4 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years. For me, the relationship got to a point where I couldn't speak my mind, I constantly hurt her with my actions leading to emotionally draining guilt, and I hit a level of numbness that made me wish I stopped existing because I didn't have a place in the world. This story isn't exclusive to me; many gay men go through this hardship and pain when coming to terms with their sexuality. 4 months ago I decided to make the rest of this year productive. I started working out to get in shape, I focused more on work, I spent more time with friends as a distraction, and I started to seek council with other GSM's like me to build a support structure and feel more comfortable in my own skin. I've also tried to maintain a friendship with my ex as I still deeply care for her and don't want to be uncivil. However, there have been a few incidences which disturbed me. I took a short trip to New York for business. The trip, excluding travel time, was about a day. She made a point several times to tell me to "behave myself" before dropping me at the airport. There was no miscommunication; this was a warning to avoid the "gayness" of the city - we've talked about it in the past. Although I was offended she even felt the need to say that, I assured her how ridiculous that was seeing as the trip was ONE DAMN DAY! My support group is by the gay neighborhood in my city, near downtown and a fair distance away from my house. The neighborhood is well known but near other city attractions. I'm not yet comfortable exposing this aspect of my whereabouts to anyone, so when she asked what I was doing after work I mentioned I was headed "downtown for an event". I guess she picked up on it because she got mean and sent a few texts asking why did I even take communion in the first place. I didn't respond. But it was the short talk on homosexuality that killed me. We haven't brought the topic up since we broke up, but as expected, she went through the gambit of how wrong it is to support marriage equality, how Christian groups who don't speak out are "misleading souls", how the media is now showing soft-core gay porn, how much like "end times" everything is. I hate conflict, so I kept my disagreements to myself. This was 2 weeks ago. I lost all that motivation I gained previously. I don't feel comfortable in my support group anymore. I don't really want to go out. I don't really feel motivated to do anything. I sit at home alone now. My diet and sleep are terrible again. I hate being like this and I hate myself for not being stronger. I question if this is really me or if I'm just selling this whole gay thing up in my mind. I'm so unhappy and I don't know if I still have a place in the world. I haven't done anything sinful or even conservatively un-Christian, except maybe take a break from church and visit some gays in a public setting for an hour. I don't wanna date anyone, I don't want sex, I don't want to party, I don't want to drink. I just want to talk to someone that understands, someone not super motivated to tell me how God didn't intend this for me or how I will fall into "that lifestyle" if I keep looking for support or how "reconciling homosexuality with Christianity" can't be done or how massively disappointed they are in me. EC, you're my ONLY outlet. I can't risk friends knowing, I can't talk to my Christian anti-gay family members, and I feel shameful talking to strangers again. I find it so hard to explain myself to anyone; especially my ex. If I can't stand up to her, how can I face my family and the world? Why is it so hard for me to stand up for myself with this?
I really feel for you and what you are going through. I wish I could speak to you about bridging the divide between your religious concerns and being gay; but such a divide was never an issue for me. Others on EC are probably better placed to help you there so I will defer to them. That said, as it relates to your friends, family and ex girlfriend, all whom you are concerned are anti-gay, I would advise that you and only you can come to resolution as to how they should fit into your life while being gay. For me, I decided that my own personal happiness was more important than the perception of others. When I first came out to myself, and then to everyone else (and when I say everyone else, I mean everyone - family, friends, work makes, etc), I decided I was prepared to risk everything in order for me to be happy by being true to myself. I risked the relationship with my family, I risk the relationship with my friends, I risked my job and career not knowing how those I work with would react. I did, however, think through what the impact would be if I lost it all. If my career deteriorated, if my family rejected me, if my friends rejected. And I concluded that my own happiness offset everything else. I was prepared to start from scratch, with a clean sheet of paper. Fortunate for me, my concerns were, for the most part, without merit. Although my ex is clearly unhappy with how things have resulted between us, she will certainly get on with her life and find her own happiness, the rest of my family were accepting and welcoming. Everyone I work with, at least on the face of it, have come to be comfortable (there was an initial period of tension where I work, but that has completely gone away), and my friends were more interested about hearing about my dates than worrying about the fact that I was gay (they probably assumed it all these years in any event). Coming from a conservative/religious community, I would not be surprised that you might have different experiences. All I can say is I did risk it all for my happiness, and I am glad I did. I hope you find the happiness you deserve!
First of all, being gay does NOT preclude you from taking Communion!! have a look at this site: God Made Me Gay it may help, it did for me.
Why in the world are you wasting and spending your time with these homophobic people, who obviously are never going to be able to accept you as you are. If religion is really important to you, you need to find a church which accepts the fact that some people come into the world homosexuals, and there is nothing evil or wrong about it. You need to get these negative people out of your life and find your own path to a faith which will support you, not try to shame you with guilt about that which you cannot control and should not be ashamed about even if you could. You really don't need to have your life and feelings mismanaged by an EX GIRLfriend, when you really need a supportive BOYfriend who understands you and actually cares for you and will not try to turn you into something you aren't while shaming you for being something you are.
Hey MRI, nice to see you back, I'm glad you thought to return here at EC for a reminder that you have your own life to live, and that it is your choice to live it with integrity and honesty. Myself and the others above are no doubt perplexed as to why she still has such a strong influence over you. Having broken up, I am sure I am not alone in saying: who cares what she believes or says? It's none of her damned business frankly. You need NOT explain anything to her! Your best bet with regard to that bigot is to cut off all communication. Not a word, you owe her nothing. So you ask us why this is happening and why you can't stand up for yourself. I don't think any of us can answer that accurately. Perhaps it has to do with a certain weakness in the courage of your convictions. Perhaps there is still some part of you that still believes it is a sin to be who you are (which is ridiculous). Perhaps you feel a strong need to please others, at your own expense. The best piece of advice I could give is that you need to get a new perspective. It is an unfortunate property of most "enthusiastic" religions to completely encircle and constrain their member's worlds into their own warped vision of it. We here at EC are here on the outside, we are telling you things from a vantage point you can't possibly see as long as you remain inside that bubble. You need to escape. I am generally reluctant to advocate separation from family and friends, but it is warranted in this case...the first thing to do is to cut yourself off from them; the sooner the better.
I know how you feel... I recently came out to my wife... she is very much Christian... and has very strong views. I understand what she is saying to a point... however I don't agree... I have found a great video on youtube that might provide you some clarity... its a sermon by a gay Christian... and it basically gives a different interpretation of 6 important verses in the bible. I hope it gives you something to think about... and makes you realize that you are not bad, or that you need 'fixed'! You are awesome, and GOD loves you... we love you! The Gay Debate: The Bible and Homosexuality - YouTube
@clovis: Thank you for the video. I've seen it already, along with tens of others. I wish her mind was open to watching them, however, instead of "defending herself" from homosexuality. @greatwhale: Were you always a mod? I think I was away when you were knighted. I think I'm still swayed by her influence. I still care that she's okay, I'll still help her if she's in need, and I care about her emotions as well. She's already made horrible accusations about my character based on my sexuality (more on that later) but I want to be the bigger man and refute those claims with upstanding behavior thats completely inconsistent with those claims. I also don't want to be seen as a liar, lying about my encounters with men, lying about who I came out to, and lying about how I truly feel. At the same time, I want to come out to my best friends, if only to tell them what troubles me so much to push them away. I want to go to more events around gay people, to feel more comfortable with the community and find where I fit in best. I want to find a friend to hangout with who won't mind that close affection (I'm crazy affectionate) and build new memories with that person. I want to actually try sex, emotionally fulfilling sex with someone I care about and cares about me, ALL of me.
