My friend, let's call her Princess Pumpkin, is the most awesome person in the world. I've also been kinda crushing on her for a bit for years, but that's not going to happen..we're both w long term partners..and she's starting a fam...sigh...maybe in another life... Anyway, I've basically decided Princess is my best friend. I haven't told her tbat yet. Shes an ideal best friend because she doesnt know my other close friends that well, and she knows me well, and I trust her. She's my mentor/boss at work; Ive known her a few years now. She's super liberal and is heavily flirty. She's older than me by a few years. She's always kind of teasing me, which I eat up. It makes me melt. She's said many things in support of lgbt things, and genderfuckery. Like how it'd be awesome for a guy to take a girl's last name getting married, or how hot a guy ignoring gender stereotypes is. It makes me dream of filling that role for her. I really want to tell her I'm bisexual. Maybe even genderflexible...but that's far down the road...but we're hardly ever alone anymore. We used to share an office but now we're in a giant cube farm. No more closed-door gossip sessions. We had a lunch "date" the other day and I almost came out to her as bi, like I wanted for so long. But this masculine or rational or realist feeling came over me, like if I said something she'd just say "what the fuck?" Or think I was lame. Or I'd wonder what the point was. I think I imagine telling her, then us having this close touchy relationship where we can gossip about hot guys, when in actuality it might be far from that. And that terrifies me. She has a kid now too, so I feel like I missed the fun wagon. Anyway the voice stopping me is super loud and powerful. How do I silence it? How do I tell my first real friend? I dont know if it's her intimidating presence (older, crush worthy, teasing), my insecurities, ortbe fact that I'm sure we'll never be together as a couple that's stopping me from telling her. Ugh.
I've never come out formally to anyone. People who know my sexuality are people that found out through casual conversation. I don't know if this is your style, but maybe try to just slip it into conversation. Next time she is taking about LGBTQA+ stuff? I dunno, that is how I have done it so far. It may not be your style.
I like your idea. The trouble is...because we work in a place where everybody can hear everybody, whether they want to listen or not, and because we're hardly alone anymore, I feel like the chances to havdethat talk are now few and far between. So I may have to bring up the conversation, instead of slipping it in. The last time I felt so stubborn and like I had to act manly or something, which felt awful, and I couldnt open my mouth to say it. Usually I feel more open and relaxed with her. Maybe my brain is trying to protect me from making a colossal mistake, but it's really frustrating.
