Dealing with an ex-bf

I'm not sure where to start this, so I'll just start at the beginning:

Last spring, I met this guy (i'll call him Tom) through a friend. I didn't realize he was gay, but eventually figured that out through a couple wall posts on Facebook. It was verified when he came to me one night, after coming out to his parents. Basically, it did not go well. They were very supportive (they've never really gotten along that great), and he came to me for some much-needed support. At this time I was "dating" another guy online (let's call him "Jack," met him at a convention, started dating online, broke up after a month, my first bf though it was all virtual). A little while later he confessed how he had a crush on me, but wasn't going to do anything as I was dating Jack.

Over the summer, Tom (who had just come out) was wanting a bf, so he started looking online. He ended up going through several "relationships" (they never really developed, most never started, but they took a big toll on him, emotionally). Tom left school and went home (it was summer), and shortly after I broke up with Jack. All through this, I've been keeping up with Tom online. Tom still has a crush on me, and I'm still impartial toward him. We start dating, him because he really wants to, and me, because I'm curious if anything will grow out of this (see if i'll develop feelings for him).

After a couple weeks, I go spend the weekend at Tom's house. His parents are away, and they said he could have a friend over. They don't know we're dating at this point (i don't think they ever found out). I met his older sister, she was pretty cool. We experiment a bit with oral sex.

School starts back up. Over break, he's been super depressed that he's been away from me. I'm still pretty impartial. I do enjoy being around him. I've never been around anyone who's completely in love with me. He talks about how he'd do anything for me. I, however, don't have anything I want him to do, nothing that I'd want to change (it's not that he's perfect, i just didn't feel the need for him to change anything). He starts getting a list of things he'd like to change about me (clothing, personality, etc.). He says these are more ideals, that he's happy with the way I am. However, he does continue to test me, to see if I'll change. I see no reason to (i'm happy with myself the way I am, so I don't).

After a month or so, I decide to break up with him, mainly because I still feel pretty impartial towards him, he's head-over-heels in love with me, and I don't think it should continue on (it's not fair to him). Also, I am a fairly independent person. He, however, would love to spend every single moment with me. Thankfully, we have classes and homework that keep us apart, because I'd feel stifled if I had to spend every living moment with -anyone-. It also bothered me that he was seeing us as being together forever (and was planning our future), while I saw this as more temporary.

Basically, he broke down. For 3 or so days afterwards, I didn't have any contact with him (we don't have any classes together, and I eat in my apartment, so we only see each other when he visits me (or visa-versa). I get word from my friends who have classes with him that he's not doing well at all. On the third day, I agree to meet with him. We meet at night, take a walk, and end up in a classroom. He didn't say anything the night we broke up (he can't be direct, while i'm ok at it), and now is a bit more prepared to discuss it. He lists out why he thinks I broke up with him, I tell him my reasons for it, and then he proceeds to counter and try to prove them invalid. They were decent arguments, but I still wasn't willing to get back together with him. We part, him feeling depressed that I didn't take him back (significantly better than the first night, though that's not saying much).

After a week or two, it kind of feels like we're doing the same things, minus the "bf" title and the sex. He likes physical contact, so we've cuddled a bit. He still sees me as one of his best friends, so he wants to continue seeing me a lot.

So, my problems: He wants to continue spending a lot of time with me, cuddling and just hanging out, like he does with his other best friends. I want to see him every couple days, and as we're not dating, I feel a little strange cuddling with him (also, he mainly hangs out with straight girls, i mainly hang out with straight, incredibly laid back guys [aka. no physical contact]). I feel like he basically wants to pick up where we left off, though a little less intense.

I feel like he's just doing this to ease the break up. I know some people end contact when they break up. We'd gotten to be decent friends before this (his best friend transfered, and i kind of took her place, i guess), and he still had strong feelings for me, so he didn't just want to end it. I worry that this is just a temporarily solution, and he'll break down again if/when I get a new bf (i doubt it will happen for a while, though). Also, he feels like I didn't give it enough time, and that I didn't get to see the real him (he did a lot of self-evaluation and thought that he was being a very greedy bf).

Another thing that's troubling me is that he made a bunch of accusations, that the breakup was all my fault, that there was no reason for it except my stubbornness (i listed my arguments, he went and disproved them all, i still didn't want to get back together). He also accused me of being immature, not caring for his feelings, etc (he thought it was permanent, i supposedly implied that it was, though the whole time thinking to myself it was going to be temporary). He also gets frustrated that I can't voice my thoughts feelings very well (well, mainly I get frustrated at that, but he does too).

One thing I did discover during our post-breakup discussions is that he believes anyone can fall in love with anyone, where I don't. So, he thinks I will fall in love with him in time, where I definitely don't. He also wants me to basically start over with him, forget all the past experiences with him and how he doesn't think he was a good bf. I don't think I can just "forget the past" and start over fresh.

We're not dating, but I still feel tied to him. He says I am free to find someone new (we're not dating, so he can't stop me). However, he will obviously be quite depressed/affected if/when I do get someone new.

So, I don't know. I wouldn't mind just being rid of him, or at least not being his best friend that he'll try to spend most of his time with. I'll never be able to defend that statement to his liking, but what can I do.


Yes, I know this was long. Partly, I wanted to provide decent background info (i feel like i still left out a lot, but if i write too much, no one will read it), and partly, I just really needed to let it all out. Thanks so much for reading this. Feel free to comment, though it's not necessary.