Hey all. Thanks for creating such a supportive forum for people to talk about their problems in. I'm a 22 year old bi male. I've had relationships with women and I've had only casual sex with men. Never a relationship. But I've kept my sexuality a secret for my whole life, everyone thinks I'm straight. I've never even been asked whether I'm anything but straight, that's how well I can hide it. But I'm getting tired of lying. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm also a recovering drug addict (over 1 year of sobriety) and the fact that I'm keeping my sexuality a secret from my therapist, my sponsor and my family and friends is beginning to feel just as bad as drugs were to my life. I feel like I am living an unhealthy life, sneaking around and hiding my true self from everyone. I also feel like I'm too old to come out. I'm 22 and my parents have met my girlfriends on many occasions and it would completely freak them out after years of assuming I'm straight to find out I'm anything but. My friends are the same way as well. I'm not saying they wouldn't be supportive but I think it would be the biggest shock of their lives. So my dilemma is whether to live a lie the rest of my life and continue sneaking around with guys while pursuing girls in a relationship or to be honest. Any feedback would be much appreciated.
I think you might be overestimating how much of a shock it'd be, particularly for your friends. I've found it's more 'how does that work' and 'thanks for telling me' and 'oh ok cool', more than anything. Parents might be a little bit different, but are you sure it'd be a complete freak out?
I think just like you do. But i've reassured myself that i'd just wait until I had my own money then just leave town, to save myself from the embarrassment. If I were to tell myself that I would live my entire life a lie, i'd be driven so far into depression, there'd be nothing left for me to do but to commit suicide. Don't worry. You are not the only closeted 22 year old here We will support you while you are here until you've mustered up that courage to tell them yourself Until then, good luck
I do think it'd be a shock because I'm a "ladies man". They just don't know about my secret life. I'm not sure maybe its narcissism thinking everyone would be shocked but I've seen how they react to gay people and its not pretty. Its not horrible but its definitely not as accepting as I'd like. My parents would not be a dangerous freak out like kicking me out of their house or hurting me but I think it would lead to an emotional crisis for them. I've already put them through hell with 3 years of drug addiction and I'm not sure they could take it right now. My mom recently said "being gay has become too convenient of an option." I'm not sure what that means but its certainly on the side of not accepting. I really want to come out as bisexual because I feel it is jeopardizing my recovery from drugs and alcohol if I don't. But I don't want to come out and then have everything go to crap, which will lead me back to drugs.
You just answered your own question. You are already not happy where you are. You need to take positive steps to improve your situation, which of course will NOT include using drugs. Your drug usage might very well be linked to your unhappiness about your sexuality and having to hide it. Your mother probably already thinks you might be gay, so it isn't likely to be a big shocker to her if you come out to her as bisexual. In any case, that will be her problem to deal with; you need to do what will make you feel better and more functional, and not just stay where you know you aren't happy.
doubledown, Welcome and I want to say congrats it is awesome that you are now drug free I wish you luck ! Also you will come out when you are ready too don't beat your self up about it you will do it when you are ready so take a deep breath and try to relax it will happen sooner or later. Good luck and keep us informed what happens
Coming out is a process and we should always start with the person/people who are most likely to understand and offer support. From what I read, your greatest concern is telling your parents, so how about parking the idea of telling them, for now? That's a challenge for another day; at this stage you don't need that added layer of stress and anxiety. The idea is to build up a support network to give you strength, confidence and a feeling of security as you work through the process. So with all that in mind, who would be the best person/people to tell? If I were to offer a suggestion, it would be your therapist and sponsor. Both parties should have your best interests at heart and by definition of their role, they are not there to pass judgement or criticise. If living a lie is likely to impede your recovery from addiction it must be confronted. You have shown courage and determination to get this far, you have had to confront some really serious demons, so you know it's within you to do this - you've already demonstrated it. Don't let this issue set you back. It's not all consuming and you don't have to come out to everyone you know in the space of a few days. You can take it at your own pace, but just making a start and telling someone can have a positive effect. By the way, I was around the same age as you when I came out. It wasn't too late for me. Stay with us for support and let us know how you get on.
Your friends probably would be shocked. I know many of mine were when I came out to them. Will they get over it? Yes. As long as you think they'll be accepting of you I don't see any reason not to tell them. Once they get over the initial surprise things will go back to the way things were before -- except you'll have a huge weight off your shoulders.
