There's so much on my mind, it's tough to explain it all in words. I'm Junior in high school, and have barely any friends. There's a group of 2-3 people that I usually hang around with during lunch to keep myself occupied, but that's just to keep me from being that person who has no friends to talk to at lunch. I don't mind sitting by myself and keeping myself company but the thought of what others are thinking just kills me. This group of 2-3 people that I usually hang around with during lunch, is strictly during lunch. Even during lunch when we usually all gather together, I'm never really involved in the conversations unless I push myself into them. The conversation topics are always about how much fun they had together over the weekend and their plans that they have for next week. I usually comment in, with positive vibes but it never really seems to do anything. I'm always that one person who is just there in the group. I've distanced myself away from them only because they aren't really 'true' friends. Over the past few weeks, my lunches have been consumed by club meetings and club duties. I'm trying to keep myself busy with club stuff, so I can keep myself distracted from my loneliness issue. Even within the club, I attempt to build relationships with others, but it never seems to work because everyone already has their 'clique' and it's tough to join in. As I'm battling this problem, I'm struggling with my sexual orientation. I know I'm gay, I've accepted it. I have no issue with it. Do other people have an issue with it? Hell if I know. In school everyday, I'm bombarded by teachers instructing us to live up to ourselves, and learn to be who we really are deep down. I really want to come out and open up, but I'm just so scared. I want to be true to myself, but I can't. The one gay person at my school, just graduated so I have no one to get advice from. Even if I were to come out, I'd be a lot more comfortable to come out to a close friend of mine. The only issue is, I don't have any close friends. I talk to a lot of people at school. A LOT. I'm only a quiet person when I'm dead tired from staying up to late the previous night. Other than those few occasions, I can strike a conversation up with practically anyone. I just can't seem to build any relationships with anyone outside of school. Is me being gay what's holding me back from building these relationships? Once again, hell if I know. I usually make myself cope with all these issues every month. But once in a while I have these dark moments in my life, where I stumble on the internet browsing for self relief for hours on end. I look up coming out stories, I look for support stories and documents that could possibly make me feel better about myself. Just recently, I was watching a Modern Family the tv show, with my family, and one of the main characters in the show was moving out for college. The parents in the show were so sad and tearing up, over her being separated from them. This made me think. I'm 16 years old. I don't have plans to come out any time soon. The only true friends I have are my parents. The only reason I see myself here is to make my parents proud of me, and get some where in life. My parents are around 50 years old. Later that night I looked up the average age expectancy for people in the US, and found the average age to be 80. So I went to my room, and thought to myself; my parents will be alive for another 30 years. So I have until I'm 16+30=46 to come out, AND find a husband that both him and I would be able to love each other to the end of the galaxy and back, to keep myself happy. The way that I look at it is very simple, if I fail to do that, I've failed life. What more is there to living... Yeah I could make money and get a nice house in a nice area, but what does that do in the end. I'm still the lonely person I once was in high school. I feel like if I come out in high school, it's just going to add on to my loneliness. No one's going to even want to talk to me. During class, I have tons of people I can talk to. I have no issue doing this, but if I come out, I have a strong feeling that's going to change. I don't know what to do.... Back to the original point, I want to come out. I really do. But I don't know how. Do I come out right before college, or do I wait till after? I'm lost. My parents seem to be supportive of gay relationships. I've never really said or talked about it, but I did have my mischievous ways of bring up the topic. Whenever we had dinner, we always gathered around the Tv and watched a show. I always wanted to watch modern family because it was my 'favorite' show. I made a big emphasis on how Cam was my 'favorite' character. He was the gay person in the show, which was very clear. My dad always agreed with me, he said Cam was by far the reason why the show was funny. Modern Family is now not only my favorite show, but my dad and moms favorite show. My parents have no idea I'm gay, and I'm sure they aren't even imagining it. They don't have the slightest clue. I had a few girlfriends in middle school, and they always seem to ask about my high school relationships and urge me to use condoms and practice safe sex with girls. I have the same response to the topic every time its brought up. I say, 'I'm in high school. Now's my time to excel with my classes and obtain a good GPA for college. It's not the time to waste in a relationship.' It works every time . Sorry for the long rant... I'm just so lost and have so many questions. When do I come out? Where do I even meet gay guys looking for a relationship? What can I do about my loneliness?
As to when you come out, that is entirely up to u. Its all in when you feel ready. To me, and you can tell me if im wrong, but you seem to want to rush it a bit. Dont come out till u are absolutely, positively ready to. Youll feel more at ease, and be better prepared then. And your loneliness, youll just have to try to find some people that you think would be true friends, that would be nice enough to let you join their group. Maybe try to work with other people, or sit by other people at lunch.
It seems like you really respect and are considerate in regards to your parents. It also seems as if your parents are open minded and may not have any issues other than they might be surprised. It does sound like you are actually social at school, but just have not found someone that you really relate to which would help to build a friendship. Friendships are built by people who have things in common, and those things can be different for each friendship. When you decide to come out, based on what you described, a good start might be with your parents. Will they be a bit surprised, sure, will they ultimately be accepting, sounds like it. Again, this is based on what you have said which all sounds very reasonable. After coming out and getting favorable reactions, for me at least, my confidence built dramatically and continued to build the more people I spoke with. It completely changed my perspectives not only on life, but on relationships with family, friends and others. It was as if I was keeping a lid on a can of soda that had been shaken and was waiting to explode. After the explosion, the soda tasted really good.
