I came out as non-binary trans to my mother and it didn't go well. The most hurtful response in the back and forth was that she finds it 'absurd' and that 'it is mutilation.' She said I can dress and act and cut my hair how I want and doesn't understand why I have to 'have a big announcement' to tell everyone why. I want to be able to talk openly about things in my life that affect me just like anyone else but since this is so unusual I feel it warrants some background info so people understand better and are hopefully less confused/disturbed/distancing. I told her this but it doesn't seem to have been enough. I also clarified that I didn't even intend to make some 'big announcement' but think that even if I did want to, so what. It's a huge change in my life. I thought I'd feel better after telling her, now I just feel guilty. Leftover Catholic childhood feelings I am sure. I wish my being who I am and not trying to hide it didn't hurt her. Thanks for being here, everyone. -Bug
You might have a look at this, if there is something that might help you: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156085-i-just-im-kind-scared.html#4 You might think about counseling... with a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center... if you want that... (*hug*) There are different stages as reaction... often people deny and come around later... and congratulations for coming out (*hug*)(*hug*)
Because the vast majority of people are straight and assume you're straight, as well. No one has 100% gaydar, so you're eventually going to have to tell it for others to know for sure. I'm sorry your mother is difficult. My mom is also Catholic, and it hurts every time she hears I've come out to a friend. She seems to think everyone will ostracize or hate me, and so far I've gotten complete support. Makes me sad that she has so little trust.
When asked why announcing it necessary, the most effective response that I have found is "Because for the entirety of my life, people have always assumed that I am heterosexual and cisgendered because those are the societal defaults, but that is not my true identity. Constantly being incorrectly idealized is hurtful to me and I feel as if I'm being put into a box I don't belong in. Making a big announcement fixes that, and it gives me much better self confidence and self image." Obviously change and edit to suit you situation, and I also tend to speak really formally so you can adjust it your own language style, but in my experience something along these lines communicates the point well and also establishes that you are coming out for yourself and not for others.
Thanks, everyone. I guess if someone doesn't want to understand and accept they'll keep finding ways around it. She went so far as to suggest "excuses" for every change, right down to cancer prevention as a reason for elective trans-related surgery. :/ Sort of suggesting I should use these as my reasons when mentioning it to anyone else. I feel like I did something wrong but I know I didn't, it's a confusing emotion.
There are lots of people who have a hard time accepting change. It's usually seen as "scary" and sometimes ignored with the excuse that it's "unnecessary". Coming out (to me) is a mix of "I trust you with this information" and "I don't give a sh*t about what you think about me". If someone says ''Why do you have to announce it'' to you, say that it's because it's a major part of your life and that it's important because no one announces unimportant things. You don't have to give any "excuses" for the changes that are important for you to feel how you want to. Tell them the truth. If they can't accept it, ask them to kindly get out of your life. I'm sure your mother will accept it eventually. Sit down with her and try to explain the importance of any change that you have to make. You're an amazing and strong human being for getting this far. I wish you all the best!
Hell yeah, that's all it is right there. You want to share what you are so excited about - this is a big deal. You want to share with the people you love just like if anything else happened to you. You want them to know who you are so you can be yourself around them. It's perfectly natural. Unfortunately, negative responses are common. It takes more guts than they may ever know to come out; no guts to judge with the mainstream.
Because you're proud of who you are! She should be happy that you love her enough to want to share your feelings with her!
I agree that it is more that you are proud of who you are and are at a point where you are accepting yourself and you want to be able to share the news of how you feel or else you think you will burst from keeping it in.. I think a lot of straight people don't understand how freeing it is when someone does finally come out and accept themselves.
