Well, I don't really want to start another 'Confused with Questions' thread... but the fact is, that's exactly how I feel. After reading over some of the posts on the site, I think I'm somewhere in Stage 1-3 of the Coming Out post. Basically, I don't feel like I really know myself. I'm 22 and in university and have only recently noticed/acknowledged my attract to other guys. However, this has created some confusion. A lot of the people here state that they have known that they were gay since they were 9, 14, or something like that. I, however, did not and spent most of my high school in and out of some short-term relationships with girls. But my high school was pretty accepting. There were a few kids that I knew of that were quite open about their orientation and at our graduation formal, a couple showed up without there being any complaints or scene. I don't think it was a bad environment for people who didn't fit into the norm. Thinking back, I did notice other guys but I didn't really thing anything about it. I thought that I was young and it was normal for a teenage guy to have strange urges. In first year, I eventually met a guy and we hooked up for a bit. However, he was the first person I had known and I was really confused, anxious and little scared about the whole dating another guy thing and ended the relationship abruptly. I talked to mom and a few people who said that it was normal in university to experiment in things that that it was probably just a phase. However, it's been three years and I don't think that phases last that long. Last year I approached a good friend of mine and talked to her about it. Basically, I told her I thought that I was bi but wasn't sure. A month or so later I told my sister. Since then I have been more conscious of guys but I really don't know where I fit. I know labels are meaningless, but the posts that I have read suggest that people somehow inherently know their orientation. This is compounded by the fact that I've never identified myself as gay or bi and had always felt that I would just find the perfect girl, get married and have the prerequisite 2.5 children. Now I don't know. I'm pretty sure that I'm not straight but beyond that, I have no idea. Anyway, I don't want this to sound whiny or self loathing. I'm just really confused and not entirely sure what to do. Sometimes I feel like my life has been an entire 'straight lie' other times I feel like I'm trying to make myself to be 'gay' or bi (as ridiculous as that sounds). Basically, I want to know how people know what they are? Is it possible for someone to not notice until they are older? What then?
I'm kind of like you while I always knew I was different I didn't know how until I was older I know you are different in that aspect still today I don't know what to call myself but since the closest thing I can relate to is being bi I call myself that because in this world people expect you to have a label which sucks it shouldn't be like that but it is so while I could call myself a lesbian I can't really because I do find myself attracted to a guy once in a while is it enough that I would want to have a relationship with him probably not but the basic point is orientation is a crazy thing that sometimes takes years to figure out but its something that you have to figure out for yourself I could sit here and ask you the standard questions but you might not be able to answer them right now and it probably wouldn't help you figure out what to label yourself. well ok I'll ask you one can you see yourself in a relationship with a guy? a girl? both? its a confusing thing but I wish you the best of luck! Sam
I'm feeling almost exactly the same way right now. I've always been 'straight', up until extremely recently. I just can't see myself as bi right now, and I still identify as 'straight', even with my new attraction to girls. Sadly, I'm just as confused as you are and have no idea what to do with myself. v.v So I can't really offer any advice. I'm just glad there's someone else feeling what I'm feeling too, and I hope you can find yourself through this.
Wow, you stole that right out of my head! Heh. I can totally identify with your post. I've only been aware of my bisexual tendencies for about two years now, and it's only been in these past few months that I've come to terms with the fact that it's not a phase, fluke or disorder...it's a part of who I am, and I need to accept that. However, I've never been in any kind of relationship before, and sometimes, I get this feeling like maybe I'm somehow lying to myself. Someone here said something very inspiring to me, which you might have read: "But basically, it's as simple as you would not be here talking about how you're into guys if you weren't actually into guys. And you wouldn't be relating to all the stories here if you were straight. And basically we wouldn't be having this conversation unless you were gay. So if you need "empirical" evidence, it's all right on your screen." - Joey Connick, taken from this thread. In response to your question (or in the very least, the only way I can answer it), I call myself bisexual not because I know exactly what I'm attracted to, but because my natural reaction is to totally reject this new attraction that goes against my upbringing, and adopting this label really helps me to be more comfortable with myself.
I empathesize completely. I know that I like girls (THAT part I have known for a long while), but at the same time, I DO notice guys sometimes. I have gone out with guys, but I can't really figure out whether it is a sort of convience/social norm/comfort level. So I guess, I am not questioning whether I am lesbian, I am questioning whether I am "Bi but a little more lesbian." You asked how people know what they are? I am not sure that I will ever know. I wish... But I completely understand the "trying to make myself to be 'gay' or bi" thing.
It's actually really comforting to know that there are others 'in the same boat', so to speak. I've used the same reasoning that you've mentioned, Steam Giant, but I find that it doesn't help a whole lot. It's the reason that I think that I'm not-straight but it's not something that I feel I can't really use when talking to somone. In first year of university, when I had first met the guy, I was talking to my mother because I was confused (and we have a pretty open relationship, so I wasn't worried about any serious problems on that front). She actually said to give it a try, but added that it's only a phase. When I suggested that it might not be, she asked 'how do you know' and I really didn't have any answer. I don't feel that my internet surfing really constitutes a solid explanation. I've tried the 'coming out' to some people and it hasn't really cleared things. It's been a year since I've told my sister and friend and I feel I'm still in the same position I was back then. To answer the previous quesiton, I can see myself in a relationship with a girl. I think they were only short term in high school because I had a lack of confidence and nothing else really. I say that, however, sometimes I wonder if the high standards I set is just an excuse to not date girls. But anyway, yeah I can see that. I can't (and couldn't) really see myself in a relationship with a guy. I feel a little bad for the guy I met, because he was completely out and looking for a serious relationship. I'm not going to lie, I was really scared during that time. It wasn't from any perceived threat or anything (my campus is pretty open and I feel I can take care of myself). I just never thought of myself before as being in anything that was a straight relationship and it felt like I was trying to be someone that I wasn't. I also didn't want my friends to know either. I would like to say I could see myself in a relationship with a guy, but it still seems a little weird. But all of you have helped dispell the thought that people always know at an early age. I'm thinking this is something I'm going to have to talk more about, I've been kind of avoiding it. Whenever my friend brings it up, I usually give a short answer then change the subject. Thanks for the responses.
KevinM, I like the way you put that "trying to make myself 'gay' or bi." Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to make myself gay. I know I am not attracted to males, but I guess I wonder if a female can really be attracted to another female. My struggle is more between being lesbian or asexual, which I guess is a little unusual. But I'm just not attracted to a whole lot of females, so sometimes I wonder. Sometimes the whole idea of being attracted to another female seems unreal, or more like some sort of dream that could never actually happen. (Hope that made sense). I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I've known since I was young that I was different, but in terms of really knowing, well I wasn't aware of my confusion until a couple years ago and I still struggle with it. I'm thinking its going to be a life-long struggle. Anyways, good luck and welcome to EC.
There is really no actual way to know, you just know if you are or not. Its not black and white so its more complicated.
Hi KevinM It is perfectly normal to be confused about your sexuality. For some of us (who don’t fit into the pre-shaped heterosexual boxes), it can take many years of soul-searching to find out where we really fit. It took me the better part of 40 years to figure it out :icon_redf :. There are many stories in the “coming out” section about folks who got married and raised families before they realized that they were “living a heterosexual lie”, just as you mentioned how you sometimes feel. A lot of the answers about our sexual orientation don’t become apparent until we begin asking the right questions about ourselves, what we really feel, what turns us on, how our mind and body reacts to people and situations. Sometimes the answers are right in front of us but we fail to see or accept them because of internalized homophobia, religious beliefs, and our own desire to be “normal” (get married and have kids). I think my worst phase of self-discovery was when I was beginning to believe that I was asexual (not that being asexual is negative). I had already concluded that I wasn’t into females. Being gay was ruled out by my fine Catholic upbringing. That didn’t leave much else. The process of attempting to define my sexual orientation took a good 2 or 3 years, filled with confusion, anxiety, doubt, extensive research, and lots of frustration:bang: . I had the overwhelming desire to fit in somewhere. That may explain your own desire to “make yourself gay or bi”. Thankfully, the day did come about 15 months ago when I finally realized that I’m gay(!) . Becoming comfortable with the idea took another month. From there, it’s been close to heaven, knowing where I fit in, and getting the love and affection I missed for so long, At 22, with about 3 years of knowing that you’re not just going through a phase, consider yourself to be making good progress . You’re starting to ask the right questions and you’ve concluded that you are probably not straight “straight”. It may take a few more years before you know for sure but the day will come. When it finally does, it can be one of the most beautiful discoveries you’ll ever make, provided you are able to accept yourself. Take your time (but don’t wait 40 years) and consider all of the possibilities. None of this stuff is black and white. You might be on the far left or far right of the scale, or somewhere shifting in the middle. There are plenty of resources for every orientation, both here at EC, and all over the web. Make it your personal research project and I’m pretty sure you’ll find out where you fit in. Until then, you’ll have to suffer with a bit of confusion. Good luck and keep us posted . Others can learn from your experience.
I'm one of those people that Lorenz refers to... while there were signs (pretty obvious ones), I just NEVER contemplated the fact that I could be anything other than straight. I wasn't super attracted to girls growing up, but didn't conciously recognize an attraction to guys either. So, I got married, had kids, and only in my early 30s did I start to feel like something wasn't right. At first it was just an increasing level of depression, but eventually started to recognize the 'urges' and started to act out on them. (Read some of my other postings to learn more about my story - or PM me.) I've now accepted the fact that I'm bisexual - and leaning to the gay side rather than the straight side - but I'm not worried about being any more clear than this. Just coming to this realization has made me feel better about myself than I think I ever have before. This is something that will take time, but like Lorenz, I think you're doing well to be as aware as you are at your age. And to be able to have that kind of open discussion with your mom is super! Good luck, and lean on all of us in here for support and advice going forward.
Well, the thing is your sexuality is fluid. We think you are born one way and thats it. The truth is your interests change, your preference changes. I used to be straight, but just after high school I realised I was bi. Now that I know what pansexual is, I think that describes it better. As far as the spectrum goes, Im going from sexually attracted more to the masculine, to more attracted to the feminine. In the end, the only thing that matters is being true to yourself and not your arbritrary label.
