In denial for so long, coming out at 28??

Wow... I'm sorry to hear about your past. Mine wasn't as rough, though I was in denial 'til just recently myself. I used to think I could pretend to like girls, but I never actaully attempted it because the thought turns me off. I also tried to act extra feminine, but I knew I was masculine my whole life. I finally admitted it to myself recently and I couldn't feel more happy. As for your one night stands and stuff, I suggest you stop it if it hurts you emotionally. I can't offer to much advice, only tell you I am here as a brother for you.
Your parents may or may not believe you, but if you want to tell them, I suggest you go for it. I was afraid my mother wouldn't take me seriously, but I told her recently and it really helped! I don't know how they would react, but if you ever feel comfortable doing it, don't miss the chance. All of this community is here for you, and I'm sure there's many with somewhat similar stories!

 

I recognize myself in your story, if you switch the pronouns a bit I guess. I am a few years younger (22) but I know how it feels to keep trying to convince yourself that you are straight. I knew I was at least bi when I was about 10 but I completely denied it and kinda forgot about it until a few years ago when I just couldn't fool myself anymore.

I did the same thing as you, sleep with a lot of people trying to convince myself, but I got nothing out of sleeping with the opposite sex. I tried over and over figuring I only needed to find "the right guy" but that hasn't happened and when I finally started allowing myself to think about myself being gay it all made sense.

I have the same fear of rejection and disbelief from parents, I have only had relationships with guys (two quite serious) so I believe they are certain I'm straight and that they don't have to "worry" about me.. This is definitely one of the reasons as to why I find it difficult to come out to family.

I'm constantly confused and I keep blaming myself for "choosing" this and not jost keep pretending but my mental health got really bad few years ago and I have had serious therapy to get better and I want to be happy.

I don't know if I can help you, I just wanted to tell my story and let you know you're not alone.

 

If you swapped the genders this would be pretty similar to myself. Although for a long time I felt like I wasn't quite straight, I thought maybe I was asexual, or perhaps "a little bi" I just identified as straight because it seemed easier. I thought, as long as I'm attracted to men I don't have to deal with my attraction to women, so I buried it deep.

My story.. well, growing up I had zero interest in romantic/sexual relationships. I never noticed any guys, didn't really get the whole thing, and started to feel there must be something wrong with me. I had/have other issues as well, so I believed this was just an extension of those problems. Though in retrospect I can see I had a crush on a female friend back then, and on another even earlier, I just didn't understand what those feelings were.

College... I fell in love with my best friend, another girl. For awhile I denied it, but eventually I admitted it to myself, nearly told her, but other events ended up pushing me way far back into the closet and I never said a thing. Since then I kind of recognized in the back of my mind I might be "a little bi" but heavily repressed it. Not long after I fell head over heals for a guy friend, and that crush lasted years, and eventually we got together, and that relationship lasted.. not even a year. I loved him but I had what I thought were "intimacy issues," he was incredibly patient, and we ended up breaking it off for entirely different reasons.

Now, a few years after that relationship, I have been feeling single and alone, something that rarely bothered me when I was younger, but now has me longing for a relationship. That's what's led me to have sort of a "talk" with myself, one about self reflection, honesty, and openness.

 

Oh definitely bud. I only recently accepted I'm not straight.

 

Hey man, I'm sorry for your past. But hang in there. It's definitely hard to accept feelings for the same sex, but once you get past that obstacle, I promise you it gets better. My situation is a little similar to yours. I always thought I was straight until I met this one guy. Instantly I fell in love with him. Too bad he is straight *laughs*. At first, I tried to deny my feelings for him, because I never felt this way toward another man before, but eventually, I learned to accept the fact that I'm possible bi-sexual. Hang in there bud, just throw me a wall post if you need someone to talk to.

 

Acceptance is a 'slow burn' for some of us Mike, with a good dose of pain and heartache along the way. It affects us physically and emotionally.. but that day when you can look yourself in the mirror and say "this is who I am" is more significant than first realised. It is indeed a turning point and can only be built upon. The 'slow burn' may continue, or the pace may quicken somewhat, but every step forward is a triumph and it's important to see it in that light. If you watch this forum closely, you can actually see individual members make those small and ever so subtle steps forward and I hope you will stick around too and share your progress with us. From an emotional well-being perspective, I really think it will benefit you to remain here in the company of people who are going through (or have been through) the same journey.

 

You're not alone. I first realized I was sexually attracted to men when I was 15 but was in serious denial until 18-19 when I admitted to myself I was bi. It wasn't until 23 that I admitted to myself I was actually gay and I didn't come out until 24/25. I honestly admire people that come out at such an early age. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do, or at least it was for me. I've always cared too much what people think and I regret not having the confidence to be honest with myself and others much earlier. But hey, better late than never.

Now I just saw that you resurrected your old post haha. I do believe bisexuality exists, but when it comes down to it everyone has a preference. I still like girls and find them sexually attractive. It's just so much less than what I feel for men. So I could say I'm bisexual but it's so much easier to just say I'm gay rather than i'm 30% straight and 70% gay or whatever. I guess you have to ask yourself how much you prefer men over women and go from there. You'll figure it out. Good luck man.

 

I agree with VampireGrin! Also, I'm now 29 and had always labeled myself bisexual because I knew I was attracted to women at a very young age. But last year I just realized how far on the Kinsey scale I actually was. I can "pass" in hetero relationships but I suffer them. There may be initial attraction and I certainly get along with the opposite sex, but as far as intimacy is concerned, I'm really not interested.

It was a hard realization that ended my marriage, but on the whole of it, I feel infinitely better in a relationship with a partner the fulfills all the roles of intimacy and friendship. Best of luck in your discovery. It sounds like you're doing some great personal reflection that some never do.

 

Hi Mike! It seems like labeling is really complicated...I'm kind of struggling to find one myself (I'm in a pretty similar boat, although a little closer to what AStormInside went through, though I'm only really out to myself at best right now). Hang in there! I'm sure you'll find someone great, regardless of gender!

 

Hi Mike,

I was in denial for a long time also. I was terrified of my attraction to women and hated myself over it. I had ultra-conservative religious conflicts.
I didn't accept my attraction to women until I was 30 and like PatrickUK mentioned I have had a slow burn since then.

Good luck on your journey.

 

I was in full-fledged denial (never considered myself anything other than heterosexual) all the way through age 27. About 3 months before my 28th birthday, I broke through a lot of that denial, and finally began to believe that I might possibly be kinda-sorta a little gay... MAYBE. A few weeks after that, I essentially came out to myself as a gay man. I've slowly told only those I trusted and felt were important to tell.

Now nearing my 28th birthday, my life has never felt so full, peaceful, and wonderful.

These things do happen. I wish you the best.

 

I'm glad you're back. I left a message on your wall without realizing how old this post was. I also fear rationalizing myself into thinking I'm straight again: It wouldn't be the first time I have. This time around I am trying to make that as difficult as possible.

 

Mike45843, if I had a penny for every time I'd convinced myself I was straight or bi. I've had big bouts of depression/anxiety/PTS. Things that don't have a direct connection to my sexuallity, but do add to the fear of rejection.
For me anyway it was where I'd run to. I'd get close to admitting I'm gay then I'd tell myself not to be silly, I'm bi, bi equals an attraction to girls equals safe. It was almost like I was trying to keep myself safe, not to face the rejection and bullying I'd suffered in my teens.

 

I'm 34 and only now accepting it. Won't go into detail...you can see it all in my introductory thread. Also started another thread today as I see the walls coming back up, pushing me to hide that part of me again. It's a struggle...sometimes painful.

 

You're not alone. I was in denial about being gay for many years. Did not want to accept and could not. Finally around 25 I accepted it, but did not come out until a couple of weeks before my 28th birthday. I still sometimes have feelings of "am i really gay"? I know the answer, but the question still remains. The first step really is accepting yourself 100% and being comfortable. Sorry to hear that this has caused you depression, it does fade. This online community helps. They let you know that what ever you are, it's okay to be you.