helping lately. I have this fear that I am not big enough. But I don't want to be either. Its more an irrational fear that my face is "too thin" when deep down I know it is not. And although most of my feedback about my apperance is mostly very positive, sometimes people have made comments in "jest" like I am "skin and bones" when I am not, and I seem to fall apart when people makes references to being "too thin" or say stuff like that, when I think I am just right. I am 5'10" 150-155 and athletic. But I seem to rexamine and find ways why this can not be right. Maybe I just need to give myself a break. And maybe a change in meds will help. But I have been torturing myself for 6 months straight, and going over it for 14-16 hours a day. I was stressing myself out badly, and I may have mentioned this in a post a few months ago, that I got a stress ulcer, and it ruputered, and had MAJOR SURGERY in July.

I will say this. I see how some people are in the gay community and while I may my issues(and I do). I am a lot more put together, than many of these guys.

And in truth. I do not need to go to gay bars(hate them) or be in front runners or on a gay bowling league, or gay volleyball, or softball to be gay. I can go with my regular running group, who are actually much more pleasant, and I have fun. In fact at times I talk about my sexuality here and there, and they are truly compassionate and kind people. I will say Pflagg is still a great support system though, you will not find anything better.

And I am going to be a cynic, some of the things I have experienced int he last 5 months is why gay men sometimes get a bad rap.

I wish I could give myself a break about my physical apperance and weight. I am happy, its when I hear someone else who is not happy with the way I look, I fall apart/shut down. I think in many ways my worries became triggered by some of the guys from front runners.

Thanks for letting share/vent. Keep rooting for me

Justin