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Courage

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by brodew, Oct 17, 2014.

  1. brodew

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    I've been trying for years to build up the courage to come out and have been really trying as of late. I sit here reading posts in the forums of all the successes hoping they would help me. Been reading for hours tonight and it seems like reading about everyone elses success has had a negative effect on me. I sit here in tears trying to figure out how every time I try to say something I chicken out.

    I've asked online for suggestions before and I've read a ton and I get a lot of "Be yourself" responses. The problem is I'm not an open person. Sure I'm out going, I enjoy to party, have fun with friends, and go out just about anywhere, but I never share anything personal with anyone. I don't even show to many emotions when I'm around other people.

    How the heck do I find the courage to tell someone, anyone. I have people I want to tell and I am almost positive they would be cool with it.

    But who knows I'm clueless to social cues and never seem to be able to figure out the way other people feel. Heck in college a guy asked me out and we proceeded to go out to the movies and out to eat many times over the next few weeks. We studied together and hung out on campus as well. During the first few weeks neither of us did anything until finally one night he reached over and held my hand. That whole time he was flirting, asking me to go out, and I thought we were just hanging out as friends. Of course I was interested, I really liked him but talk about clueless.

    I guess I feel that if I can miss something that obvious I could be wrong about them accepting me for who I am. I just don't know I always over analyze it seems.

    At one point my older brother has even said to me completely serious "I thought you were gay." Was that a true statement? IDK. If so does that mean other people have guessed that I might not be straight? :confused: :icon_sad:
     
  2. discalcedtierce

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    What helped me was to come out first to someone not really close to me, so if there was a bad reaction, then it wouldn't matter as much as if it were someone closer to me. As I built up successes from coming out to people in my outer circles of social interaction, I became more comfortable with myself and was in a better position emotionally to come out to those closer to me.

    I started with people closer to me who had expressed support for lgbt issues, such as same-sex marriage and went from there. I'm still not out to everyone, but I don't deny that I'm gay when I am asked directly any more, either. I don't really feel the need to be out to every single person in my social circles, and there are some that I feel that it wouldn't be prudent to be so open with.

    It was really difficult when I wanted to be out to everyone all at once and when I realised and accepted that it was a gradual process that did not need nor could be done all at once, the easier it because to do it a step at a time.
     
  3. BiPenguin

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    Some of us don't naturally pick up on cues. I get like that. I think that what you may need foremost is learning to accept yourself as you are.
     
  4. brodew

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    Thanks Discalc, and I do believe I am comfortable with who I am. I am also brutally honest with myself about my faults. That's one of the reasons I listed so many issues. I think my biggest problem is I lack self confidence
     
  5. lb41974

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    You have done the hardest part and that is being comfortable with who you are ! Now is the easier part I agree maybe find somebody that you are not extremely close with , do you still see that guy ? If so maybe talk to him .But that is my opinion I wish you the best of luck!
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Here is a curve ball approach:

    You say your comfortable with yourself, you suggest your not open about feelings, your brother made the comment he thought you were gay, and you have attracted a guy sufficiently to go out with you (although you suggest you did not see the signs).

    Do really you need to actually come out? You might need to practice and hone your skills on flirting and reading hints (people are not necessarily born to do this, it takes practice and trial and error), but proactively coming out if you are comfortable with yourself is not an absolute necessity.

    Why do I say this? My partner has never come out. Like you, he is quite reserved to others about his feelings (although with me he is very open) and he is extremely sociable and personable. He has never officially come out to his family or friends, but he has gay friends. While never discussed specifically, his family all know he is gay and are very accepting; we are with them frequently, they recognise we are a couple, they treat me as if I am family and they clearly respect him. So I see no issues between his family and himself.

    First and foremost you need to be comfortable with yourself, which you suggest you are. What you do thereafter from my perspective is your choice.
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Oct 18, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2014
  7. PatrickUK

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    Coming out verbally is a huge challenge for many people and it brings on feelings of intense anxiety and stress. Everytime we set ourselves the challenge of coming out it feels like a vice is gripping our vocal chords and every failure to 'see it through' makes the next attempt even more daunting, to the extent that we move further and further away from the goal. Sound familiar?

    It's for this reason many people choose to come out by letter or e-mail. You have time to compose your thoughts and feelings, write out a draft or several drafts until you are happy before sending. It still takes courage to do it, but it's not nearly as daunting as going down the verbal route. Some people think it's impersonal, but I disagree. I think you can take steps to really personalise letters/e-mails and show that it's from the heart. The big advantage of coming out in writing is that you get to say everything without interruption.

    Would this work for you brodew?

    There are some sample letters within the EC resources, if you are stuck.
     
  8. brodew

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    Well I took the first step. I came out to a friend tonight. We talked for about 5 hours. LOL she is my older brothers sister in-law and happens to be pan/demi so her input was invaluable and makes me feel a whole lot better. She was the first person that was not a casual acquaintance that I have managed to come out to.

    lol we shared celeb crushes for like 20 minutes. Its sad how many we shared.
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    That's a great first step!