My life is a mess right now. I am gay, been gay eversince i can remember. I always acted and still act straight. Just ended a 10 year relationship (on good terms) with opposite sex. I have been lying to myself this whole time, wasting time. And I have a child with this person. I dont think it can get any worse. I came out to 3 close friends. The ex doesnt know. I dont know what to do or how to deal with all this. It is eating me alive. I cant take it anymore. I am over whelmed with guilt. cant sleep or eat im a mess. I have read some forums here on ec and i see a crack of light through the clouds but im so unsure of everything. Can anyone relate to me , understand these feelings of self hate. I am usually the spontanious happy person but im at my worst. and i truely dont think it is going to get better.:icon_sad:. my whole family constantly talks about "queers" and anything else,race. whatever that is "different". I feel like crap and that i wasted my life for someone else and im comming to terms with the fact that if i dont live mine i will die regreting my life which is my biggest fear. some one please help.
that's how i felt a few years ago and my college experience was hurt because of my self denial, i recently came to terms with who i am and i've never been happier. I really regret not deciding earlier since i was presented with numerous possible opportunities in college but living in regret only hurts people more my suggestion would be to try to move on and begin a new life with your newfound identity and be happy that you did it.
be open with yourself. if you aren't then the rest of your life will reflect that. you can't live life to its fullest potential if you don't except who you are. breath in and out a few times and embrace the fact that you are gay, its ok
Follow your heart, let it guide you. Don't think about what other people think about you, think about what you need to live your life properly, and nothing else. If you live your life un-fairly, you will feel like you never lived at all. My advice: Have fun, have a great time living you life, don't let other people's thoughts bother you and be yourself!
Yay. I now feel loved <3333 Oh and a add-on to what I said: If you live you life pretending your someone who your not, in the end you won't have lived at all. Because you can't live life if you are being someone else.
Just take it slowly, at your own pace, however you want. Start by becoming comfortable with yourself before you try to open up to anyone else, it will make the future much easier on you if you can think and talk about your situation freely. Posting about it here is a good start - just keep it rolling and try not to go too hard on yourself.
thank you all for your support. It is nice to know that someone understands somewhat what im going through. I definately dont want to regret my life and im still young to change things. I feel i have a breath of fresh air for a second. thankyou all, really!
Welcome to EC! You've gotten some good advice already, so I'll just add a few more bits. Think about where you want to be, and how to get there. Don't spend time looking behind you and regretting what's already past. That's done and past undoing. You may have spent some time on the wrong path, but don't waste any more time looking back on that path and kicking yourself. You've got a life to live, damnit. Now look forward. What do you want? Presumably, you'd like to (eventually) come out, start dating guys, maybe form a relationship. If so, cool - we can help with that. Just take it one step at a time. Your family may be homophobic, and may cut you off - that is indeed possible. Or they may surprise you. Every homophobe I've encountered has been so out of ignorance. I have yet to meet anyone who says, "I knew some gay people, and they're just awful people." Homophobes never KNOW anybody gay. When it's revealed that someone near to them is gay, that sometimes makes them reconsider their stance. You're already out to two people, but it doesn't look like you're out to the most important person yet - you. If you can't look in the mirror and say "I'm gay" without it feeling like you're confessing to some heinous crime, then you've got some work to do there. That's OK. Gotta start somewhere. Let me just say that I've been out to everybody for over fifteen years. And you know what? It totally kicks ass being gay. Hopefully we can help you get over to this side, as well. Lex
Hi there. I think I'm someone that can provide you with some hope... And can it get any worse? Sure. How about having been married for 9 years, not just in a relationship? How about having 2 kids, not just one? How about having developed an addiction as a result of my long-time depression and sense of isolation and 'disconnect' resulting from my orientation? I'm not sharing this to suggest that I don't think your situation is bad. It is. But to say that I DO understand how you're feeling. I'm quite certain that I had never felt as low as I did at that point in my whole life. (January 2007 when it was clear that my marriage was over.) BUT it DOES get better!!! Don't feel pressured to come out to anyone if you don't want to. Having told the 3 friends is a great start though. It took me 9 months to tell my mom and dad why my wife and I had split. Another 3 to share it with my sister. And I still haven't told my kids. I did tell my wife though - right off the bat. More accurately, I told her when I couldn't deny it any longer to her. (That was almost 2 years ago now.) She was devastated of course, but she eventually came to understand and support me. She continues to be my biggest fan and best friend. And we make the welfare of our daughters our number one (shared) priority. I've also met someone. And I've never been so much in love. He's also someone that got married without realizing he was gay. He also had two kids, and came to realize his orientation in his mid 30s. The turn around in my life from last January to now is totally incredible. My advice for you? Don't beat yourself up. You were conditioned - by your family and by society in general -to ignore and deny your orientation. Had you been taught that it was totally OK, you never would have hidden it in order to fit in. The past is the past. You can't do anything at all to change a single thing you've done or a single thing you've said. Don't sweat the future either. There's very little you can do to influence it, so focus on today and what you can you for yourself and others. Get some support and someone to talk to. I'm quite certain that I couldn't have made it through this period of my life without my therapist / counsellor. Also there might be support groups in your area for people in your situation. Here in Toronto there is actually a support group called Gay Fathers of Toronto. There's a similar group in Ottawa. So you might find one where you live as well. Finally, you can feel free to send me a private message if you'd like to chat one on one. Good luck - and welcome to EC. This site helped me a tremendous amount when I was first coming to terms with being gay.
Not much I can add to some of the very good advice you have received already - but I will point out (just in case you haven't found it yet), this resource link at the top of the Forum page: http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12090 If you haven't looked already I'm sure you'll find some useful stuff there. The "Stages of Grief" one will give you some insights into the stages of coming out to yourself and how others reconcile themselves to the idea (sometimes very quickly, sometimes less so)..
Hey Divingin. I read your thread and wanted to chide in my support and understanding for your situation. I haven't posted on here recently and I apologize to the other members for that. I've been speaking with some other members who've provided a tremendous amount of support when I needed it and I know that you'll find a lot of support, advice, guidance here as well. I recently came out to my wife of 17 years. I've got 4 kids. Without getting into the details, I can honestly say that I don't regret the decision and things are going much better than I had expected. My wife and I are still together and are working through things and may be closer than we ever have been in the past, although our relationship has taken on a new path. Be true to yourself. Don't worry about what other people think. You'll find people out there who will love and support you for who you are. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard. But there is 'the other side' waiting for you. You can't instant me because I'm not a full member, but I've given Jim1454 my permission to give you my msn account if you'd like to talk one on one sometime. Chin up man...hang in there!!! C.
