Just came out a couple of weeks ago to my closest friend (hardest thing i ever done in my life) and then a week later came out to a few more friends. I feel like i can breathe a little bit now, but i really don't know where to go from here. A little background story about myself: I'm 29 yrs old and i knew from an early age I liked guys. I thought it was just a confusing phase i was going through, but as the years went by, my attraction to the same gender hadn't changed at all. I was scared..and i didn't want anyone to find out, so i hid in the closet- making lies about the type of girl i like etc... It Made me feel so sick telling all those lies just to cover my tracks. After working at my same job for the past 5 years- I have seen a lot of my coworkers (some of them my close friends) go out on dates, get married, and soon began to start their own family. This past year was very difficult on me because i was soon beginning to realize i wasn't going to experience what my friends were experiencing if i continued this lifestyle i was living in. I felt very alone. A went through a bout of depression and insomnia that lasted for a couple of weeks and then one day i told myself "i'm gay, i cant change it, other gay people are enjoying their lives, i can enjoy life too. It's not too late." The past 2 years i traveled to San Francisco's gay pride parade to just to experience what it was like (i lied to my friends and family and told them i was seeing a relative :/ ) and seeing the lgbt community enjoying life and having fun had an influence in my decision to come out. Also, seeing all these famous people coming out and hearing their stories had an impact too on my decision to come out of the closet. So yeah, that is my story As I stated above , i feel a little better- but I really don't know what i should be doing next. At times, i still get uncomfortable when something "gay" comes up- is this normal? Will it take some time in getting used to? Should i tell more people? I feel as though i should talk to another gay guy in the city im living in to get an idea on gay lifestyle and such. The problem is I don't know any gay guys in the city and there are just two bars in downtown that is geared towards the lgbt community. Should i go there next? I did meet someone on some dating app (i really didnt like the apps- a lot of the guys were more into "fun" but this one guy seem okay) and he seem like a good guy and we chatted a bit. He wanted to meet up for coffee to give me advice and i agreed- but he didnt responded back since and i had a feeling he really wasnt interested anymore so i didnt replied back. My best friend tells me i need to figure things out before i bring a guy into the picture, but i dont know what things i should be figuring out!? I really need some guidance.
First of all, welcome to Empty Closets and well done on coming out. It doesn't matter how confident we are, coming out for the first time is very hard and it takes a lot of personal motivation and determination to say three small words - "I am gay". I remember how difficult it was for me the first few times. The good thing is, it gets easier for most of us. You suppressed your feelings and conformed to societies hetero-normative view for a long time, so it's bound to take a while for you to adjust to the change in your life/status. Don't rush it. Enjoy the sense of relief that comes from being true to yourself and others. Maybe coming out to more people will help the process along, but only you can decide on that Regacter. When you think about dating other guys, what is it that you want? I get the impression you are looking for a bit more than "fun", is that right? If you are looking for a relationship, that may have a bearing on your decision to come out to more/important people. If you meet someone and care about building a future with him, you may want to have everything in the open? Could that be something to figure out? If you have a look around this forum - the message boards and resouces - you will find a wealth of information and advice on different aspects of the LGBT community. Maybe some of our conversations (current and past) will help you understand things better and gain the confidence to move forward. Stick around, join in and ask questions. You'll find we're a friendly bunch from quite different backgrounds and with very different personalities (we're not all the same, so that's one myth shattered :icon_bigg).
Congrats on coming out to yourself! No doubt it is hard to do, but in the end, you will be so much happier in life now that you have done so. A few things to consider: 1. Going into a gay bar for the first time is quite an experience. Just go in, grab a drink, relax, and absorb the atmosphere. No need to push yourself to engage with anyone, but if you do, great. If not, just enjoy being there. If there are a few bars, try them both out. See what type of guys go. Have a chat with the bartenders, they should be easy to talk to. 2. Consider locating a local LGBT organization and get involved. They are a great way to meet people in a casual setting. Also look for LGBT sport leagues, charity groups, etc. 3. Each "app" and dating site typically has different types of people on them. Try them all out. Be open and honest about who you are and your objective. If you are just interested in chatting and making friends, put that on your profile. Of course, a lot of guys are there for fun and NSA, but you will find others that are interested in the same things you are. You will see a lot of "shady" characters, there will be a lot of rejections, but just keep plugging away. 4. Its all about the numbers. The more you put yourself out there, the better the chance you have at meeting people. Don't worry if you do not find your comfort zone right away. It does take a bit of time, trial and error. You have your whole life ahead of you, so no need to rush!
So I'm trans, so my experiences might not really relate too well to what you are going through, but these are my thoughts. the first thing you have to do is forgive yourself for not really being sure where to take the next step. Definitely don't beat up on yourself for being new to this "lifestyle" (don't like that word but you get the point). I personally think the LGBT bar would be a great place to go and just sort of let go. You will be surrounded by people who know (to one degree or another) what you are going through and you might even make some new friends. If you get too self-conscious about the interactions you have with the people you meet, just let them know you are still new to some of this (even if you aren't new to knowing you were gay). Chances are they will understand and adjust to help you feel more comfortable (maybe I'm being too optimistic but I find it to be better than too pessimistic). the key is to try to overcome your fears. Don't put yourself in danger, of course, but you should try to push your limits little by little as you meet more LGBT people. That's the only way to figure out what you like and don't like. I have faith in you and good luck!
Thank you for the advice. It seems as though honesty and being open plays a major role in building and developing relationships with other people. After browsing through this forum, I really need to stay positive and remind myself that it gets better.
