How to come out to everyone but family Hi Everyone! I've been lurking these forums for the past couple of months but just made an account. Exactly one month ago I came out to my first friend and came out to two more today. I've gotten to the point where I don't really care who knows except for my family. My parents are pretty homophobic and I'm mostly worried that they won't pay for college if they find out I'm gay. The problem I have is coming out without my parents knowing. I also have a brother who's a senior and I'm a junior in high school, and a cousin that I don't really talk to that's a freshman. Is it possible to come out to the majority of people in my grade without it looping back to my parents? As a follow up question, what's it like for people to know you're gay. To me, coming out was hard not because I thought my friends we're homophobic (we live in a liberal town and they've said pretty supportive things about gays) it's just that being gay seemed kind of personal to tell everyone. My main concern is being treated differently because of people's preconceptions about gay people. Most people probably have expectations of what I might be like and it's weird to think people already think they know me without meeting me. Some might try to be friends just because they want that stereotypical gay best friend. I guess I'm just worried about people having this image of me painted based on my sexuality without even knowing me.
Hey GCP, if it makes you feel any better, know that I'm going through the exact same thing, and there are lots of people going through this too. Now to answer your question, I think it depends on if your brother and cousin are homophobic too. If they aren't and you feel comfortable telling them, come out to them ahead of time and tell them not to tell anyone in your family if word "spreads to them". If they are, then I would still recommend coming out but just being careful not to let anyone that would gossip about it know. As for people knowing you're gay, know that they might ask you questions you don't feel comfortable answering or be occasionally harassed by the radical right, but know that most people are accepting and will still treat you exactly as they did before.
Thanks for the reply! My brother and cousin aren't homophobic but my brother is the type of person that likes to get me in trouble for everything. I guess I'll just slowly tell people outside of my friend circle and keep it semi under control. As for the questions I'm not too uncomfortable with them and there are very few homophobes. I just think it's weird that complete strangers will know something that personal about me without even talking to me.
My suggestion is that you try to keep track of how often the people around you indicate through speech or action that they are straight. I think we have this weird notion that we are talking about it while no one else is. It's definitely not true and while there will be many things about your sex life that are intensely private the fact of being gay really isn't, in my estimation, one of them. I remember I tried to count the times my straight coworkers "came out" as straight during the course of one day--I got to 50 within a few hours and realized I couldn't keep track of it all and get any work done. As to the whole notion of coming out to large groups of people without it getting back to your family, well, I can't really imagine that working out well unless perhaps you live in a different city than them. I know my mother was the first person I came out to for that reason...
Thanks osg, when you put it that way it really doesn't seem like a big deal. as for coming out, I guess I'll just keep it on the down low for now. It's just I see some peoples out status says "all but family" and I'm just sitting here wondering how the heck they can pull that off.
P am going through a very similar situation. I told my family I was bi about a year ago, and we spent hours talking and trying to convince me I am straight and bisexuality isn't real. What I am doing is waiting until I am financially independent to tell them again. I have also found that if I tell my friends not to tell my parents they are very understanding and refrain from talking about it around them.
First of all... CONGRATS on coming out to your first few people. It's a great step! Now for your questions... It's important for you to know that anytime you tell someone, there's a risk of it getting back to your parents. I don't say that to scare you out of coming out to anyone else, I say it to prepare you. Sometimes things slip out. Don't let that deter you from coming out though... here's why... Coming out to your parents, especially if they are homophobic is VERY hard. I'm a preacher's daughter and the daughter of a brainwashed wife... so the thought of my parents finding out was incredibly scary for me as well. In hindsight, though, now that my parents know, I can offer some outside perspective. First of all, if your parents don't pay for college, it's okay. My parents didn't pay a dime of my college and they didn't even know I was gay at the time. There are millions of dollars in grants and scholarships... AND if the worst happens (which I hope it doesn't) and they kick you out, you can claim independence early by submitting some form of proof from either a court, therapist, etc that proves that your parents kicked you out for being gay and have not financially supported you since. When you do this, you qualify for MUCH more money in grants because you don't have to claim your parents on your FAFSA. Don't let paying for college be the reason you don't come out. There are ways, trust me. Just know your resources and always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. As far as people treating you differently... what it comes down to is that they might, but that won't change who you are. This is the time when you find out who is truly a good friend and who is not. Coming out can be both a rewarding and a painful process, but it's one that is definitely worth it in the end. Good luck
Thanks for the extra input! I decided I'll just keep it between a small group of friends plus a few others. As for people treating me differently, I'm not worried about people being homophobic or not accepting me, I'm worried I'll be that gay kid that everyone knows and they'll try to be my friend just because I'm gay without even trying to get to know me. The main reason I was thinking about coming out was because there's this guy I like that keeps sending mixed signals and it's torturing me wondering if he likes me or not.
I am totally with you on the 'Gay Best Friend' thing. Honestly, whenever I meet someone and they find out I'm gay - "OMG YOUR MY GAY BEST FRIEND!!!" No sorry, but I just met you get to f**k. I think people don't understand how insulting it actually is. Also, my advice for the guy you like is simply ask him out, if he turns you down saying he's straight just apologise and say he was sending mixed signals. I find that being quite direct with people is usually the best policy :icon_wink And finally, I wouldn't even consider coming out to a large amount of people without telling you folks. I did that and it didn't go down well, and they still haven't really forgiven me for it :rolle: the best advice I can give is don't do anything till your ready for it, and try to not alienate your family, it never ends well (*hug*)
I think you should also be prepared in case word does leak back to your family. Sometimes people inadvertently or on purpose post things in social media that your family might see. Some of the "out to everyone but family" are adults who don't live at with parents. I'd imagine it would be a lot harder to be out to everyone but family if you live with parents and are dating both sexes/genders.
