Coming out to yourself

HELL YES, I can relate. The first time I actually recognized that I was attracted to a guy, I immediately started remembering moments from years ago that I had completely buried. I also realized that I had loved the guy I was talking to from the moment I had met him a couple of years earlier. It was a weird, kind of fun, kind of shame-inducing, kind of freaky journey of self-discovery. Remembering flipping out at a McDonald's employee for giving me the "boy" happy meal toy without asking, watching Rainbow Bright over and over again, my discovery of Internet porn (due to my obsession with sonic the hedgehog and StarFox, oddly enough... also explains a lot... )

 

I, and many others can relate, BIG TIME!

Speaking for myself, it's as if I suddenly woke up with a new pair of eyes. Suddenly all of my past made perfect sense, the world changed completely!

I'm a past master at self-deception and all its varieties (read my early blogs) it is totally mind-blowing how, if you can't believe something, you simply will not see it.

It is all of the above, the excitement, the challenge, the plans and finally confronting the issue of coming out...it happens all at once, with such forehead-slapping clarity, that it is impossible to go back into that dark and silent closet.

Congratulations, this is the most important coming-out of all!

 

Coming out to yourself is sometimes harder than coming out to other people! I had a hard time with it because I was raised under homophobic beliefs so I myself was homophobic. I actually was so in denial that I was looking at not fully clothed men online (take that as you wish) yet I was telling myself that I was 100% straight, while fully knowing that I had no attraction to females. Once I fully labeled myself as gay, I felt immense relief. It was joy mixed with fear, because once you manage to come out to yourself, you then think about others. What will family think, what will friends think... The great thing is that usually, coming out to others doesn't result in misery. I had problems with my family but they are progressively getting better and it's wonderful I hope you do well with your self discovery and I hope everything works out (*hug*)

 

I can totally relate to this and I'm sure the majority of people on EC will be able to as well.

For me, when I realised that all the feelings I'd had in the past pointed towards me being gay, everything seemed to make sense and one thing after another clicked into place immediately.

The time I wanted a kitchen for christmas, only ever watching Disney singalong movies, using felt tips to paint my nails, watching kids tv and finding every male presenter nice looking, having an obsession with spice girls and with destiny's child, realising that I didn't understand why lads wanted to look at naked women all the time....

Specific memories from me being about 5 years old and upwards seemed to make sense and clarified these weird feelings in my head and from then on I felt truly happy as I knew exactly why I felt different to other lads my age and knew that I was completely normal but with different preferences.

It's a weird place to be when you finally come out to yourself and I understand that you can feel completely lonely at times, but plenty of other people are going through the same thing and EC is probably one of the best mediums to speak to like-minded people and get the support you need. The road to coming out is a bumpy one and it's definitely not always smooth for sure but once you do, you realise what true happiness is and realise finally, what it's like to not have such a huge burden on your shoulders!

 

Makes lots of cents to me... I have just recently reached a point that I am even close to coming out to myself.. after 20 years of trying everything possible to avoid it... I am determined, after many attempts in the past, to accept myself as I am this time.

 

It took me watching a calm sunrise evey morning behind mountain peaks while on holiday. No distractions, no noises, just myself with the view of the sunrise. Next to me, I had EC on the screen. Reading other people's stories, scrolling through the threads. Relating them to myself. The final sunrise of the final morning, I woke and said to myself, "I am Gay". It was the most liberating conclusion I have ever made, and I shall never look back.

 

Oh my goodness I forgot to mention this type of thing too. Once realizing I was gay, all my seemingly abnormal traits as a younger boy seemed to make sense. I used to only like the female wrestlers in the WWE because I loved how pretty they looked, and I was a mega Lady Gaga fan, and I remember being in grade 2 and wanting to kiss a boy in my grade, and the thought of it gave me this weird feeling inside. I thought the feeling was bad at the time because "boys don't kiss other boys", but after coming out to myself I realized that I likely had butterflies.

Also the fact that I didn't feel anything when looking at naked women, while all other guys got "boners". I felt like a freak because I didn't feel turned on as a 13/14 year old looking at attractive women. Now it all makes sense to me

---------- Post added 29th Oct 2014 at 04:38 PM ----------

I got chills reading that, wow.

 

I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel.

 

I can completely relate to this! Coming out to yourself, while terrifying at first, is one of the best feelings in the world. When I came out to myself everything just sort of clicked and a lot of the things that I never understood about myself became clearer. It was probably one of the most terrifying things that I have ever done, but I wouldn't go back to thinking I was straight for a second.

 

I completely relate to this. Looking back I was terribly feminine as kid, there was no way I could of been straight. I played "barbies" with my sister and her friends, few friends I did have were female, loved Madonna and Mariah Carey etc.

 

I procrastinated a lot. It sort of entered my head at 14 that I wasn't attracted to guys and that I sort of liked girls but I don't think I was mature enough at that time to really be interested in anyone. So I pushed it to the back of my head and forgot about it while I did other more important things... Like paying video games.
It wasn't until I was 18 that started actually feeling proper attraction to anyone and then the next year I figured out why I kept looking at girls and when I admitted it to myself it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders but at the same time I wanted to bash my head against a wall because I knew that this is one of those annoying things that makes stuff harder :bang: But I'm ok with it I just bob along doing my own thing as always.

 

I know in my case it happened really early, but it definitely was confusing and emotional in my experience. I realized I wasn't straight when I was about 11, although looking back I showed signs when I was as young as 8. When I was 13 I finally became comfortable with considering myself bisexual, and I came out to my friends as bi. All of them have been nothing but supportive. At 14, however, I began to realize I don't really have any attraction towards guys at all and had to learn to reaccept myself as a lesbian.

 

@RavienClaw Oh hey that's me too! Had early signs, but didn't really look into it until this year. Love the quote btw.

 

Sure I can relate!

It took me a few years to completely accept my sexuality, and I had been feeling exactly like you described. At first I didn't want to believe that all of this might be true. I was trying to blame it on watching porn with guys in it, but even waching only lesbian porn couldn't erase that part of me. So after that I started to think seriously about the possibility of me being gay, and the consequences of coming out and such. But eventually my true self won the battle against my logic, and finally I could say: "Yes, I'm attracted to males too. And that's fine with me."
It was a huge relief, not getting angry or fearful or doubtful about this part of myself. After a while I gave myself double and triple facepalms as certain memories of my past started to resurface, that gave hints all along that I have never been straight. I couldn't believe I ignored these signs. You can read about some of them in my story: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/156269-introduction-seeking-advice.html

 

Of course we can. For some, they can get their head around it and come to a conclusion quickly (my partner being one of them, he never seemed to have the outside negative reinforcements to deter him), and others take time (It took me till I was in my 40s). If you just want to be gay and be that - then so be it! What are you waiting for?