^Definitely describes how I've been feeling the past few days. (Sorry long rant) The 'storm' relates to my favorite metaphor describing my dysphoria. It comes in like the tide, and everyday I have a low tide when I feel calm and relaxed, and a high tide that makes me feel utterly miserable. And then there are the worst days, tsunamis. When I get hit by one of these I lose the will to do anything, all energy directed to keeping myself from completely breaking down. Yesterday was a tsunami day. The night before I had a dream about coming out to everyone in school. There were good and bad reactions, but the majority accept me for who I am. I felt so happy and relieved... and then I woke up the next morning. The disappointment shattered me for the rest of the day. I could barely pay attention in my classes. One friend (who doesn't know) asked if I was ok. I just said I was having a bad day and she didn't press, as much as I wanted her to, but I also knew that I would be tongue-tied if I tried. Now as for the 'storm' in the title, it refers to me sensing that dream will probably become a reality soon, and I know that it won't be easy. I feel that if I haven't started before then, the next tsunami will have me going for it full throttle. They always send me over the edge of whatever decision I've been fretting over. Last week's tsunami gave me the resolve to buy women's jeans, though I haven't gotten to it yet, mostly because no girl knows (other than my mother, but she's 6 states away) and women's sizes have me confused. So yeah...The next few weeks are going to be interesting. Thanks for reading!
It's interesting how you liken the feelings associated with your dysphoria to the tides and extremes of nature. It demonstrates a level of thought and consideration about everything and I'm pleased you were able to share it with us. Sometimes, these metaphors give us a handle on our feelings and it can be helpful when everything seems to be in a state of flux. When you compare the 'low tide' days to the 'high tide' days how big is the difference? I ask this because you go on to mention tsunamis and storms, which suggests an intensity in your feelings that makes it difficult for you to hang on. Can you describe some of the key differences? I could read your posting in one of two ways. On the positive side you are gaining the resolve to make decisions and do things that you have been anxious about, but on the negative side you have the unknown consequences. You said the next few weeks will be interesting, but how are you seeing it in terms of positives and negatives? When you're in the midst of a storm, you need something to cling onto - a line of hope. In relation to your feelings that comes from staying connected and reaching out for support and I hope you find that here. I'll keep checking for updates. Here's a hug to hang onto (*hug*)
Sorry I didn't respond sooner, yesterday was a busy day. So when it comes to 'low' and 'high' tides, it's similar the usual up and downs throughout the day. During a low tide, my dysphoria is minimal. I'm more relaxed and in a general good mood. Usually it's because I'm spending time with friends, which is a good distraction. At some point in the day, however, something sets off my dysphoria and my good mood just dies. This is my high tide. The trigger can be a single thought or seeing another girl around campus. I lose energy and become more reserved. Usually I just disappear into my room and don't come out for hours while sit in front of my computer usually listening to music or watching hulu trying to distract myself / calm myself down. Then there are the tsunamis. These thankfully don't happen as often as tides. The most often I have these is once a week. The best way to describe them is like a high tide multiplied by 100. These last all day and leave me with no energy or patience for anything else, be it friends, homework or class. I go to classes anyway for the sake of my grades, but I have trouble paying attention, spending half of the class lost so deep in thought that I forget where I am. My only life line is that my parents love and support me no matter what, as do two of my closets friends. At the same time, the misery of tsunamis give me the resolve to take more steps in transitioning. My thought is always similar to this, "Why should I be this miserable? So what if people start looking at me funny eventually? I need to do this for ME, if they don't like it that's their problem." So on the positive side, I love that I am taking more steps, no matter how small, in transition. On the negative side, getting schoolwork done is next to impossible during tsunamis, which will eventually start to show in my grades. If I wasn't already a good student, I would probably be failing by now. And today I will come out to a new person, my roommate's girlfriend. He knows about me and suggested that I tell her so she can help me shop for those jeans that I want. I trust his judgement of her character, and she's an open minded person. Wish me luck!
