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Sick of hiding, terrified of telling

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sofie, Nov 2, 2014.

  1. sofie

    sofie Guest

    I'm 22 and I have been questioning for about 2 years now. I have had two serious relationships in my teens with men and I did love them at the time. Now, however I have no interest in men, I think about women all the time and I can only see myself with a woman in the future. My only experience with a woman is kissing and I've always enjoyed kissing girls more than boys but repressed those "wrong" feelings.

    I grew up in a very small town where being gay was very weird and frowned upon and I kinda knew I was at least bi when 10 but as I said, had to repress it because it wasn't right in the eyes of the community I grew up in. I had no gay role models as a kid and it's only now I've started to look at coming out videos or reading books with a lesbian couple that I truly feel like I am myself and that being gay is what I am and I'm okay with it.

    I think I should mention that I have been going trough a period of depression and self-hatred since about the age of 14 and mostly due to me repressing such a big part of myself. And now, when I have had counseling for years I have come to terms with myself and it's still tricky at times.

    I'm not okay with my family or other people in my life finding out though. I'm terrified they will shut me out of their lives and I'll be alone. I'm at a loss of what to do and I would appreciate some advice.

    The main issue is that I am sick of hiding and not being able to be myself, it makes my mental health worse, but at the same time the thought of telling my family makes me ill. Some of my close friends know and they're all very supportive but they're all straight and I have no one to talk about this stuff..

    I'd appreciate all the advice and support I could get, thank you!
     
  2. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Most of us go on on quite a journey before coming out, especially to our parents. For some it's easier than others, but there can be a lot of pain and distress along the way. In joining this forum you have found a place where you can get support and share your feelings without fear, so well done in creating this thread.

    I think you would agree that coming out to your parents will be the end of the process rather than an immediate concern, so let's park that idea for now and come back to it.

    As things stand, what can you do? From your introduction on the Welcome thread I noticed you are now studying at college and enjoying it a lot. One of the best ways to build your confidence is to check out LGBT clubs/societies at your college and start making friends with like minded people. These are people you can be yourself amongst and lean on for support. It will give you a new found feeling of freedom and may help to lift some of the gloom that has been part of your life for too long. Having a support network is important when it comes to taking the bigger steps on the coming out journey (eg. telling your parents). A support network gives you something/some people to turn to and lean on. When you have that in place the idea of coming out to other people may not seem so daunting or scary. Would that seem to be a way forward to you? It's really about taking positive steps in the right direction rather than a great big leap immediately.

    When it does come to telling your parents there are options, but for now friendship and confidence building would seem to be the best bet. What do you think?
     
    #2 PatrickUK, Nov 2, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2014
  3. sofie

    sofie Guest

    I am in college and I have been at the lookout for LGBTQ+ communities and there is one that I have joined. I'm really scared to go to their activities though but I did go to one the other week and that was ok, we watched a movie together and not a lot of people showed up which did make it easier since I'm not great with large groups of people.

    In a few weeks time my college will have a "pride week" and I'm really excited about it. I am scared I'll say something or my family or other people will somehow find out that I'm in this group and I don't know, I'm really scared of being myself here and accidentally let something slip to my parents and have them find out the "wrong way".

    I hope that this group at school will help a lot, I like how I can be myself for a few hours. In the town I live in there is a LGBTcafé that is open a few days a week starting this Tuesday so I might go there to try and reach out and meet more people like me. I just hope I can "fit in". I know this is such a silly thing to worry about but I feel like I'm so new to this and that I won't be accepted because of my inexperience within the community.
    Is that something I need worry about? Anyone that knows?

    Your advice is great, I am trying to see my coming out to my parents as the end of the process, but it's just always there in the back of my mind. Lying sucks but I'm grateful I live on my own so I don't have to tell my parents everything.

    Thank you very much for your advice PatrickUK!
     
  4. gazwkd

    gazwkd Guest

    You're not supposed to 'fit in' you'll be welcomed for the person you are. Just be yourself and you'll be fine and I'm sure they will be more than welcoming. LGBT community groups absolutely love new people :slight_smile: