Okay, first let me start off by saying I am a huge supporter of anyone being themselves. However, I am aware not everyone shares the ease I do about having a loved one come out to them. Here is my story: About 11 months ago I met my boyfriend's children. I knew instantly about his eldest daughter. I only ever asked him once, assuming he knew as it was so apparent to me. He was irritated, said "no!" And was never spoken of again. Being that the children's mother is not very involved nor supportive of the children I befriended them both. After 11 months of being around them and being a supportive female figure in their life, his daughter finally came out to me. I immediately hugged her told her I was happy she shared with me and supported her. Also let her know if she needed to talk I was there. I know she was terrified to tell me. I saw it on her face. She relaxed at my response. We ended the conversation with her telling me her father didn't know, and she was going to keep it that way, for now. Now, almost 24 hours later the fear and questions have begun flooding my mind. See, when I was younger I too had relationships with females. I remember telling my parents, how they treated me differently, looked at me in horror and made things harder for me. My questions: How can I be supportive of both sides? Is there ANYTHING I can say to him, her father, if he isn't accepting of her true self to help? While I am his girlfriend, I am not her mother, I am an outsider. However, I love them all and I am aware that even the younger sibling may have questions and feel awkward. Do I prepare and help her when she comes out to her family, or stay silent? It feels wrong to make her go through coming out alone, but I also wonder if it would be intrusive on a "family" I am not truly apart of. Any and all advice is appreciated.
You said you were being a supportive female figure, but your gender is stated as male, just saying as it confused me. Anyway, this is a tough issue to deal with, but your boyfriend clearly trusts you having a large involvement in his kids life. I think you should fulfil your promise of not telling her father, as even though your not her mother you should never 'out' someone without permission regardless of your relationship with them. Perhaps as she comes to terms with her sexuality you could offer to tell her father on her behalf or persuade her to tell her father herself. For now I think its best to be as supportive and accepting as possible and be there to assist if she wishes to come out. I assume her father is not homophobic and would be accepting, but please tell us otherwise if true. Sorry I could not be more helpful, but the daughter in question clearly thinks of you as an insider and trusts you, so now you bare some responsibility, but I don't see how it can change your relationship with her dad.
Firstly Thank you the listing of male was an oversight on my part. Lol. Secondly, thank you king. I agree with the not betraying her trust and outing her. However, my fear of blame comes from my honesty with my boyfriend. I told him that I, in my past, had relationships with women. So, you see, I fear he will think I may have persuaded her. While that is a ridiculous notion if he isn't accepting he will look to place blame... and I am going to be right there. I honestly am not sure how he will take it. I have seen it before where people find it okay for others bit not their child. Just makes me nervous.
I see your issue, but I think the chances would be quite low of someone who is open minded to change their mind if it involves their offspring. Of course he may be shocked/sad/confused when he first finds out, but that should be short lived. I think you may need to educate your boyfriend about homosexuality, but the issue is this would probably need to happen after she came out otherwise he would be wondering why you were telling him such information.
It sounds like I'm in a similar place to your boyfriend's daughter, as far as having recently worked up the nerve to come out to someone (an aunt and uncle in my case), but not yet to my mom. I just thought I might offer whatever limited perspective I might have. First off, don't sell yourself short. Just being there and offering condition-free support is huge. She's lucky to have you. Your title said you were worried about how you can help her, but believe me, you already have. At the same time, you have to respect her wishes and her timing with her father on this. I know for me, trying to find a way to come out to family is the most intensely personal thing I think I've ever tried, and am still trying, to do. Your support can be invaluable, but this is ultimately something that simply has to be 100% from her and on her terms and time. In a similar vein, you also aren't likely to have nearly as much control as you might like about his reaction, if and when the time comes. His reaction will be his reaction, and while you might be there for parts of it to offer your perspective and positive views, it is still ultimately something that he will have to work through on his terms. So to recap, my thoughts are just that you have already helped her more than you know, so just continue to be there for her. Beyond that, if she does come out to him in the future, you just need to understand how that will be something that is really personal between the two of them and it's not something you will be able to have much, if any, control over. What you can to is try to support both of them in non-intrusive and positive ways.
