So i just kinda wanted to talk to some people about my situation. To start with i'm a gay guy, im basically out, I told my mum when I was like 16, I assume my dad kinda knows and if he asked i'd tell him but I don't really get along with him so I just generally dont really talk to him. But the rest of the world knows. I met this guy a few months ago, he lives out of town but I travel there a fair amount and so I met him and we went out for dinner. We both had a really good time, but by the end of the night I had no idea whether he was gay or bi, or if I should have made a move. I didn't and then went home but kept in contact, basically we had been chatting alot before I met him and then afterwards we were talking everyday. Eventually after a few too many wines one night I brought it up and mentioned I wanted to kiss him but wasn't sure what was even happening between us, but he told me he felt the same. Long story short, this has now become a long distance relationship. I've gone up to see him and he's come down to see me but I am the first guy he's ever been in a relationship with. I have no problem with it, and he's even moving down to live in the same city as me in the new year. The one thing thats started creeping on my mind is how long i'll be talked about as his 'friend' He has told me alot of his friends where he lives are a bit homophobic, and that he's been looking to get out and have a fresh start anyway which I get. I'm not going to push him out when I know he's not ready, but at the same time i'm like well whats going to be said about me when inevitably more and more people start to ask about me. He's coming with me to my hometown for new years eve to meet my friends, so i'm hoping that they all get along and that hopefully it can kinda be more of a positive experiance for him to kinda guide him slightly more out. I've kinda just rambled alot so this may be a thread nobody looks over or replies too haha, I don't get out into the gay scene very much so would be cool to just have a few people I can chat too about things like this
Does his "fresh start" include coming out in general when he moves to your town? Are you planning on coming out also when he moves to your town? It will not really be a fresh start if he wants to continue to be closeted, and you really have not said whether you are planning on coming out as a gay couple if you two move in together. How do you feel about being out with him, or being out while he is still "in"?
Hi there I think in some way I can relate to your "friend" in the sense that I have been the closeted one in my own relationships. The worst thing you could do is to put pressure on him to come out... In my case it ruined every relationship I've been in up to my current bf who gave me the time and space to get used to the idea and test the water slowly until I felt comfortable coming out. So my advice to you is to give him time, if he feels secure in the relationship he has with you and when you become the emotional support system on which he can rely and depend on, he will become comfortable with the idea of coming out. It's a case of knowing he has a better life prospect with you than what he currently has with his family... Don't know if that makes sense but in my case my whole life revolved around my family and I didn't want to risk loosing them by coming out... Ending up alone scared the living daylights out of me... I met my BF and he became more important to me over time and so the risk of ending up alone became slimmer so it was safer and more comfortable to come out as I had my BF to support me. Hope that helps!
Yossarian: I am out, everyone except a few family members know I am gay. We aren't moving in together just yet, we've only been dating a few months now. He's just moving to the same city i'm in. He was planning on leaving the country just to get away from where he is now, we're both in our early 20's. I love being with him, leaving to come back to my city at the end of our trips always sucks so bad when I know he's so far away till we get to see each other again. I guess with him moving here he'll be looking at for a place with roommates that don't care about his sexuality cause chances are we'll be over at each others place all the time. So in that sense we'll be an out gay couple with our roommates knowing, and my own friends both here and down in my hometown know i'm dating him, they just havent had a chance to meet him yet cause when we are visiting each other we mostly are jsut squeezing as much time as we can from each other. I guess the main thing is i'm wondering how long I would be happy for him to refer to me as a friend to some of his other friends and family. Ditz: Yeah that makes sense, I mean i'm happy with him, and he's happy with me. Some of both his and my own past relationships haven't been the best, so we've both decided to take things slow between us. We aren't rushing anything like moving in or anything like that just yet. I guess my biggest worry is eventually getting to that stage and still just being reffered to as a friend or a roommate if that stage was to come in our relationship. I want him to be comfortable but I don't want to always have to hide our relationship around certain people in his life
I don't think you have to worry too much about that... I'm pretty sure once he has build up a new group of friends that know you're a couple and he gets used to to that being the norm he will let his gaurd down and slowly come out. I pretty much lived a double live with my old friends whom I grew up with and my family being completely In the dark (although they had their suspicions) and all my new friends knowing. I was terrified of my parents finding out as I didn't want to disappoint them... So when my bf was around I also refered to him as my friend... Thing is, the family figured it out pretty quickly until my mom couldn't take it any more and confronted me with it... Probably the hardest day of my life but my world didn't come to an end. Your BF is probably in a similar place and the realities are that people will figure it out pretty quickly and eventually confront him about it... If he is used to a portion of the people in his life knowing, it may become less of monster and he will end up dealing with it. Give him the necessary space to come out in his own time... If you're the one that he wants to spend the rest of his life with he will take that step, it's a natural progression that will eventually happen.
Dating a closeted guy can be hard. Just be careful about it. Sometimes holding their hands while they go through the process (figuratively) can be helpful, sometimes helping to provide the stability, the rock, can be huge. You can't force it, it has to be natural, and when he feels comfortable, and when he wants to do it. I wish there was an easier way. But it has to be what he wants, and when he wants. Best of luck!
Your lucky in a way in my opinion. I'm way to of a B**** to even confess my feelings to other guys (Straight, gay, or closeted). I hope you guys turn out well!
If you are willing to give him the time and emotional support he seems to need to come out, while being out yourself, and being referred as "my friend" instead of "my boyfriend", then I don't see why you can't at least give the situation a try. It is really about how comfortable YOU feel; you are essentially out, so you don't have a lot to lose as long as not being recognized as his partner doesn't bother you. If he starts to get paranoid and refuses to go places with you after the two of you are seen together a lot, and this isn't changing after a while, then you might have to reconsider how long you want to give him to work through his emotions. You will know if and when you have had enough and need to either come out WITH him, or move on to a different and more symmetric relationship.
