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Not out but interested in a fem gay guy

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mlansing, Oct 15, 2014.

  1. mlansing

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    So in my program at my university there's this flamboyantly fem gay guy whom I actually find quite attractive. I'm masculine-acting and not even out to anyone much less myself (also never dated or been with a guy, only girls). I know he thinks I'm attractive too because he has been flirting with me hard core. Seems like I should go for it, right??? The only problem is that my department is very small and a hotbed of gossip, and I'm just afraid that anything I did with him could potentially spread like wildfire. I'm at a point where I'm open to experimenting, but not if it would lead to me being outed against my will. Any advice?
     
  2. doglover44

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    Go for it see what happens dont worry about what others think
     
  3. ChameleonSoul

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    Who cares about what everyone else thinks? You like him and he likes you. Go ahead and flirt back with him, you never know what'll come out of it.
     
  4. mlansing

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    Good advice, thanks guys.
     
  5. Gen

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    I am absolutely of the belief that you shouldn't care.

    With that being said, it couldn't hurt to explain to him that you are very new to all of this and aren't comfortable with everyone in the department knowing about a possible fling at the moment. Transparency is something that is best to strive for when we are ready to take the leap, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait a bit before taking that step. He should be able to respect that.
     
  6. jimL

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    My first love was with a guy that was very feminine. I also am very masculine and was not out yet. I was never attracted to fem guys but there was something about him that just drew me in, maybe it was his incredible beauty. It was an awesome relationship while it lasted (3 yrs.). I also was a little freaked out about being "found out." The interesting part is that he was the one that drew me out of my shell and talked me into coming out. The best, but most difficult thing I ever did in my life. Only you will know when it's time for you.

    And yes....I agree with the others it shouldn't matter what others think....but life sometimes is a little more complicated than that. All you can do is talk to this guy and let him know of your concerns and see what his reaction is. Good luck
     
  7. lb41974

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    mlansing if you like him and you are afraid what others will think you can always ask him to be discrete because you are not out yet but really want to get to know him I bet he will understand if he says no , who cares what others think as long as you are happy that's all that matters
     
  8. Snobird

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    Your in college, you are supposed to experiment in life. If you don't go for it you will look back with regret for the rest of your life. Worst case, you won't like it. Best case, you realize sex with men is soooo much better than with a woman.

    Also, most gay men are aware of what it is like to be in the closet. The last thing he would want is to our you.
     
  9. mlansing

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    I think that's what I'm feeling, too. I just want to tell him how beautiful I think he is....
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    I really have a thing for "fem" guys. Absolutely adorable!

    Go for it and tell him how beautiful he is. Strike a conversation, flirt a bit. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain (I know, a bit cliche but it's true).
     
  11. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi mlansing, welcome to EC

    I would describe myself as a regular masculine guy who was acquainted to and worked with fem gay guys in the theatre in the past. Whilst I was in the closet after discovering I’m gay rather late in life I could not ever have imagined being attracted to or finding a gay fem guy interesting because I thought they were too over the top.

    Since joining a support group for gay guys and watching gay dramas on the TV / Internet my view of fem guys has changed and I can now entertain the possibility of being attracted to one. My view was largely changed by watching a short sitcom about a professional baseball player and a stereotypical gay actor, the series is called Husbands Husbands (TV series) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia and can be found on YouTube. Now that I’m out I think for me this sitcom has opened my eyes to possibilities that I would never have considered whilst I was in the closet and still fighting internalised homophobia.

    I would say go for it and don’t worry about what others think unless it would put you in physical danger.

    Play safe and have fun discovering who you really are.

    SGG
     
  12. doglover44

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    Let us know how it goes
     
  13. GArchi1992

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    Go for it! Honestly, don't worry about what every one else thinks. It's your life, not theirs at the end of the day. And remember... The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

    Good luck and keep us all informed :slight_smile:
     
  14. mlansing

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    Thanks for the encouragement, guys. At this point I can't promise that anything will come of it, but I have definitely been flirting and trying to plant seeds of "hmm, why did he just say that? Is he into me?" Just today I saw him and he told me he saw this opera at his house and I said well next time invite me and he was like, why? (a good why, not an ewww why???). Oh, and I got his number :icon_wink
     
  15. lb41974

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    That's good that you got his number I hope it works out for you !!
     
  16. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    That's a great start
     
  17. wardrobeescaper

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    Go for it. They will gossip for a bit but within a couple of weeks they will get bored. Go ask him out and have fun!
     
  18. OnTheHighway

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    You got his number, he is obviously open, have fun and tell us how it goes (the PG version)!
     
  19. mlansing

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    So update.....it turns out he has a boyfriend (crap!), although I don't know how serious his relationship is (he just moved here like a few months ago, so how serious could it be?). Recently I was coming onto him really strong so he definitely knows I'm into him on some level....but my reputation in my school is that I'm a straight guy so he's probably thinking what's up with this dude? At any rate I of course can't blame him for not being available, but it just sucks because compared to other guys that I've been interested in in the past this one is EXTREMELY attainable, other than the fact that he has a boyfriend. He is clearly attracted to me too but then he holds himself back, which I totally respect if he's with someone else (such a catch-22).

    To make matters worse I feel like I've really fallen for him, because I think about him all the time and analyze every interaction we have. What's happened to me? I've gone from being this confident "straight" guy to being this middle school girl with a crush. Meanwhile there's an attractive blonde girl in my program who is highly interested in me and available and my old self is screaming at me to just get with her and live out your dream of having a beautiful family with a woman and just stop with all of this gay nonsense. I've already even gone out on a date with her so it feels like the wheels are in motion with her even if I'm not really feeling it that much (this happens to me all the time, btw). Why does everything have to feel SO COMPLICATED???? Makes me just want to give up on everything. Any advice? I could use some.

    ---------- Post added 12th Nov 2014 at 06:39 PM ----------

    Also I know this might sound dumb but a part of me is thinking get with this girl to make him jealous....
     
  20. Tardis2020

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    Getting with a girl won't make a gay guy jealous. It will make him think you're straight.