Confused / Need some opinions

I’ve been thinking about my sexuality quite a lot lately and have so say, the more I think about it the more confused I seem to get.

I’m a 26 year old male. Until about 3 years I never questioned my sexuality. There was absolutely no question in my mind that I was an ordinary, heterosexual person. Sure : I realized that I probably wasn’t as interested in girls as other men seemed to be, but I naturally assumed I just had to meet the right girl and things would take their course.
By the time I was around 23, I started to wonder and things have been complicated ever since.

The fact is that I am just not interested in having sex with women. But I don’t fancy men either. It’s not that the thought of sex is disgusting, it just seems utterly pointless : Sexual part goes into receptacle ..short adrenalin/endorphin rush … end of story. Why would anyone bother ? When thinking about sex it doesn’t really matter if it’s a woman or a man, both seem equally boring.

For a while I was quite fine on my own but lately I’ve been longing to experience a loving and emotionally intimate relationship. I went out with a few women but these relationships all seem to end pretty much the same way. All goes well until about the 3rd or 4th date and then they realize that sex is not going to happen and they suddenly loose all interest.

On an emotional level, I get interested in both men and women and can even develop an (albeit slight) crush on someone but when it comes to sex I’m not interested. In terms of relationship I’d be fine with either gender, the personality of a person is much more important than their gender. It is this interest in sexual intercourse that everyone seems to have that I don’t quite understand.

Most of my friends as well as my parents suspect I’m gay, solely based (I guess) on the fact that I’ve never had a steady girl friend. Some are supportive (which is a bit awkward if you yourself aren’t even sure), others (e.g. my parents) seem to be less accepting and drop remarks disapproving of homosexuality seemingly at random whenever the topic of me still not having a girl friend comes up. Personally, at this point, I don’t think I care whether I’m gay, straight or whatever. I’d just like to know which one it is….

 

Thank you all for your replies so far.

It's not that going out with females doesn't feel right to me. Actually it feels great and I've enjoyed it. The problem is that after a couple of dates the women start noticing that I'm not pushing for sex. We discuss it, I tell them I really like them but am not ready for sex, they end up loosing interest and the entire relationship slowly implodes over the pursing weeks.

As for going out with guy - I wouldn't mind doing so. The problem is I honestly don't know where I'd find any. I've gone out for a drink or such with a couple of guys I found likeable, none of which were gay (at least not to my knowledge), so none of these ever turned into anything resembling a relationship. As for openly gay guys, there don't seem to be too many around and societal pressures make it a lot more difficult to get to know them and find out whether I would even be interested in having a relationship with them.

I tried that about 6 months ago for a couple of sessions, but he never seemed to get
the fact that I'm not afraid of sex, it just doesn't appeal to me. He kept telling me how wonderful sex is, how everone likes it and how I should try it and I kept replying that I'm perfectly ok with sex as such, and rul ou trying it, but that I haven't found a single person yet that I'd be sexually attracted to. I told him that I was attracted to people’s mind’s/their personality, not their bodies. Sure : I can appreciate if a person is beautiful, akin to appreciating a beautiful painting or scenery, but I never quite got the hang of why people find complete strangers they see on the street “hot” and get all exited, even though they’ve only seen that person for a few seconds and will never see them again.
The therapist in turn didn’t seem to understand that, so the discussion went around in circles for a few sessions until I finally gave up.

The only other medical professional I have ever mentioned this to, was, oddly enough, a hematologist I got referred to by my physician. For some reason he wanted to do an AIDS test and I told him there was no point, as I have not had sexual intercourse. He looked surprised and the proceeded to ask me if I was a "fucking homo" (those exact words !). I was quite baffled. He did the AIDS test anyway (against my express wishes, from blood he had drawn earlier) - a fact I only discovered when he sent me the bill a few weeks later. Needless to say I never went back.

So I guess I haven't really been successful in finding understanding doctors so far. Other than that I tried a clergyman once, but he didn't understand either and kept telling me how pleasantly he was surprised "that there are still young people these days that are morally strong enough to save themselves for the sanctity of marriage". :bang:

 

Thank you again for your replies !

I didn't masturbate until around 3 or 4 years ago, when - and this may sound a bit strange - I started doing so on the advice of a urologist. I find the experience pleasurable, but not really that great. The frequency with which I do it varies greatly, if I am extremely bored I do it maybe once or twice a week, if I have interesting things going on in my life, I go without for months. You could compare it to chocolate. Yes, it’s ok, but if I somehow developed an allergy to chocolate, I wouldn’t really loose sleep over it. There are so many other tasty things to eat that, if it were just chocolate, I wouldn’t really care at all.

When I masturbate I think of beautiful places, such as beaches or ranges, not people.
I've never had any erotic or sexual dreams nor do I fantasize about sex. When I watch a film and the seemingly obligatory erotic scene comes up, I most often hit fast forward. Sometimes I don’t and just sit there in awe, wondering why they are doing, what they are doing. Sort of like watching a documentary on the voodoo cult in Haiti or the cultural aspects of some Amazon rainforest tribe. I can intellectually understand the concepts, but not emotionally. The romance part of movies I get and can connect with, the sex part just seems alien.

Ok. Let's think this through. Masturbation is ok I guess, nothing special, but a quick high, which is pleasant. I'll take your word on it, that sexual intercourse is a lot more fun than masturbation. It really has to be – considering the length to which people go to have it. So what do I do now : Next time someone is sexually attracted to me and is making a move, I go along and feign mutual attraction. We go to the bedroom and then ? Even if it were to work physically, I think I’d end up feeling pretty awkward. I guess you could compare it to this : If you (as a gay man) had a really close female friend, that you had a very close emotional connection with, and who was sexually attracted to you, and assuming that she was your only chance at any intimate relationship for a substantial amount of time : would you feel comfortable having sex with here to keep her as a friend ?

The first part sounds a little bit familiar. Question : Before you had sex, were you attracted to other men or did you have sexual fantasies ? I'm asking because I think for me to accept sex as a regular part of a relationship something major would have to happen. I would have to start feeling a desire to have sex. I would be ok having sex a couple of times as a "trade-off" for a relationship, or for procreation - I don’t find sex repulsive as such. It just seems awkward to being doing something on a regular basis that I seem to have no inclination to do.

From what I understand, most people find out about their sexual orientation pretty early in life. In respect to inter-gender relations there were a few major changes to people's behavior I observed growing up, that I didn't understand at the time. The first was that sometime in late elementary school, when other boys suddenly started viewing girls differently, their status changed from "enemy" to "cute". I really didn't get why. The next major (non-)change was puberty. That ominous time you get all those "confusing feelings". Somehow those never arrived - I considered myself lucky and assumed I was one of the few people that got through that time easier than others. I never fully understood what those "strange feelings" actually were though. People started dating and I went along with the flow, just because it seemed the normal thing to do. Although I never quite got the difference between being friends and being boy-and-girl friend. I obviously knew that this thing called "sex" existed, but I didn't feel the urge and didn't see a need to rush into anything that I didn't feel to desire to do. In college I went out with friends and people commented on how girls are “hot” and guys are “cute”. I kept thinking “How do you know they’re nice, if you haven’t ever spoken to them ?”

I think the main problem in my relationship may not be the lack of intercourse, it more likely is that fact that girls have not felt sufficiently desired. Most seem to be happy not having sex initially (at least so they say), however it seems to be a major problem if the guy doesn't push for it, at least a little. Maybe I'm being unfair here, I don't know.
But I think the latter is my major problem. Even if I set out on a relationship with the intent of having sex, that ominous thing called sexual desire would still be missing. Prospective partners would still feel undesired and would likely still have the same feeling of rejection. The question I'm asking myself is : can sex with a person you don't feel (sexually) attracted to be emotionally fulfilling for either party ?

I briefly checked out that site and will likely do so in more detail. Some of the posts ring familiar, however quite a few others seem to be by people who have enjoyed sex in the past and now have lost that, or do feel attracted to others, but simply not as much/often as seems to be expected. While I can understand that would be a major problem, it doesn’t completely resonate with me.

 

Thank you for your reply !

I've looked at porn - both gay and straight - just to see what everyone is talking abut and somehow I don't get it. When I look at pictures I can appreciate that a certain person looks beautiful, but "down there" nothing happens, nor do I feel any sexual urges.

When I have crushes on people they are usually very mild and focus more on people's personality. I get interested in people because I think they might (or actually are) really nice people. Looks aren't really iimportant at all.