So... last year I was on the other side of the ocean with a very accepting group of friends in a generally more accepting culture, thousands of miles away from my family. I could talk freely about those subjects that come so naturally to straight people, sex life and who's attractive namely. I've been back for a couple months now, and I was in for shock as I had almost forgotten what it's like to be here. I can't be around my parents for long. My mother has her particular way of talking about "them" (queers of all stripes). She regularly rants about how "corrupt" Hollywood and co. are for their "liberal" attitudes towards gays (liberal spoken with the utmost derision; it's the worst insult in my family). One day she'll knock off Lindsay Lohan (I'm not a fan, but that's not the point) for being in a relationship with Sam; supposedly she's so desperate for affection that when she met her first real friend, she decided she's gay. On others she'll relate how "creeped out" she was to have other women have crushes on her. My parents make sure to ask me everytime they see me if I have a boyfriend and have even tried to hook me up with my brother's friends. I won't talk about every example, but the issue is it really stresses me out when this happens. My mother is the most important person to me, so I'd rather just avoid her completely than to have to hear her spew endless hate. And this is when she knows about me, even though she's in denial. I have tried to come out in past (ok, the last time was over ten years ago), but my sister (who knows definitely about me and is mostly supportive) has told me that my mother has recently talked about her suspicions about me to her. It'd almost be better if I thought my mother were deeply religious, but she's really not, she just hates gays. My university is better on the surface, I think, but I don't have many good friends here. There are a fair amount of gay men, but it seems lesbians are nonexistent. There are a lot of allies who happen to be women, but I don't feel like I'd be welcome among them (if anything I associate best with straight guys and fellow gay women). I'm not even entirely sure my best friend (really only friend at the moment here at school) is OK with me. I mean, of course on the outside everything's great, but he conspicuously avoids ever using gender pronouns when talking to me about whoever I might be interested in, and he avoids any mention of words like gay/lesbian/etc., so I think I might be making him uncomfortable when I talk about who I'm attracted to. It seems like the prevailing feeling on campus towards GLBT is do what you want, just not where I can see it so I don't have to know, i.e. stay closeted. So, I've realized just how stressful having to constantly worry about slips or being found it is. I've gotten to the point where I feel like fear is ruling my life and I'm going to suffocate if I don't get out. I've been trying to get involved with the LGBT groups on my university campus, but I don't know if I can comfortably participate in their events. Their events often involve wearing something like a t-shirt or ribbon around campus to build support, so it would be an act of coming out. I don't know if I can do that. I don't want to be gay, but I also don't want to live afraid nonstop. Thanks for reading. I need somewhere to let this stuff out.
I can't put myself in your shoes but I can give you some support and understanding. You seem to be a shy reserved person, well that is fine but you musn't let one aspect of who you are ruin your life. The only thing to do with your mum is to come out again, do so with your sister around so that she can give you support. You need to help your mum through her denial. We can talk privately about this if you want. For university, I am sure that if you join the GBLT group they will not ask you to wear the tee shirt or whatever until you feel comfortable to do so. These young people have been what you are going through, they will not be offended if you start off and say that for the moment you are not ready to be completely out but that you hope with their help you can make some progress in this area. If you feel you make your friend uncomfortable, take the bull by the horns and ask him out right. He may think that you are uncomfortable, you think that he is uncomfortable and it may just be a problem of communication. I'm not hear much over the week ends but if you do PM me I will get back to you, promise.
With regard to the friends, for some reason we seem to stick a lot more with people we share things with. In my case- straight (rarely bi) girls and gay guys, and in yours, straight guys and lesbians... I'm not sure, but I think there's a small pattern... we associate with people who have the same likes (girls, i your case). The reason your friend avoids gender pronouns might not be that he's trying to creep you out- but maybe he suspects something and is unsure whether you're ready to come out to him (and he doesn't want to push anything). As for the general attitude in and around campus, that I'm afraid is up to you. If you feel comfortable enough coming out, then get involved in everything. If not, stick with what you think is best for you. But I don't think you'd get a very negative reaction- and in case you did, you'd know who to value as a friend and who to leave be.
Because of that statement right there, it seems like you still might be in denial about yourself, or haven't accepted yourself fully. I think the GLBT group would help you accept yourself more, and that will probably help you in many ways- coming out as well as self confidence, etc.
