First time in my life I told the truth about myself

Probably this is not what you call "coming out", but I feel like sharing it with you, hopefully you can give me some advice, I'm really confused about this...

Ok, I just met someone recently. This relationship looks promising, the person is really my cup of tea and he has been very verbal about his feelings towards me. It is going too fast in my opinion, but I'm not scared of anything... I keep an eye open, sure, but I'm not stopping myself of enjoying what's going on : You only live twice, as the song says...

I decided to be sincere with him and so it happened in a matter of seconds... I "came out".

For the very first time in my life I told someone, face to face, that I'm not what I look like. To my surprise he didn't ran away : He had trans friends and it was allright.

This happened before we had intimate contact. I suspected he was just trying to get what he wanted and then I'd never see him again. I was wrong. We've just started what you could call "a relationship" : Get to know each other, spend time together, exchange sms, etc...
He was curious about what kind of (physical) changes I'll make in the future. I was honest to him, and he seemed to accept it, but I can sense he is having from time to time difficulties accepting that he is with a man... It's not the same thing to have a trans friend than a trans lover :rolle:
He also told me, he felt attracted to me as a woman at the beginning. I suspect that what I told him definitely surprised him, even if I've got my short hair and my clothing leaves no room for doubts...

I've got the feeling he is really interested, and so am I. Still, I'm not sure if this is really coming out or not. It feels like a personal milestone to me.

I haven't talked about this in RL. I had the intention of making an appointment with a LGTB center, but it seems nearly impossible with a high demanding job, lack of sleep... I'm not sure why do I feel like talking about it, when inside of me everything is so clear... I guess I'm still having the silly hope that someone tells me I'm just confused...

I start to feel, I should come out to everyone : Job, friends, relatives, etc... But I'm not sure if I can deal with it... I'm also not sure if I just f... up again by coming out to this person. All I know is that I'm fed up of trying to pretend to be someone I'm definitely not.

Sorry, I know it's a mess, but after this experience, I feel like I can't go back, I must go all the way throught... Still I'm not sure at all about it, because afterwards there is no turning back, and I've just started a new job that I absolutely adore...

Any advice is welcome :help:

 

Thank you, guys. It's good to feel understood, finally...
@lb41974 I'll try to take it easy, even if it felt so overwhelming. I've been lying about myself for too long in front of others. To be open about something so private is new for me.
@USxUK I'd definitely let you know... I'm trying to give subtle hints and tips around, to the people that matter to me, with the hope that when I tell them directly, they'll feel surprised, not shocked.

 

Some of you asked about updates, and I'm feeling now confused again and in need of good advice, so here it goes...

A month of up and downs, very sweet moments (home made cooking, hugs, me buying him flowers...) ... All was going well, until the unavoidable happened : Two different personalities crashed like a giant wave.
I stopped talking to him because I was fed up with his "now I want you, now I don't say a word for three days and then come back later with an apology". It doesn't take that much time to write an sms with the words "busy, we'll talk in a few days" or "I'm super busy at my job" or whatever... I'm not the kind of person who will flood you with sms every second, but if you are writing to me good night every day, and then suddenly dissapear for three damned days, well, expect me to worry a bit... And if I just write "are you ok?" and you ignore me, I'm going to feel pissed...
Which lead me to think "ok, I don't have the wish for anyone trying mindgames or control techniques", so I stopped reading the sms and answering his calls. I erased the damned number and throwed the few memories I got from him away. I was done. Over. Finitto.

... Until one day I just throught "ok, I'm done", so I read the sms. He told me he was gone. I felt glad, I really did. Now I was free from him... But it hurt. On my imagination I just pictured a train leaving... After a few hours of thinking it over, I just wrote to him that I had no idea about it, but I would like to stay in touch... I was expecting an sms with an adress or something, but instead he wrote that everything had gone wrong and now he had no idea what he was going to do.

Shit, I thought... Oh, hell, no, please, not again...

I know... I'm an asshole. Instead of thinking about his well being, instead of being worried, my reaction was only focused on how I felt. I'm not going to try to use this as excuse, but I've recently (and finally) accepted who I am, so I admit I'm on a kind of ego trip. I care about my own well being the most. I have become my own protector and guardian. Maybe too much, I don't know...

Ok... After a few empty promises of me about giving him a call, and then calling him and him not picking it up or even bothering to call/sms me back (good old tradition here, drives me nuts), he just called me today hysterical, telling me about how deep in shit he was (I had been in deep shit too, and I never went to him whinning, hell, he even had no idea!!!)... He didn't seem very convinced of my suggestion of how to deal with his own problems alone, he was still hysterical and not hearing a word of what I was saying. He hung up. I felt furious and turned my phone off...

... And the fool I am... Ten minutes later I turned it on and there it was : An sms asking me to stay at my place for a while until he could get things sorted out.

Ok, I knew he had no money, even if he boasted about how rich he was. You just notice when someone doesn't have a penny : The place he lived, the clothes... And there was something desperate about him, something that struck me from the beginning... I've been told I look fragile a million times, but looks aren't everything. In my life I've been through such rough times, you would wonder why I'm still alive. I never asked a friend for anything. If ever, it was money, and I paid each and every loan with an extra from me. And by the way, I've been hungry, but never homeless.

I knew he was poor and not having a job. Why did he had to make all this show? What the hell does he want from me? I can't stop thinking this is only a very good calculated mindgame, and the guy is having a hidden agenda. Or that the guy has some kind of mental issue.

... And still... I'm right now recovering from grief, beginning to deal with my gender issues, and besides my job and this place, I've got nobody to talk to. My coworkers are really nice people, but I don't want to get involved emotionally with them. Same goes to go out and try to socialize, even if I crave someone to love badly.

As you've guessed, I ended up calling him back and telling him to come back to me and stay. I told him to send an sms with the hour and the train he'll be coming. And then the whole day he starts to send me bs about "I don't want to stay with you because I'm desperate for a place, I'll stay because of the relationship we are going to build together".
I answered as carefully as I could "You are important to me", things like that, not getting into the "oh-I-love-you-so" trip, because I do not love him, I barely know him and he pisses me off badly often... And of course I don't trust him my heart... I just need someone to stay with me right now... Someone who will be there and make me company... And he is a good cook, and his social skills are brilliant...

Maybe I'm an asshole... Maybe I am the one who is sick here... I don't know... At the end I got so pissed off that I told him again "Look, I am a man looking for a woman, and what I love is the woman in you"... He didn't answered. I hope he is scared, I really do... I hope he realizes what he is getting into. He is going to be with a man, and therefore either he acts entirely as a man (not whinning) or as a woman (stop treating me as if I were a kid).

... I think he wouldn't steal anything, and there is nothing to be stolen here, but what about my sanity... I'm not sure I made the right decission, but I've been feeling so lonely, I just have to give in...

I don't know how to get out of this mess... Am I too scared, too coward? Am I an asshole? Am I a fool in love with a woman that doesn't exist? He makes me feel like a man sometimes... Sometimes I am the only one keeping calm and rational, while he goes... well, emotional and whinny. He told me a million things about himself, he also cried a lot, and I mean really crying, it wasn't a show...

I don't know if I'm ready to deal with this... Right now my head hurts, and I feel twice as lonely...
Any advice from you will be really appreciated. I don't feel like getting drunk now, I don't think it's going to help... I want to learn to cope with relationship troubles without alcohol.

 

I seem to be a magnet for all kind of drama, even when I'm trying as hard as I can to stay out of troubles : Drama and Troubles look for me and they find me. My life seems to be a neverending emotional rollercoaster, getting into troubles, staying with the troubles, and getitng rid of the troubles, unless I stay inside the house all day, which is not an option...

I'm just tired of being always the rock on the relationship, I have my emotional needs to. The trouble is that to know I'm needed, proves my masculinity, and for someone in my situation it's a very addictive feeling, you know.

Someone told me recently that "there is people who seem to attract such stuff". The guys that come to me seem always in the need for protection or, plain and simple, a mother figure. The man I'm talking about had an alcoholic mother, and he is not over it. He can be using this to make me soft about him, or he can be telling the truth. I have the feeling that maybe it's a mix of both.

What I'd kill to know is what does he exactly want from me. This is one of the reasons why I don't break up : My analysis of this personality is not complete...

I agree with you. No, I'm not starting here no relationship, even if he is pestering me all the time with his pseudoromantic bs. The question is if I have the strenght right now to go through all this. I think that the words "curiosity killed the cat" are true in my case. I feel too curious about his motives to be honest.

(... Or at least I hope I'm not bs myself again...)

Thank you for the post.