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I destroyed there lives

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lb41974, Oct 28, 2014.

  1. lb41974

    lb41974 Guest

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    Well I did it I had to tell my wife yesterday that I was gay ! She caught me making an appointment with a lgbt therapist and went nuts on me ,so after we talked yesterday it calmed down for a little while the after dinner the crap hit the fan she started screaming and throwing stuff. So I told her I was going to sleep in the small RV we have and give her some space she would not talk to me or even look at me so I grabbed my pillow blanket and laptop headed out .
    I thought all was well but a hour later the youngest came out crying and said that mom was moving and won't tell us anything so I had to come back in and the next 4 hours was a nightmare !! She made me sit the kids down and tell them everything . I was so embarrassed to tell them I was always gay and that I have always felt this way . I was confused on my sexuality when I was younger and had sex with there mother and got her pregnant and stayed because that was what I thought was the right thing to do! The oldest is not my child she is a step daughter don't get me wrong I lover her like she was my own !! The part that hurt the most was the looks I got from my 15 year old ,and what she said to me . She said

    1. That I was being selfish and needed to grow up and deal with being a screaming queen and be a man and take care of mom and them like I am suppose to
    2. That it was not secret I smoke "dick" you can tell . Then she stopped talking to me . The oldest she is 21 said nothing about me being gay she was pissed off that I was not taking care of her mother in the ways she need me too. Now I am having second thoughts maybe I should have never done any of this ! Just stayed unhappy and went on with my life .:tears:

    I am so sorry that this is long and may not make much sense I am still so upset I can't stop shaking and crying been this way since yesterday afternoon. I can't believe I ruined everyone's lives :frowning2:
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Keep your head up high. You did not make any mistakes. Its out, its done, now its time to move forward.

    It will be a bit rocky for a period of time, no doubt. Continue to reassure your children how much you love them throughout, regardless of what they say or how negative they are. You need to keep fighting there.

    As for your wife, you are right to give her some space. Let her digest the news. You also need to digest what has just happened. Let everyone have a little bit of space.

    You just pulled the band aid off, seems like a pretty deep wound. Need to let it heal and settle a little bit.
     
  3. ForNarnia

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    You haven't destroyed their lives, but if you didn't come out, you could have destroyed yours. I'm sure they'll be okay if you give them some time. It's natural for your wife to react badly, but that doesn't mean that she won't come around. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't take care of your family, and I'm sure that they'll realise that soon enough.
     
  4. SpaceSuit

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    You did the right thing. It is going to take time for them to come to terms with this new information. Everyone reacts differently to unexpected information and it sounds like anger is the top response that you are getting at the moment. That is perfectly normal. I know it is hard, but accepting that it is how they are currently coping will help you see that all of this anger is not aimed at YOU, but at this new situation that they are finding themselves in. It is completely new to them and they had no time to prepare so it feels a bit like being thrown in the deep end without swimming lessons. It will take them a while to find their feet.

    It sounds like your wife is hell bent on freaking out about it and that she might be moving, but I would definitely suggest to your family that you all attend therapy together. If they don't go for that, then try to make sure your children and wife get some individual therapy. The anger they are feeling towards you wont be able to dissipate until they learn to deal with their hurt and move through it. That will probably take some professional assistance.

    Don't blame yourself about how they are reacting and try to be kind to yourself. This is just as big a shock to you as it is to them. You didn't get any time to prepare for this either so all of you are going through it together and flailing, trying to find something solid to grab onto. That's normal. That's okay. It won't last forever. You'll get through this and find your strength. (*hug*). I would suggest definitely going through with your plans to meet that LGBT therapist, you're going to need that support as well as a place to vent your frustrations, because this is going to be hard and take time...but, hopefully, your family will be willing to work with you so that you can all get through this in one piece and with healthy relationships intact.
     
  5. lb41974

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    Thank you both for the kind words it means so much to me . I knew this was going to be hard but this is harder than I thought it would be. I am going to see the therapist they are not willing to go they say I am the one with problem not them .I am trying to be positive and let them have there space
     
  6. lb41974

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    lol thanks all three of you sorry
     
  7. looking for me

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    you upset the apple cart but it isn't the end of the world by a long shot. if your kids love you they will adjust, i won't speak for your wife but eventually she will have to accept the new reality.
     
  8. Night Rain

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    Don't let what your daughter said get to you. People usually say the worst things when they are mad. There is nothing selfish about what you are doing. If anything, it's them who are being selfish telling someone else to suck it up and completely ignoring your feelings.

    Maybe your daughter is still too young to understand. She didn't have time to really think about it. All of you would be in a much worse place if you had to pretend everything was alright. How could your wife be happy? I think your daughters are in the denial stage. They want everything to stay the same, but it can't be that way. You did the best thing. You went to a therapist. You want to work this out. You are trying to take care of her and the family.

    Just give them some time and maybe sit down and have a real talk when they have calmed down.
     
  9. looking for me

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    just to add to my last, the Pflag website has some great info for kids of gay adults.
     
  10. CrazyAwkward

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    Like everyone has already said, you did the right thing. Your family might be upset right now, but after the shock wears off I'm sure your kids will be more understanding. You're their dad, and when they realize you being gay won't change that, and that you'll still always be there for them, that should put them at ease. Even your wife should calm down and at least be civil about things after she cools off a little bit, even if it's just for the sake of your kids. Hang in there. Things will get better (*hug*)
     
  11. lb41974

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    Thanks everyone it really does help to all this support .I don't know what I would do with out you all :slight_smile:
     
  12. doinitagain

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    I often tell my friends when they are going though a rought time with family members:

    "You can only keep doing the right thing."

    And believe me, you are doing the right thing. Just keep calm and show the love that your children (and wife) need.
     
  13. Really

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    You didn't ruin anyone's life. Did you say, "I'm gay. Now. Everybody out. And say goodbye to my paycheck."? Thought not. Give them some time, sure, but you're still their father so you can still tell them how not to treat/speak to people ie. you. And then tell your wife to simmer down. This is harder for you than it will ever be for her.

    Sorry, I think I woke up with a bee in my bonnet. I just find that if you don't back down a) you feel better and b) the others will back down naturally.
     
  14. cornell79

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    Wow, just joined. and yours is the first post that I read. My wife found journals I kept before we were married. I finally admitted to her my double life of over 30 years. So humiliated and confused about the future. My kids are 17 and 23. My oldest daughter who I thought would understand because she has several gay friends totally hates me. My son although says he loves me but wishes I had not been deceptive. My wife after her initial shock has been very calm. Because of her religious belief she's totally against homosexuality. So are most of our friends and family. This make this even harder. As you I feel that I have ruined their lives. I need someone to talk to to sort out my feelings.
     
  15. lb41974

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    Thank you all so much for you support I am actually crying because of all it ! I feel so silly now thinking that no body cared
     
  16. PatrickUK

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    Of course we care. You are part of our community and I have always thought we have a responsibility to care for each other. :slight_smile:

    Sometimes in life we have to say things and do things that hurt in the moment but have a greater purpose. In the long run it would be more destructive for you to live in denial and maintain a facade. Not only would it cause profound damage to you as an individual, but it would also damage the very people you love and show so much concern for. You may not be able to see that right now as you are caught up in the midst of an emotionally challenging situation, but when you look through a wider lens it's there to see with some clarity.

    Stay connected and lean on us for love and support. (&&&)
     
  17. SpaceSuit

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    What @PatrickUK said. :wink:. You've got a lot of support here and we honestly want the best for you and your family. (*hug*)
     
  18. Frkldbklvr45

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    Looks like everyone said it already but I too will say that you are cared for. Hugs to you lb41974!
     
  19. Yossarian

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    You have not "ruined anybody's life". If they choose to, they can mess up their own lives, for no good reason at all. 15 and 21 are not "little" kids; they are old enough to be experiencing their own sexuality. They live under the roof you provide and eat the food you provide. Your sexuality is NONE of their business, regardless of what it is. That is an issue only between you and your shrew of a wife, who is not acting at all like an adult herself.

    So you are gay; you are attracted to men; B.F.D. You have taken care of your wife for more than 15 years, provided for her, and most likely made love to her even if your feelings for her were not as strong as they might have been if you were 100% straight. You acted as a responsible adult and accepted responsibility for the child you and she BOTH created as well as the adult child she already had given birth to. I don't care what anyone else thinks, *I* think that is a HEROIC effort on your part to "do the right thing". You seem to be the only adult in the house, with all the women there going into histrionics about what is really at this point a not very serious issue on a scale of 1 to 10, and something which should be dealt with in a mature manner by your wife.

    To the 21 year old, I would probably show her where the front door is if she doesn't like living with you and suggest that she be careful that it does not hit her in the ass on the way out; she is old enough to be taking care of and feeding herself anyway, not living off of you, if she finds you so repulsive. To the 15 year old, I would say that your sexual orientation is none of her business, and that you will be grounding her indefinitely if she ever speaks to you like that again. To your wife, don't say a whole lot of anything, except that you are not seeing anyone else (if that is true) and that you are going to ignore her tantrums if she stops throwing things, and start throwing them back at her if she doesn't. All these theatrics are pure bullshit, and unjustified. You deserve their respect, not their bullying and immature behavior. Whatever you do, do not leave your home, and do not continue to feel "guilty" for being honest and trying to resolve this situation which has become intolerable to you. Go ahead and see that LGBT therapist if you feel you need help on how to deal with this group of antagonistic females you are facing, without feeling guilty for being honest with them. You have done nothing really wrong, just made a mistake 15+ years ago which you have suffered for trying to act responsibly. Meanwhile, hold your head high, and continue to act as a responsible adult; somebody there needs to.
     
  20. SpaceSuit

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    I gotta say, this response has a really negative tone throughout that I did not appreciate and I don't feel is helpful to the situation.