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Should I tell my ex-boyfriend I like girls?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BluePaperCrane, Oct 26, 2014.

  1. BluePaperCrane

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    About half a year ago, we sort of broke up with by ex-boyfriend. I say sort of because we never really talked about it, just stopped talking that intensively and stopped going out together to dates etc. It is a bit weird I know, but back then, I felt relieved that it ended this was because I didn't have to explain my feelings (or the lack of them in this case). We just weren't a couple anymore and I tried not to think about the rest,

    But when school started this September, we started to get closer to each other again. Not in a romantic way, just that we chatted more, he set next to me in class, things like this. (He is my classmate). And after a while, I started feeling ashamed and nervous that I've never talked it through with him and that he might have still feeling for me. But I didn't feel ready to bring this up in a conversation with him, for which I felt like an enormous coward.

    But two days ago we finally had a talk about it (via facebook, so we didn't get too far) It turned out he thought the entire break-up thing was his fault and he said he is surprised that I'm still talking to him. Needless to say, I didn't expect this. We decided to meet up on monday and discuss what happened back then and why.

    No that's the problem. How honest I should be? For me, the major reason I ended it with him was because I wasn't sure about myself, I was still questioning, and I didn't feel that way towards him. I liked him as a friend (still do) but that was all. I didn't enjoy kissing him and I felt relieved when a date ended. And I feel terrible about my feelings.
    I think I can't really tell him everything. Obviously, I won't tell him that I didn't like going out with him. That would be too cruel and I like him more than that. But what I'm not sure about is whether I should tell him I like girls or not. It's not that I am completely gay, I'm not. It doesn't mean I didn't like him that way because he is a guy. It's just that it was a huge thing on my mind back then (still is, but not that huge anymore) and I wasn't at a point where I could freely be with him or anyone for that matter.

    So I'm not sure if I should tell him the whole picture or stick to "I wasn't sure about mysef (without explanation) and something was just missing for me."
    My bestfriend said maybe it's better if I don't tell him and a I feel like she kinda has a point. I don't want to hurt him and I don't know how he would react. For me, it would feel better if I could get this off my chest (Im also very-very nervous), and I know they say truth is always the best, but in my experience, it isn't.

    And I can tell him my feelings without actually naming the cause itself. It wouldn't be a lie. But I'm really not sure at this point. I also thought about just going with the moment and tell him if the conversation flows that way.

    Did any of you were in a similar situation? Did you tell your opposite-gender exes that you liked the same gender? Did it go well?

    I'm really not sure what to do.
     
  2. Nelly4

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    If it were me I would explain exactly what happened. Tell him that you aren't 100% sure of your sexuality and you were going through a difficult time. If you are as close as you say you are then I'm sure he will understand. Also I think he kind of deserves a reason, seeing as he thought it was his fault. I obviously wouldn't tell him you didn't feel anything for him, and didn't enjoy your dates, but tell him why it wasn't working for you

    Hope this helps (*hug*)
     
  3. ForeverYoung000

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    Hey BluePaperCrane,

    I've never been in the situation you've been so it'll be kind of hard to relate. But, if I was in your position, I'll wait for a certain amount of time. When I'm ready to tell him my sexuality, that is when I fell 100% about how I feel towards girls , then I'll tell him. Like I came out to my brother the other day ( knew irrelevant but whatever) it started like I asked him questions about what' he will do if I were gay? Would you accept me? And it continued on from there. I know it's not easy coming out. If you tell him, since he is your best friend, I'm sure he will accept you. Best of Luck!!! - Esther
     
  4. bi2me

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    I think if you are really good friends, it would be ok to tell him that you are primarily attracted to girls. You might tell him you enjoyed going on dates, but you didn't really feel the passion you thought he deserved in a relationship, so you are better off being friends. Could be that he felt a similar way and that's the reason he is feeling that it was his fault.
     
  5. BluePaperCrane

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    Thank you for all your advices! I have a few hours until we meet, but right now I feel like I might not have the courage to tell him. I'm still not sure but your answers definitely pushed me towards being completely honest.
    Well, I don't know how it will turn out, but...wish me luck! :grin:
    And thank you all again :slight_smile:
     
  6. resu

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    If it helps, I told the only girl in my life who I was sure had a crush on me that I'm gay. I just didn't want to leave her guessing why I wasn't attracted to her because we were pretty good friends.
     
  7. user123456

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    I'm pondering the same thing and I probably want to tell my ex-gf. Our breakup wasn't as weird as yours, but she doesn't know the whole truth and she deserves to know everything, we've been together for four years and were the world to each other for a long time, she deserves to know the whole story and get closure.