Hi, This could be a long one, I just need to vent. So I'm 25 and still very much in the closet but lately I feel like I'm gonna explode from bottling everything up and living this lie. I think I'm spiralling out of control a bit and I fear I may even be a bit depressed. I am in a relationship with the most amazing woman in the world and it's killing me that I can't love her the way she deserves to be loved, and it's all because I'm gay. I stupidly thought that if I stayed with her long enough I could change myself but it's been 2 years and I'm at the point now where I've realised I can't do it anymore. To make things worse we were friends first and have the same group of friends so I'm now thinking that if we do break up and I come out I'll lose all my friends, especially her. She'd be an amazing friend through all this. I feel really guilty for putting her through this, it's 2 years where she could have been with somebody better. Then there's my family which is a whole other complicated matter. I have 1 brother who is gay and out. He had moved country when he came out so he didn't see the effect his coming out had with my parents whereas I did as I lived at home at the time. They put on a brave face for him and told him they loved him and everything you'd want to hear if you came out to your parents. I can honestly say I think my father meant it all as he's honestly very easy going and just happy we're happy. My mom on the other hand became very depressed. When I came home from school I would hear her crying in her room. She thought she could hide it as when my dad came home she'd put back on her smile and act normal. Even around me she'd do the same but I was the one who would hear her crying in her room. It's been a number of years and she's come around to him being gay. He even brings his boyfriend for Christmas and she has a good relationship with him but she has told me how me being straight made it easier for her, and she can't wait for me to settle down and give her grankids. I'm afraid if I was to come out it would send her back into that depressive state of her crying alone that she thinks nobody knows about. Also her health isn't the greatest and she has a few big operations ahead of her over the next year and she'll need to her strongest to get through them. So with all that I've bottled everything up and I'm scared cause I find myself drinking a lot to try and numb myself but I've now found myself in a vicious circle as when I drink I get angry and start arguments, never anything physical, but I've ruined some good friendships already. Equally I know I should stop but I drink to try and forget myself. My work is also suffering as I tend not to care anymore and barely do the minimum. I'm sorry for my ramble but I think I just needed to vent a bit. I just wish I was straight. Life would be so much easier. I just feel a lot of shame, and I don't know where to go next but I know I can't stay on this destructive path.
I can't offer much insight into this, as I'm a nerd who has never been within 5 miles of a girl, but, I know the place you're in with you're mum. My mum is a strict catholic, and I've been struggling to come out to her and my dad for a while. You did right to come here, as, since I got here earlier on today, everyone has been so supportive of me. Although this isn't much help, as someone who is also firmly in the closet, there will be someone here who can offer useful, helpful advice. Hope you can find some help in this mindless jibber-jabber of mine! (*hug*)
You should probably sit down with your dad and come out to him, and seek his advice about how to deal with your mother. He dealt well with your brother being gay and should deal well with you being gay also. You will have to find the courage to tell your girlfriend the truth about yourself, whatever happens. You have already mislead her for 2 years, wasting both your times, so she deserves to hear the truth from you about why you are breaking up with her. Your friends, if they are real friends, will accept the truth as an explanation of why you are breaking up with her also. That will makes more sense to them than you dropping her "for no reason at all". The longer you propagate this lie, the harder it will be on the people you are deceiving, and the harder for you to do it. Make it easier on everyone and get it done sooner rather than later.
I agree with Yossarian to an extent. I am very sorry about your situation and i just want you to know that you are not alone. I'm in the closet now just for the sake of one person, my mom. She is the absolute best and it would hurt me deeply to know that I hurt her. I very well know I can't live like this but i don't have my own place I could move out to, and just disappear from shame. At this point in my life, I think I'd rather walk away from it all than tell my mommy and have her hurting. I hope things get better for you; for us. Until then, hold on and be strong . Take care.
