Closeted boyfriend moving to home city

Hi everyone.

I think it has become my time to confide my story on this forum and to ask your advice on my predicament.

I have been dating a guy for 2 years and 3 months. We both live within 3 hours drive from each other, and have been seeing each other every other week on average. My boyfriend is originally from a different country in Europe, which is less tolerant than the one where we are in now. In his home city, my boyfriend is out only to a handful of friends, but not to his family and others. On the other hand, I am out to my friends, some colleagues and family.

From the beginning of our relationship, I knew that he was not out at home, and I always said it'd not bother me, unless it'd have a major impact on our relationship. I used to be in a long term relationship (living together) with a man, whose parents also used to live abroad and didn't know about the nature of our relationship (we were flatmates to them). It was never an issue for me, and I was not expecting it to become an issue with my current boyfriend. He was very affectionate with me otherwise, even in public (something I have myself not been comfortable with). We went on trips together, he introduced me to his friends, etc.

At some point in our relationship my boyfriend started to complain that he is terribly homesick and that he wants to consider relocating back to his home country. I tried to talk to him about what it'd mean for our relationship, and we kind of both came to the conclusion that I'd follow him there. Of course, it meant that he'll have to deal with coming out issues at home. He always insisted that he needs to be out to his parents to take the next step in the relationship if he returns back to his country. At the time of our conversation, it was rather unlikely that he'd manage to move back due to the economic crisis and lack of vacancies in his home city. However, last month he was suddenly offered a job there, with really great conditions that he could not refuse.

Needless to say, I became very stressed when I learned about the job offer. We had a long discussion about the consequences of his move there, and tried to make up a plan. Initially, we agreed that he would go back home and will take time (we set a tentative deadline of 6 months) to deal with the issues with his family. Then, I'd be able to join him. He was, however, never certain he would be able to come out. I need to mention that he comes from a problematic family, and his parents basically stayed together because of him and his sister. So, he felt like if he comes out to them, they might blame themselves for it and possibly split. Another agreement that we had that he would try to go home and try to come out to his sister, at least.

Last week he went home to finalize the details of his job offer and to attempt a talk with his sister. Despite his attempts to give hints to her and even his parents (discussing gay marriage, telling them that living abroad changes the person, etc.), he still failed to bring up the issue, even though he claims he tried. On the night when he failed to talk to his sister, I received some bad family news from my father. I have already been bottling up a lot of stress for a while, and combined with the latest news, I exploded and sent a barrage of mean-spirited messages to him, calling him a coward and an egoist.

Next day he came back and called me. During the long conversation that we had, he told me that we need to break up. That our relationship was putting a lot of stress on his shoulders, that he was not sure anymore if he wants to be with someone when he goes back home. He told me that he basically needs time on his own to figure out whether he wants any relationship at all, that he will see a psychologist when he goes back, and that he just basically needs to be alone when he tries to resume his life back home. He has serious anxiety issues that can definitely motivate why is feeling so stressed now. Besides, he is not good in taking decisions. Even buying a jacket or an electronic gadget can take him a few weeks, if not more, because he cannot decide.

I was really heart-broken after he told me his about decision, but had nothing to do but to accept his wish. He told me that we can remain in contact in the meanwhile and even see each other, but there is no commitment to stay together once he moves back. At first I accepted his proposal, but then withdrew. I simply cannot see him again, knowing that it might be the last time we meet. I tried to read about coming out issues and understand what he feels, and ended up begging him to stay through the hard moment together, willing to give him time and freedom to work on his issues, to attend therapy, etc. He was adamant in refusing, and reiterated that he needs to be alone to feel calm to resume his life and to work on himself.

In the end I had no other choice than to accept his position, and told him that it was wrong for me to propose to wait for him. It was wrong because I simply cannot put my own emotional well-being at stake for a person who is not able to commit to working on his coming out within any reasonable time frame (his own words were: "it might take days, months, years, or forever"). I deserve happiness too. When I told him this, he said that we can have another discussion in a months or so (after my holiday abroad). He told me that he will not be dating anyone else in the meanwhile and does not want to have sex with anyone else.

Help me... I'm confused and don't know what to do. I still have a lot of feelings for him and the part of me wants to stay and wait for him, while he is dealing with his personal issues. On the other side, I simply cannot allow myself to continue living as a sad and depressed dumpee, waiting on him without any clarity. I'm torn. I want to feel love, understanding and support, but I end up giving all of it to him without any clear hope for things to get better. :tears::tears::tears:

 

Thank you everyone for the beautiful words of encouragement. I keep telling myself that moving on is indeed the best and healthiest option for me, given the circumstances. However, when I think about the concrete implementation of it, I feel confused. What does it mean to move forward now?... I have a few question that largely remain unresolved for me as I am going through this process:

1. Contact policy: He said we should remain in contact, although in a limited way. I hesitated initially, as I know that the rule number 1 of a healthy breakup is to cut all communication. However, it hurts me even more to completely cut him off now. He even mentioned that he found it nice when I sent him a message the other day, telling about the movie I was watching and suggesting him to watch it too. However, he did not like the long chat we had when we tried to discuss things. What do you think the best approach to the contact policy should be: 1) muster all the strength and cut the contact for now; 2) remain available to him, but not initiate the contact; 3) stay in the background, periodically checking on how he's doing.

2. He will remain in the place where he lives now for at least the following two months, or even longer, waiting for the bureaucracy to be handled in his home country. I will be leaving on an extended work visit in Asia for 4 months in January (what a great opportunity it is for me, given the situation!). Should we see each other before I leave, if he wants to? I know it'd hurt me as hell to see him thinking that we broke up, but can you really just leave someone via a phone call, without ever saying proper goodbye?

3. I'm confident that dating other people right now will be a very bad idea, but people do have rebound relationships and somehow it feels it might be a super ego boost. Still, I think I should avoid it, as I am definitely not over my ex now. However, I cannot remain single waiting for him without a clear deadline in sight. It is not a healthy situation. If I decide to date other people, should I tell him? I don't want to do anything that might put pressure on him, but I cannot be the one who is bottling the stress and unhappiness inside. It is NOT healthy, neither for me, nor for him, I guess.

 

Thank you everyone for posting and further suggestions. I think the most important thing for me now is to take care of myself in the way I see fit for me. He chose what he chose based on his own internal accounting, and I think his choice reflects his life expectations. Knowing his personality, I know that he is probably constantly rethinking if he did the right thing, but it is not my task to convince him now to give us another chance or to make him believe that the relationship with me is better than living a closeted life in his home country. This is a decision he needs to take for himself, and he has probably taken it already. I tend to operate from the assumption that being out is the best choice we can make, because there is nothing better than being true to yourself. However, I understand that this is probably not the best choice for everyone.

I have chosen not to pressure him further with questioning, etc. I'd be open to discuss things with him if he feels a need to, but I am not going to be the one seeking it. I will not jump on the dating bandwagon now. I still feel hurt and sad from this loss. Moreover, I will be working in Asia for four months starting in January. It'll be a good time for me to reflect, heal and prepare myself to move on with my life after I return home. If he will still decide he wants to be with me at some point, I will probably consider it, if I will be free then. If not, it's his problem, not mine.

I love him, I wish him the best, but if I am not the one to make him happy, there is nothing I can do about it.

 

Thank you, guys, for your kind words.

An update here: we have exchanged a few e-mails in the last few days and mutually agreed to let each other go. It was all nice and very civilized. My ex is a nice guy, and needs to figure out how to integrate being gay into his identity in his home country. I have a feeling he is preparing himself for a coming out (he mentions going into therapy, attempting to start talks with his family), but I am not a clairvoyant. I know I love him, but I let him go with peace inside me. He is off on probably the most important journey of his life, and deep inside I am happy for him. This is how he ended his e-mail: "I have to work [on myself], and a lot, and yes, I deserve to be happy as anyone else and this is something you taught me more than anyone." I'm happy that he got this message.