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Advice on coming out to SO as a crossdresser/gender fluid

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by WhisperLoom, Oct 27, 2014.

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  1. WhisperLoom

    WhisperLoom
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    Hi all, I could use some help coming out to my long time gf, at 32. She knows I'm bi (only 1of 2) and is very loving, non judgmental typically, but I just don't know what/how to tell her.

    I don't really dress now except for a few items, but would really like to. I don't dress now because hardly ever home alone and don't own much. But whenever I think about telling her, the "male" rational pessimist pops into my head and warns me not to open up this can of worms. I'm a very private person, so this voice is very loud and persistent. I think I only want to dress at home, which on the surface might seem to be easier for her to accept, but it doesn't make it any easier.

    I want to tell her soon. I think this would go along way to helping me w depression issues.

    If you're GF/GQ/CD how did you come out to an SO? How do you silence the fear/doubt? Thanks!
     
    #1 WhisperLoom, Oct 27, 2014
  2. jay777

    jay777
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Would those help you?

    http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

    They talk of it having biological causes. meaning its not just a whim ...
    What I do not like is on page 7 talking about stress... this is not what all people have experienced, and some experience relief...

    and this :
    https://sait.usc.edu/lgbt/files/PFLAG Coming Out As Trans.pdf

    I cannot tell you what to do since you know the people involved best... so its your decision.
    I would show the first leaflet and the first page of the second leaflet...
    but take your time... maybe talk it through with your therapist...

    (*hug*)
     
    #2 jay777, Oct 27, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2014
  3. Isa

    Isa
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    Hello WhisperLoom!

    Are we the same person?? You sound exactly like me in the (almost) exact same situation! Same age too.

    I wish I could help you out, but I can't... So instead i'll sit back and listen to the more experienced people on this forum who can give you better advice than I ever could.

    PS. I almost dropped the bomb when my gf said "I wouldn't be surprised and I would understand if you of all people were trans". A perfect opportunity to go "well, actually...." but I kept it in. Stupid me.
     
    #3 Isa, Oct 27, 2014
  4. WhisperLoom

    WhisperLoom
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    Thanks Jay, I do think those will be helpful reading, maybe even just for me

    I am slowly trying to work things through with my therapist. I dont know why I feel sooo rushed tocome out. I think I just really want to tell her something. Anything. I think also because I don't feel super comfortable dressing and buying more dtuff without her knowing. Sometimes it feels like cheating.

    Thanks for the reply Confusaurus. Do you dress too? Or feel genderfluid? what was the conversation preceding your gf saying that? I look very masculine, so this type of coming out I think would be fairly earth shaking...out ofthe blue for her

    ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2014 at 07:44 PM ----------

    Those question marks were supposed to be smileys!
     
    #4 WhisperLoom, Oct 27, 2014
  5. Miss Andi

    Miss Andi
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    With my last relationship I hesitantly just told her that I like to dress up. She started talking to me aboot fetishes and I went into this "Well, it's not really a fetish per se, but..." spiel and it went surprisingly well. She seemed to get off on it in a fetish sort of way herself, which made me feel a little uncomfortable but I got around to accepting it.

    When I told her I was trans later on, however, she said she cannot make herself be attracted to girls even a little bit, so if I ever underwent any medical procedures, she would have to go. So I realized that she really didn't get me and was supportive of my crossdressing for all the wrong reasons. Split with her shortly after, but there was a lot more going on than just that anyways.

    She's the first girl I ever fully came out to as trans, but I've told several that I like to dress up and only one has responded negatively. Sometimes they are taken aback and awkward at first but I find they usually don't take long before they want to participate and support. I've learned a lot of useful makeup skills from the dames I've dated!

    ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2014 at 04:30 AM ----------

    I guess I kinda avoided the question of how to do it though. The first couple times it was a situation like getting ready for a date, watching her do her makeup, then jokingly saying she should put some mascara on me too. The conversation opens up pretty naturally after that. Now I'm comfortable enough to be completely upfront with a new partner.
     
    #5 Miss Andi, Oct 28, 2014
  6. Isa

    Isa
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    Miss Andi's advice of winding it into a little joke to break the ice seems like a good starter to me. Babysteps. No need to rush it I guess.

    Oh, and it's soon halloween. Take her to a halloween party and dress the way you want! :slight_smile: (disclaimer: I will not be held responsible for neither positive nor negative reactions following this idea.) Maybe i'll try that one out...

    Oh yeah, the discussion before her comment was about someone she knew who was very mentally masculine who turned out to be trans, which surprised her more than if I would come out as trans.
     
    #6 Isa, Oct 28, 2014
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