Alright well let's make this long and terrible because I need to vent, because everything seems to be getting worse and I need an outlet. I want to give my whole story from the realization of my homosexuality until now. I think I first realized something was different about me when me and my one friend grew close sexually when I was about 14. Before this point of time I had always had girl crushes and even during this time; I still had not had romantic feelings towards another guy. We would watch porn together, which let to touching, kissing, other sexual acts and eventually we almost had sex, but it didn't exactly work out since neither of us did any preparations for such and ended quickly. We stopped hanging out and then that lingering "yo, you did gay stuff with a friend" thing kind of lingered in my head. Soon, while still in my high-school career, I started developing crushes on men in my school and a couple women. I even had a guy I met over myspace that lived maybe 40 miles away me that I would message and we would fantasize over each other, but that came to an end also. So exiting my high school days, I took some time off of school, went to college, dropped out after a semester, and then kind of floated from part time jobs. I feel like my closeted homosexuality really puts a weight on my shoulders that makes it hard to want to move forward in my life, considering I know I can't have a stable relationship when I can't muster up the courage to out myself. I few secret lovers here and there, come and go, I still have never had sex with a man at this point. So I decide I'd date a friend who is a girl, when I was about 22, I met at a party when I started drinking around when I was 20. So we hit it off great because we have a lot in common, similar music taste, art, fashion. I have a lot of feelings towards her, like a best friend, and we have sex (quite a lot). The relationship grows stale eventually. We start fighting when we're drunk. She cheats on me. Breaks my heart. Typical relationship shit. It's just I more so felt like I lost a best friend and not a lover. I could never see us together in the long run, because my, at that point, deeply repressed sexuality was still there in the back of my mind. So 2 years go by and I'm still single. Sexless. Feeling worthless and alone. I'm still floating on with life, albeit I'm starting school so my future's not too bleak. I'm around my family quite a bit because I still live at my parent's. I don't know how to even bring it up to them. I feel like I'd break their hearts. But it's getting to the point where I think I'm too far depressive and anxious to even get the courage to say it, but I'm so lost and despondent about how my life has been. So that's ten years in the closet. Ten whole years. I feel like if I did get the courage to come out, I'd be happier mentally, but my world around me would cease to be as it is. My family's (like most people's) religious and from what I can tell homophobic (ex. my one sister) and so is my extended family. I go to school full time and work part time, so I can't support myself financially if something bad would happen in the scenario I come out while I'm in school, but I don't honestly know how long I can mentally stand it. So for whomever read all of this, thank you for your time. My only real question is now that I kind of anonymously spilled out my guts, what can or should I do? I know it's gonna be easy to say "Just come out, it gets better, etc" but I need a short term solution due to my worsening mental state. I guess the past 2 years have just been striving and I need release. Any help is great help. Disclaimer: No, I'm not suicidal, I'm just really depressive. Suicide is light years from my mind and I have lost a couple close people to me from suicide and I would never do it. I just need some kind words and some advice. Thanks everyone.
Go on, you're welcome to vent as much as you like here. As much as I would like to help you, my situation is so much different from yours. For example, me just realizing I'm homosexual a few months ago, never actually been close to anyone and a complete loner. However, I can relate to you with repressing my sexuality (I think I've known I've been gay since I was 8-9, I've just been in denial) and feeling very depressive and anxious. The only thing I can advice you to do is perhaps find a LGBT support group or a therapist. Bottling up your feelings and thoughts are such a tiresome things to do, especially if you've been doing it for 10 years. You even said that you needed an outlet to vent all your thoughts, the therapists/counselors are the perfect listeners. I'm not telling you to "Just come out, it get's better." because sometimes it doesn't. At least it doesn't seem so in our situation. And most of the time, coming out isn't even the solution. So I really believe finding someone you can share your thoughts with, pour your heart out and open up to will help you with your condition. It may not be certain, but it sure helps me with my depression and anxiety. Coming out anytime soon isn't even on my mind. I've got so many other things going on in my mind. I'm focusing on my studies, my training and my self-esteem issues so much so I barely have time to think about coming out. And that's a really good thing, because brooding over it is only going to make me more anxious and reserved. I know very well that I can't keep this up in the long run, but it's the only thing I can do to keep moving forward. Everyone hits a dead-end in their life, it's a part of every humans' experience. Just never give up and keep moving on, even if the only thing you see are dead-ends. Because eventually you will see the exit. It may not be anytime soon, but atleast know that there is one and you will one day reach it.
Dude, you don't need an official coming out ceremony, you need a boyfriend. Someone you can go out and do things with to enjoy yourself, then go back to his place afterwards and make out. When you find someone that you really like, and feel like he is WORTH the hassles of coming out for, then you will know that the time has arrived to talk to your family. Quit wasting your time thinking about coming out, and just go find someone to do some low-key dating with as a "best friend", who also doesn't want to be out in a grand way yet.
"I have a lot of feelings towards her, like a best friend, and we have sex (quite a lot)" Did you consider being bisexual? Personnally I'm out but still single and virgin because my life is full with work and i'm quite antisocial (I have only two or three people i call friends and even then i barely see them). So i'm also in bad mood.
I think Yossarian's advice is good. We all need our own time to find our place. Not everyone does so at the same rate. And when you come on EC for advice, you see all the posts about people coming out and likely it might not be helping your predicament. What you have to remember is that each of those people have their own story and struggle. And you can't measure age as being a metric you have to follow. "well, you are old and you should have come out already", isn't something I would ever apply to anyone, I don't care how old. Before I came out, I found a small group of friends who were gay as well. They were the place I could talk about guys and things I was curious about. It was the first time I could talk out loud about how I felt. This was a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders and allowed me to move forward and come out a few years later. A BF is a great place to start, but if I was doing it all over again, I'd go look for that core group of gay friends and repeat what I did in my 20s. FWIW, I am still friends with them almost 20 years later..
Yeah, but that's easier said than done. People who are in the closet are usually very secretive people. So say I find a friend who by some misread body language I think is into me and I go to make a move and it explodes in my face and he's not gay/bi. I feel like the repercussions from that wouldn't be ideal especially for my mental state. And if that happened, I know it'd get around quickly and furthermore end up as a very uncomfortable and probably quite embarrassing forced outing. Sorry if I sound rude, that's just not really the advice I'm looking for. :icon_sad: ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2014 at 10:54 PM ---------- Pretty much my current state of mind. I don't know about a therapist, because yeah they'll listen, but for a fee. I'd rather use resources like EC to discuss these things. :lol: ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2014 at 10:55 PM ---------- Awesome advice. Maybe I should do that. I think I needed to hear something like this. (*hug*)
Of course it is easier said than done, for the exact reason you indicate. People in the closet are hiding, just like you are, frustrated because you can't find each other. This is why there are so many dating web sites online, so people who are not conspicuously out can find each other without being conspicuous about it. Some of them use phone apps also, so they can find each other when they are out and about, not just sitting at home on the computer. If you want to find someone who is hiding, you have to look where they are hiding, and online is where they are hiding today. Pick a web site, post a profile for yourself with a blurred or obscured face as well as look around at the people who already have, say in the text why you are aren't out and that you are looking for someone else in the same situation who would like to date inconspicuously and see what happens. You have to do something proactively if you want your situation to change. And I am not trying to be rude either, just trying to suggest something you can do with little risk of outing yourself to the people you are concerned about, but still get something going for yourself.
Okay. I was kind of in a bad mood when I saw your last post and this is sound advice. It's just hard and I'm sure you were once in my situation ahaha. So thanks a ton and maybe I should do that and see where it goes. Any idea what sites I should use or mobile app because I'm curious about that. Maybe if I had a little fun and had an actual relationship it'd push me mentally to be brave and out myself. Thanks again (*hug*)
Does your school have either a counselling service and/or an LGBT society? Might be worth checking out. If you pay student fees on top of your tuition, the counseling will be "free", no?
