Hi So a few days ago I went to my first LGBT event, a casual evening event. (A Little Info on me: In the past, if asked, would've said I was Bisexual as I always felt it was better to be open to love from all angles, but I was, to use Kinsey terms, only incidentally interested in people who identify as female. However, this all changed with getting a proper boyfriend last fall which started a process by which over the summer I realised I was a lesbian.) At the event I enjoyed making friends and spending time with people I felt understood how I have come to feel. I should add there was no 'defining' at the event of gender or sexuality, so I didn't actually 'come out' to people- which I haven't properly done yet- I have only said 'I think I might be gay' not 'I am gay'. However, I did find myself a bit uncomfortable, particularly when this girl became interested in a conversation with me. There was no overt flirting I would say, just being friendly and chatty. I flit between being excellent with eye contact and terrible when I am revealing emotional things. I wasn't being emotional with her, but I found it really difficult to keep looking into her eyes. I found her quite attractive, but tbh I was speaking to her because another girl nearby I found very attractive and therefore couldn't speak to. I feel slightly like I am being really stupid. Like this is how people feel when they are a teenager and haven't ever talked to their preferred sex/es. But I have never had that feeling before in a context where I might potentially become involved with someone. I realise that a lot of my friends are male, although I have established more female friendships (which has surprisingly to me, been really nice) as I complete my current degree. I am not uncomfortable talking to males and if I am honest I think I found flirting or being flirty with them quite easy, as with being a bit flirty with my female friends. So I wonder why I found it awkward at the event? It made me concerned that I was wrong in believing I am a lesbian, even though in the last week I finally felt like I was becoming sure. And yet, another part of me thinks that this might be the normal way that lots of people react to people of a gender/s they find attractive. Was it being so easy with men really a sign that I never expected or properly wanted to engage with them beyond flirting or perhaps a kiss. I currently cannot even imagine kissing a guy. My process of coming out to myself hasn't really been 'realising I was gay all along'. In fact my sexual interests, more than my romantic interests, seem to have changed completely from the type of man I liked as a teenager into the type of woman I like now. But when I think about it my attraction to men might have just been an imaginary and fantasy one, because when I came to physically and sexually engage with men it never felt right. Summary: Is feeling awkward around women a natural sign that I am attracted to them? I just feel a bit old for all that. And I was hoping the LGBT event would feel more 'right' and not freak me out about asking girls out or dating them. Any help so much appreciated. If you got to the end of the post I salute you.
Alais, I think you feel this way because it is all new to you. =) It might be overwhelming, your first LGBT event, it's not something you've done before, so it could make you feel uncomfortable. All of a sudden, other girls notice you (you get attention), if this has not happened before, you can (again) feel uncomfortable. It's a new feeling you have yet to comprehend. :icon_bigg You are not too old. =] And some people get nervous in general, some people only get nervous because of certain people, it's all possible. You shouldn't worry about that too much. Just go with the feelings and see what happens, what feels right and what does not feel right. (*hug*) This being said, I should say that some people don't like LGBT events (at all), that's also a possibility.
Thanks, Quem. I guess it really is new, to be honest I was always blind to male attention when I believed I was exclusively into them, so I guess being hyperaware of the context of an LGBT event is a bit daunting, compared to say in class or something. Could I ask have you had personal experience with not liking LGBT events? Whilst I have been active online a while with these things, I am pretty clueless with the LGBT community offline.
I have not been to an LGBT event yet. =) While I do like the idea of attending one, I don't have anyone to go with and I'm not planning to go by myself. I don't like to attend an event by myself, I like to go with someone to talk to before the event and preferably also after the event. But that's me. I have heard of some people not liking LGBT events (especially prides). Some say it's not their cup of tea, feeling they don't fit in and others find it too confronting (which I can imagine if the person is not out for a long time). I'm not sure if I would like it, I might fit in, I might not. I don't know that yet. :icon_bigg
Fair- I understand your point of view (joys of being an empath, I get everyone but me ) I find even in societies or things related to hobbies, I can often find group gatherings aren't how I enjoy whatever it is a like; and this is rather more fundamental. I am going to go back, I feel like I have to make a go of it if possible. If mentally possible. NB. I mean it is great that you share an understanding of sexuality and perhaps gender identity with people at an LGBT event. But that's not really to say they will be 'people like you' at all. As if somehow being LGBT we should somehow all like each other.
I think it was the general nerves of taking that big step. I've yet to attend a LGBT event and not sure I wanna...rainbows aren't really my thing lol. Of course I know not all events are like that and I'm stereotyping majorly, but right now that's kinda how I see such events. It'd be a rather intimidating experience and one I wouldn't wanna do alone. So my hats off to ya. The idea that since we have this one thing in common so we should be best friends isn't exclusive to the LGBT community. As a person in a wheelchair I am often encouraged to go say hi to this or that person simply cause they too are in a wheelchair...its a ludicrous idea.
I don't usually like group gatherings that much either. I usually stick to a selected group of people, just a few. I prefer to know people really well. And you are absolutely right about that. Because others are LGBT, doesn't make them like you. Sure, they can relate, but that doesn't mean anything. Just because you can relate to one aspect, doesn't make you fit in necessarily, like you say. I'm sure, if I go to an LGBT event, I expect a lot of things. I know I don't have to fit in, but it would be something I hope for. And I can imagine, when that doesn't happen completely, I would feel uncomfortable as well. =]
I must say I did drag along my friend for the first half an hour and then we separated. I think I was surprised at how unusual it all felt. But I guess its that social anxiety of anything where you stand there thinking everyone is collected and you are a gibbering idiot- in fact just days before I had been playing guardian angel to some wee freshers who looked lost and was telling them the same thing. Can't take my own advice. Precisely, although I am no longer in a wheelchair, I can say I had this exact same experience when I was as a teenager. As if suddenly an intense friendship would form from an interest in wheel spokes, or the accessibility of public libraries.
A: I don't think it is unusual to feel uncomfortable at such an event. It is a different situation, you may not be sure of the responses that you get and even though everyone there would be Tribe, gay people do strange and silly things just as straight people do. However, more than likely you will find people who can relate to your experiences because theirs were very similar to yours. As the phrase goes: "You're not the first and you won't be the last.". You touched upon an oft misunderstood concept. That is: how gay relationships work. There has been a lot of misinformation put out that is very harmful to us. Gay relationships (and I'm speaking specifically about L's, G's and B's) are NOT just about sex. That is a piece of misinformation from the anti-gay constituency. Certainly sex is a PART of the relationship, we are after all human, but to assume that it is the dominant part is just not right. But, one way in which you marginalize a group is too reduce them to their genetalia. If people believe that we are, in fact, these sex-crazed creatures, it is very easy to discount us and not hear us.
Hey flatlander48, do you mean within the group I met there would be people with this experience? Or, were you speaking more generally. I am not sure how misconceptions about sex come into my experience. I wasn't thinking anything more or less sexual than with previous straight encounters or situations I have had. And when I think of a lesbian gay bisexual etc relationship I think of two people together. Like dating and going out or living together, not automatically their sexual habits. Perhaps you could clarify for the thread?
With a sufficiently sized group, I think the chances are reasonable that you would find someone with similar experiences. It is a common thought that we think that we are the only ones to have a particular thought, reaction or experience. The reality is that it just isn't true. It often helps to lift some of the burden when we realize that we're not alone. The second paragraph is more generalized. The underlying point is that with a lot of misinformation being strewn about, we can fall victim to agreeing with it and believing that it is true. We (gay people) are, in the main, decent and respectable human beings just like everyone else. Any suggestion otherwise nearly always has an agenda attached to it. What you described is the reality, but that is counter to what is seen in anti-gay propaganda. Remember that in the eyes of many, we are seen as diseased and that our relationships are suspect. Clearly that's not the case, but it is often the environment in which we find ourselves.
