Bi or just curious? What are these feels?

So I think I'm bisexual. What now? I know this is a long post, but I pretty much poured my soul into it, so if you're in for a juicy story, give this one a read.

I've been bi curious for a little while, and that curiosity has just slowly been growing inside me more and more. I remember when my good friend back in high school told me that she was bi. I remember being so shocked, because she was always dating guys, and going through them like left socks. Then I remember thinking, "she must just have turned gay because she got sick of guys mistreating her." Oh, how the ignorance kills me now. A while later, I found out that I was actually the reason that she found out, when she caught herself checking out my calves in class one day (lolz). And you know how like, when you find out that someone is interested in you, it just plants this little seed of intrigue for them? Well I think that must have been where it started. :icon_wink

I went on to kiss many many girls at parties, but of course all of them were alcohol infused and never meant jack shit. But I do enjoy kissing girls, sober or not. Although, I was always confused about the concept of lesbian sex, I thought it was just girls rubbing their pussies together and that didn't seem very pleasurable (until I watched lesbian porn did this notion go away). I kissed my friend Emily one time because she was horny, and we promised we'd forget about it in the morning. She was a really good kisser. I can still feel her soft lips. That sounds weird when I say it. But damn that must mean something right? It keeps going. In college, there were a couple girls that I connected with that I felt compelled to pursue. It wasn't that I was sexually attracted to them at all, I just felt comforted by the connection we shared. With both of them, there was one night that I drunkenly suggested we be LUGs together (They would go WHAT? And I would go yea,h LUGs, Lesbian Until Graduation, I read it in a Judy bloom book!) But neither of those went anywhere. Actually, looking back, both of those friendships fell apart. :eusa_doh:

And then I met my friend Anady. It turned out that although we went to a school all the way in Pennsylvania, we were two of the few students who were from New Hampshire. She was cool and different because she cared about some of the same things I did, and she just felt like an old soul. So we hung out a good bit over the summer. We would go to the beach, drive around, we went to a Phish concert, ya know normal friendsy stuff. We would have sleepovers every time we hung out because we live about an hour away. So we would share her little twin bed cause we're both tiny and pass out watching Bob's Burgers. Never thought anything of it. But then one night, while lying asleep in her bed next to her, I had a sex dream of Anady and I. Well, we didn't exactly have sex, but we were kissing and very touchy and intimate. It was nothing like I'd ever dreamt about before. Normally my sex dreams (they come very far and few) are super vague. This one was incredibly vivid and extremely enjoyable. When I woke up and realized what my mind had just done, I was shocked. I also felt kind of devious, in a good way. I wanted to tell her but I knew I couldn't, that it would probably instantly make things weird and that was the last thing I wanted. :eusa_naug

One time over that summer, we hung out with our hick friends who had this nice house out in the middle of the woods, partying and chilling by his pool. We slept in the same bed with him, and I remember him sticking his morning wood against my bum and feeling his hairy itchy legs and being completely grossed out. Now, don't get me wrong, I love dick just not his dick. And in that moment, all I wanted was to leap over him to Anady and cuddle her with her smooth legs and nuzzle in her frizzalicious hair. That day, we went hiking. Two of our guy friends and Anady and I. We had been drinking all morning, and I remember her being her cute little barista self and mixing us up some tasty drinks. We walked up the mountain all tipsy and at the top we all marvelled at the beauty. Anady and I snuck away and climbed up this rock to where the guys couldn't see us. We started doing yoga, and for some reason it felt right to take our tops off. It was hot as hell. And it's not like the girl has big tits or anything like that. It was just, there we were doing topless yoga on top of a mountain, with no guys around, just for ourselves. And I think I fell in love right there. All of us climbed up to the top of a lookout tower. Anady and I started making out: sloppy, drunk, makeout sesh. We were at it for so long that I think we actually made the guys uncomfortable (they were conservatives, probably detecting and thrown off my the lesbian energy). But it turns out that that energy was only one sided. Anyways we kept kissing even after the guys left us alone, even though they kept peeking. I just remember willing them to go away, so I could have this moment alone with Anady.

After that day, I didn't think much of it at first. I just attributed it to our drunkeness, like always. But then, some time later it came up in conversation and Anady goes: "yeah, that was the moment that I found out, I am definitely not gay!" My heart sank. It was the moment I knew I would have to hold back my early love feelings for her and was the first rejection of my bisexuality I'd ever experienced. :bang:

But despite all this, I'm still not sure whether this means I'm actually bi, or just curious. What if it's just a "phase"? But then what if I think that because society as a whole shames anything that's not ordinary and leads you to believe if you're gay there's something wrong with you? What if all my life I've been encouraged to live in a way that goes against my natural impulses? Or, this could all just be in my head. I guess I'll never know till I try. :dry:

Was that intrigue towards Emily real, or just because she liked me first? Did I enjoy kissing girls because it's just fun and, "girls know what girls want" or because I'm actually sexually attracted to them? Was that feeling of love towards Anady romantic, or just friendly? Was that feeling of disappointment real, or just a natural reaction to rejection?

And furthermore, could I even take sex with a girl seriously? What if I didn't like it halfway through? What if I chickened out? What if I hit on a cute girl and she's straight? Do I even have a gaydar? Do I even like pussy? How do I gay? :help:

P.s. Your advice for me is probably going to be to just go out and experiment, and if I like it great if not, problem solved. But my other huge conflict right now is that I am in a relationship with a man I love and adore. And, am very sexually attracted to. So wtf, why are these feelings bubbling up NOW? No comprendo. I feel like he'd be accepting and not want to hold me back, but it's not like I have the desire to want to cheat on him, definitely not. I think I'm attracted to girls in a different way than I am guys. Girls are so complex, and I like that. I like a good mystery. What are these feels gahhh. :icon_redf