I fell in love with a (straight?) man...

I honestly don't know what to do, and I really need to let out my emotions, so I'm going to blabber away here. Sorry the post is going to be long.

I never in my life have this much feelings for someone like this before. I'm 21 years old, a college student, and still closeted. Only a few of my closest friends know I'm gay. When I was about 17, one day while hanging with one of my close friend at the gym, my friend met up with this guy. Instantly, at first sight, I felt a rock hit my stomach. He was 16, the most handsome guy I have ever met, had the smile of an angel, and had the sweetest little dimples on his cheeks. He needed a ride home so I offered him to take him home.

After dropping him off, I did what any guy will do after meeting someone attractive. I found him on Facebook and sent him a request. From there, we became friends, and we would eventually start going to parties and hanging out together. We spent my 19th birthday together... Just us two alone, with a very large bottle of vodka. It is still the best night of my life. (We just drank and do what any guy friends would do). The more and more I would see him, I fell deeper and deeper for him. Never once have I even mention anything about my love to him. We became really good friends. I would pick him up pretty often, maybe 3 times a week, even though he lived almost a hour away to hangout.

I know for a fact that he's 99% straight. But that 1% is helping me keep my hopes up. I remember this one time when we were over a mutual friend's house, he asked me if I wanted to "york" him. I was caught off guard, and didn't know how to answer. My other friend came into the room before I could get a word out of my mouth, so we just acted like nothing happened. He's the most beautiful guy I have ever met, he has tons of woman that wants to have a relationship with him. But yet, for as long as I know him, he never dated. He also told me that the one time he got laid by a female, he "couldn't get it up". He waxes his eye brows, wears chains, spends more money than he should on clothing. Cares about his physical appearance more than me. The girls he find attractive are the ones that everyone finds "attractive" such as Selina Gomez or Ariana Grande. There's a part in me that tells me he might be closeted, but then there's the other 99% that tells me hes not. I'm terrified that if I confess to him, I might lose him forever. I once did ask him what his opinion on gay people, and he said that he accepts them and believes in equality. But the thing is... Even if he WAS gay, I wouldn't think he would love me like that. He's a solid 10, muscular, one of the prettiest faces on earth, funny, adorable, and has one of the purest hearts I know. While I'm maybe a 5 with the right amount of lighting and angle, skinny, and overall not the guy every girl would go heads over heals for. He is. Even some of my other straight friends accepted the fact that hes a "sexy beast".

Everything went good until this one night. We got into a heated argument. And it got worse and worse. He wanted to do steroids to get bigger and more muscular. A piece inside me cares about him. so much that I don't want him to do any harm to his body. I tried to talk him out of it. Deep inside, I wanted to tell him right and there how perfect he already is. That he doesn't need anything to make him look better. That if I could, would call you my soul mate. But he ultimately chose to prioritize it over me. I told him that I would be extremely upset if he does it, but he kind of just blew me off. At that moment, I realized that he does not feel the same way I felt toward him.

After that night, I decided that if I continue to be close to him, it would just hurt me more. I tried to avoid him, to hope that it would ease the pain inside me a little. Maybe I can forget about him. Three whole years went by and here I am, posting this thread because it's another one of those sleepless nights thinking about him. I still see him once in awhile here and there, and I'm still friendly to him. He is extremely confused why I stopped talking to him, and asked me many time, but every time, I can not bring myself to tell him the truth. We still talk, but rarely. He would still text me once in awhile to ask if I want to grab dinner and such. Every time I get that text, my heart will sink. I love this guy. More than anything I have ever loved. And I don't know what to do. My life at this moment is a total mess. I'm confused, lost, and don't know how to deal with this. If I could give up all my money fame and fortune for this guy to be with him, I would. But he just don't see it.

I'm not afraid of confessing to him, I'm terrified of being rejected by him. I'm not ready to come out yet, and to think that he might tell other people really makes me retreat back to my shell. But this feeling I get, every time I would hear his name, or a song about love on the radio, my heart will instantly drop. I really don't know what to do. A part of me wishes that I would of never met him. Because it has cause nothing but pain and endless tears. I really needed to express my feelings, but I don't know where. So I'm here hoping someone here must had a similar experience, hoping that someone can ease my pain a little.

 

Thanks for your response, and the advice. But I really wish it's that simple :/ I do know the harm of steroids and any enhancers to your body, but he just won't listen. His mind set is set. He's also beginning to "experiment" with some other drugs too... He's breaking my already broken heart

 

Oh no hes not pressuring me to do anything. He wants (well he already is...) to do it, but I really don't want him to do any harm to his body because I care so much about him. The thing is he does not know how I feel about him, so it makes everything so much more complicated.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2014 at 05:59 PM ----------

Thanks for your advice. I'm really thinking about telling him, but I know he's not the type of man that keeps his mouth shut. So I'm really afraid of telling him because being "forced" out at my current stance in life will ruin a lot of things for me :/